My friend can't win, but don't know if he should

[Witchywishy]

Not my situation, was out for dinner last night and we were talking about a mutual friend. His girlfriend is pregnant, he wasn't sure initially if he wanted her to keep it, but she was adamant and now he is onboard and happy with the outcome.

But he is disappointed she is insisting the baby has her name. She said that because they aren't married the baby will have her name- he has asked to double barrel as a compromise and she has said she doesn't need to compromise and that's that. Apparently he's now proposed, and she's said that she would have married him pre-pregnancy but now he's only doing it for the sake of the name.

Part of me has admiration for her sticking to her guns. But part of me feels sorry for my friend. The men in the group are all pretty horrified. Apart from it not really being our business what does the hive mind think on her stance?

The father.

I don't understand this "argument". So women never have their own names?

Technically unless married only the women has the legal right to register and name the baby. He only gets to go by her invitation.

Only once he has been granted parental rights does he have any rights. Be that by putting his name on the birth certificate or court. They don’t automatically exist the second the baby is born so the mother does indeed have more say originally.

Male privilege is not having to think about this because historically the world has left you top of the pile. The baby doesn't automatically get my manly man name? She doesn't even have to put him on the birth certificate? He can't register the birth without marrying her? There are no 'solutions' to a woman having autonomy?
It's sort of fascinating, in a bleak way, how little they consider women's lives until they are negatively impacted themselves.

To be fair he has always wanted kids, but he's having a bad time at work and this was a surprise to both of them. He thought later would be better, and she says that this might be her only chance. Really not ideal, but it isn't that he never wanted kids- just he wants to get his life on track first

It's customary that if the couple is unmarried, the baby has the mother's last name.

Why the hell should he get this benefit of marriage when she doesn't have any marriage benefit?

Men need to learn that they can't have everything their own way. He didn't want to marry her and he didn't want this baby. So he can sod off. I wouldn't be having any family names as the middle one either, and I'd make sure the first name is something I really love and isn't a compromise for me.

Those stupid men who were horrified need to be educated that babies usually don't have the man's name if the couple is unmarried. That's the deal and has always been the deal. Idiots.

She is right at 40 she doesn’t really have the time to just terminate and have years left to hopefully get pregnant again. Unlike him.

I agree.
But that doesn't make it right or fair, it's just the legal standpoint.

😆His girlfriend is a financially stable 40 year old and he was thinking 'later'? Men are hilarious.

It's like you were at our table!!!😂

Oh, my exH used to come out with that. Maiden names belong to women AS WELL AS to her dad. My maiden name is mine as much as his.

I wouldn't have stayed at that table!

I'd bet the farm that it's the latter. Men and their sodding lineage.

Of course it's right. It might not be fair but biology rarely is.

I was married. I took his name. I was left holding the baby and raising him alone. I resent having his name and keeping it to match my son.

Its hard to change it and not have the same name as my son but I don't like keeping exes name.

Sorry I think I got confused about which option was reasonable and which was unreasonable - anyway, I think she's in the right, and if he felt that strongly about bestowing his name on his children he should've thought of that before.

On the other hand.

I can understand her scepticism about his motives for the proposal, but to be fair it might just have dawned on him that he needs to step up and commit. To her and the baby, both.

How pregnant is she? How long has she got to mull this over?

Eh?

I bet he's grateful for you too ! Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and as its one of the biggest commitments and risks a woman is ever going to make, we need to make sure we are doing it with the right person…. Congratulations on going back to university .💐 Like you my husband and I are together decades but had our kids late two under 9 , he really does his share and more. I hope my husband is an example to our girls of what a man should be. We grew up in the 80’s where the Bar was often low for men and some of the stories I read from younger women on here really make me sad, it’s as if society is going backwards , financial abuse , unrealistic expectations , misogyny. We have our work cut out for us teaching our kids what’s acceptable in relationships . Though my kids think all daddy’s should bake cakes for Mummy’s so maybe we are doing something right ! Spokies for the long rant but your post was the nicest thing I’ve read in here in ages it was actually kind of inspiring . Bless you all ❤️

And can you blame her? I don't. I think she's right on the money about him only proposing because of the baby. Good for her - she's clearly not stupid.

I hope she finds someone else who truly does love her. And her baby.

Should have thought about contraception then.

Good for that woman!!

Good for her! He didn't want the baby but now wants it to take his surname?! That is what marriage is for! He doesn't actually want to get married for any other reason than to give it his name and that would put me off too!

Absolutely agree with this 👆

Which way's the voting?

So women just don't ever get a name that is theirs? You might as well say her dad's name or his dad's name or her dad's dad's name or his dad's dad's name. Women are people and they have names! Good for the woman doing this.