DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

I too have a child at uni and don't think you are controlling or wrong to be worried. I would send him a text to say while you appreciate he is starting his own life you are concerned about him and would like a quick chat once a week. If you hear nothing for a while send another message to say you will need to contact the uni to check he's ok. I would then contact his uni welfare. His diabetes is enough to make that necessary.

I assure you there is no chip on my shoulder.

Whether it's OP's DS relationship or other factors at play it remains a fact that a 21 year old adult shouldn't be pursuing someone of school age and OP is right to be concerned.

Those chiming in about equally toxic age-gaps are perpetuating potentially damaging relationships during formative years.

There is no arguing that there is a big leap in development between those two ages and whilst it remains to be seen whether or not this is the driving factor behind DS's decision to go no contact, it is still a worry.

If you don’t recognize how your behavior can come across as controlling, that might be part of what’s creating distance.

Your son has blocked you, and the fact that you’re focusing on little details like when ticks appear suggests you’re monitoring him more closely than he’s comfortable with or than you're letting on in your posts.

You’ve also shared concerns about his friendship/relationship with this guy — and even if you don’t mean it negatively, he may sense judgment from you. That could be why he feels he can’t always be open and honest, which leads him to hide things instead. (hence why he lied to you)

Whether he’s gay, not gay, or just figuring things out, the truth is that it’s his journey to share in his own time. Pressuring him for answers or trying to force a confession will only create more distance, especially now that he’s an adult.

Checking in constantly or pushing for conversations he’s not ready for will likely backfire. His short replies are probably a sign that he feels pressured rather than supported.

The best thing you can do is show that you’re there for him without overwhelming him. Give him space, trust him to reach out when he’s ready, and in time he may feel comfortable enough to reconnect more openly. In the meantime, you can be grateful his friend is there for him.

Honestly, no — please don’t. I hope you don’t interrogate your own sons this way if you have them.

whether he’s gay, not gay, or just figuring things out, it’s his journey to share in his own time. Pressuring a young man to out himself is not only invasive, it can be really damaging to his mental health.

Boys and young men already struggle with opening up about their feelings, and making them feel interrogated or judged only shuts them down further.

What he needs is patience, unconditional support, and the freedom to talk when he’s ready. That’s how trust is built — not by trying to force confessions or reading into every move he makes.

sometimes i read stuff on here and I'm shocked.

Absolutely, some of the responses on here are shocking, no wonder so many dysfunctional families. Some one even saying a 21 year old can’t pursue a school child, it’s shameful and disturbing people think this sort of control is acceptable.

I have a 23 year old who’s been in a somewhat controlling relationship with a friend for several years. My son is gay (out and proud) but I think this friendship is platonic. DS has echoed his views and his attitude towards us has been dictated by this friend for some years. We just kept quiet and let it “blow over”. That’s all you can do, and hope that it runs its course. We’ve never tried to get in between them or expressed anything but minimal disapproval for his friend.

Now the controlling is getting too much and friend is trying to stop ds doing what he actually wants to do so ds is starting to pull away. There’s nothing we can do sometimes but watch and wait.

The replies to this are largely appalling.

21/22 is still very young and the age gap isn’t that big. They’re both consenting adults. As other have suggested, maybe send him a card or a text.

I'd of already been in the car and there by now!

Some chance i'd allow my son to block me.

Ignore the people saying your controlling etc, go check your boy is ok, just leave the other person out of it.

No wonder you're concerned. I hope he contacts you.

Hate to say it, but at 18 he’s an adult, you have no control over him and have to let him live his own life.
Are you a helicopter parent?.
If so, I’m guessing he’s had enough and no longer needs you to hold his hand or choose his friends.

I’m sorry, @BloomGeneral - I’m struggling to see the issue. He’s a young lad at uni for the first time - do you remember being a Fresher? He’ll be out ‘discovering’ himself for the first time - and yes, that will involve managing his health condition around the drinking, partying, making new friends, shagging around and trying to get some studying in there too.

Your job is to worry about that…from a distance. Of course you don’t need to drive 3.5 hours to see your son after a diabetic incident - I get why you would offer, you’ve had 17 years where you’ve been his main source of support, responsible for his wellbeing. Now it’s his turn to be responsible for himself and that involves him pushing you away so he can do so.

Sounds like he’s turned his privacy settings up on his phone (good lad - Christ knows why anyone needs to know when you were last online or if you’ve read their message). And for the streamer, 4 years isn’t an age gap by this point…it’s perfectly normal, whether you’re friends or lovers. Looks like they've hit it off while you’re still in ‘omfg, was my son groomed?! 😱😱😱’ mode.

Let your son come to you - you’ll likely see him on reading week, or maybe Christmas. But try not to worry too much about it now because frankly…you probably don’t want to know what he’s getting up to. He’ll probably call you when he comes down with Freshers’ Flu 😂

What’s the guys influencer channel like?
IDK but fun stuff I’d be like meh, Andrew Tate sort of stuff and conspiracy theories I’d be more concerned.

I guess there’s the scenario where he’s taken you being iffy about the age thing to you being homophobic. Especially if it’s not been talked about.

Don't be shocked, some families are more comfortable than others and speak openly about anything, while also being patient and offering unconditional love.

I find families who aren't openly comfortable with any subjects more dysfunctional.
We all have our ways of living.

Good luck OP, I hope you both reconnect soon.
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Your post sounds like you are very judgemental and have jumped to conclusions about your DS's sexuality. This may have come through in your communication with DS and be the reason he had blocked you.
When you do talk to him again you could ask him to be honest about what you have done to upset him and tell him you want to address it.
Call the safeguarding team at uni to share your concerns. They are unlikely to share info with you if he doesn't consent but they should check on his welfare.

OP, I would be worried too.

Is this out of character? Were you close before he left? When my kids went to university, there was lots of texting early on and we have always stayed in touch. I would be very concerned if my child blocked me.

Are you paying for any of his uni accommodation costs or spending money? Is he planning to come home at Christmas? Do you have anybody else that is in touch with him? Sorry for all the questions and I hope he gets in touch soon.

I feel for you op. My Dd went to Manchester for uni and I knew she would never permanently return. I need to hear from her everyday, even if it's just hello, or ok, just so I know she is still alive🙄 I know it's ridiculous and I'm being a smother, but it's how I am.and she knows and accepts this. What I would caution is to keep the way open for him and don't ask too many questions. After Christmas of her first year, Dd returned to uni but then messaged to ask if she could come home, she never asked, always just said she was coming home so I knew something wasn't right. We had a nice weekend and when she went back she said she felt better, apparently none of her friends had returned as early as her so she had been on her own and feeling a bit miserable.

Oh god I don’t understand all these messages calling you controlling. This isn’t the normal university experience, he’s gone there to be with this man you don’t know. Do you know if he’s actually making friends and going out or is he purely spending time with this man?
my concern with the fact he’s never come out to you is that maybe he feels the need to hide it from you (whether justified or not) and your reaction to this man has confirmed whatever fears he had. This could very much leave him vulnerable to those fears being amplified by someone whispering in his ear and isolating him further. If he’s not making friends at uni and only focusing on this man he could become very isolated and dependent.
if you can speak to him I think you need to make it clear his sexuality makes no difference to you and he is loved and supported no matter what. I think that would be good for you both whether this man turns out to be a master manipulator or genuinely just some guy who gets on with your son (whether romantic or platonic).

but I don’t think your OR ( NOR ). I was a stupid teenager (lol and stupid 20 something) and I’ve been drawn in by charismatic online personalities, it’s very easy to get sucked in and feel special when this person that has loads of people trying to get their attention picks you out of everyone. Very easy to get infatuated and believe everything that comes out of their mouths especially if you’re feeling vulnerable.

Dont push too hard but don’t give up ❤️

How about giving him a ring and saying that you're proud of him for making it into uni, you hope he's settling in well and having some fun, and to contact you if he needs anything. Tell him a bit about what you were up to at that age, let him know what's going on in the neighbourhood back home and what the family has been doing. Ask him what his accommodation is like. Ask if it's OK if you give him a ring every couple of weeks. Let him know that it's possible to just have a normal chat, and that you don't always bring up subjects he doesn't want to open up about.

The first thing you need to do is to recognise that your child is now an adult. You need to stop being intrusive and nosy and most of all you need to stop being pushy and judgmental.

Give him some space, you don’t need to talk to him everyday. You don’t need to pry into his personal life.

The next opportunity you get to speak to him you need to apologise - because it feels like you’re missing some stuff out here - tell him you love him and support him and if he needs you, that you are always there. Then let him draw the relationship how he needs to and respect it.

He's going through massive changes in his life and he needs your support - not control, not judgement.

I hope if he is exploring his sexuality and is dating a man right now that you do not react in an ignorant manner.

Any news op?

If you didnt speak to him after his episode and only recieved messages I would be concerned that this friend is hiding something. If he is in halls could you ask for a check or if he is elsewhere contact police for welfare check?

I don’t understand the replies calling you controlling. Whether their relationship is platonic or romantic, the fact that he chose his university based on where this person lives seems unhealthy to me. I would say that about any type relationship - including a girl his own age. It suggests the other person has too much of an influence on his life and decisions.

Blocking is an extreme thing to do to someone whose only crime seems to be showing concern - because she’s his mum and she loves him! It suggests to me that he might be under somebody else’s influence. If he feels she’s being overbearing (although it doesn’t sound like she is) he could use his words and ask her not to message so much. If he’s a grown man like everybody is saying surely he should deal with it in a more mature way?

A few things to unpack here…
Firstly a 3-4 year age gap isn’t huge, I agree the maturity levels and power balance may cause you a concern but he is old enough to navigate that himself. I was seeing a 24 year old at 17, looking back that gives me the ick and would fill me with horror for my kids at that age but 21 seems ok.

my child is also type 1, and unlike most on here I know full well how all consuming that can be in the parent/child relationship. I imagine for years you have been managing or helping him to manage his condition and now you are completely sidelined. It is so hard when you sigh the high or low blood sugars and know they aren’t taking care of themselves, but again he is an adult now and you have to trust him to keep himself healthy.

have you ever discussed his sexuality? You said you suspect he is gay, have you ever made it clear that you full support him if he wants to bring a boyfriend home? Maybe he is keeping you at arms length as he explores himself and isn’t fully sure if you’ll love him no matter what. In which case I’d be upfront and say ‘I don’t care who you love as long as you’re happy!’, help him to see you’ll support him as he explores his sexuality.

I would reach out to him to express your love and support and then wait for him to get back to you. He is having an exciting time and it could be that he’s just out and about getting to know people and he’ll reconnect with you soon.

@BloomGeneral
So in two weeks you've had two calls (one being the hypo/er) and at least two texts. Based on tne "not to close/not too distant" dynamic I think that seems reasonable, even a lot, from his perspective. However, as a mother, I completely understand why it's not enough, it's a huge adjustment for you too but, sadly, one you don't get to share with him and can't impose on him.

That said, if that's all the contact you've attempted, I too would be worried that he'd blocked me. Who on earth wouldn't be worried of their child blocked them 2 weeks into uni 3.5hrs away?

If he's in uni / student accommodation he has the ability to get away from the 22 year old if he doesn't want to be with him. I suspect the uni / accommodation provider would be sympathetic to a request that he moves flats if he ends up not wanting the other person to know where he's living. So he's safe and has options if this is a relationship that fizzles out.

Most people arrive at uni not knowing anyone and make friends with people in their accommodation and on their course and in student societies.

If he's spending a lot of time with the 22 year old he may end up regretting not spending more time getting to know uni people but that's the kind of choice people make and have to accept the consequences of - it's also not the end of the world - the uni people will still be there.

Not every man into men is gay: please remember bisexual people exist! (And that for some people sexuality is fluid and some use more words to describe themselves and others don't find labelling their sexuality helpful).

Wobbly diabetes management at uni is sufficiently common there are guidance leaflets about it. It's not the end of the world.

What you can do: probably not a lot at the moment. This doesn't sound like a situation that needs a 999 ambulance for hypoglycemia or a police welfare check or even one where it's appropriate to phone the university.

Sending nice things in the post is a good plan. Waiting for him to contact you is a good plan too.

When you're in touch you could offer to help with practical things - does he have a fridge in his room for medication?