DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

I’d be worried, but I’m not sure what you can do. If he has blocked you I would send an open note threatening letter telling him that you are there for him if he wants and if he gets into any difficulties that you will be there to help with no judgement and no questions (get chat Gpt to draft). If he does get in Contact ask him to define his boundary and respect them. If you are financially supporting him you are entitled to contact IMHO. But tread very carefully and do t ask too many leading questions. Do not ask about 21yr old at all. The age gap isn’t huge bit it is an odd one.

Opennot threatening letter by post.

He's 18, not 17, and an adult. 5000 followers is nothing and definitely not enough to create a power imbalance. I'll be willing to guess that your son is exploring his sexuality, either with this gentleman or having him guide him through the gay scene. He's giving you a time out because you're annoying him and being overbearing. When I was younger I did this with my own mother because she had a hard time letting me go. I don't regret it and it did help us establish boundaries.

But if she doesn’t back off he’ll just push her away further. Of course it’s concerning about his health but he is an adult, however much of a young one and if he doesn’t want to share that with his mum right now that’s his choice. The language the OP has used about her son ‘I suspect he’s gay’ is probably the culprit- he doesn’t think she approves of his sexual orientation and relationship. She doesn’t know anything about this man, we have no idea if there’s a power balance, if he’s controlling or anything. He might be lovely. The only way to know that is to be accepting and get to know him, but for the moment that ship has sailed.

It is very normal to be worried about young adults but you don’t get to control their lives and demand to be involved. If tje OP is funding him she can choose to stop if she wishes.

I had very pushy and nosy parents who wanted to know every aspect of my life at university and were very judgmental of my life choices so I stopped returning home and had very limited contact. Made my life significantly better.

He will be back in touch when he needs a roof over his head

Yeah, I'd be worried about him just from a diabetes perspective, if he doesn't manage it well.

Will be need to contact you very shortly anyway for money? If so and he doesn’t make contact, then that’s when you worry!

There’s an enormous spectrum between wanting to know every aspect of someone’s life and completely uninvolved though. I think you’re probably projecting your own experience onto OP, it’s not particularly clear that she’s nosy and overinvolved. Or indeed necessarily disapproving of his lifestyle beyond not liking the friend.

I don’t see why setting out clear boundaries and expectations - on both sides - needs to push him away. Perhaps it could clear the air and set up a healthier dynamic going forwards. Your suggestion of cutting him off from funding seems a much more drastic step than setting boundaries - and far more likely to alienate him.

He feels smothered by you. Sometimes the most obvious reason is the reason

pa there is no power imbalance in those ages, unless he is your ds boss

If this guy he is friends with/in a relationship with is a gamer who streams, then a following of 5000 is next to nothing, certainly not celebrity status where there would be a significant power imbalance.

Id be a bit more concerned if you said he had a following of tens of thousands, a million+ etc. With 5000 'followers' ie, people who hit 'subscribe' on his channel he probably has a handful of people actually watching each video. I am subscribed to over 100 channels and only have alerts set for four or five!

If the guy is streaming something else, say, Andrew Tate esque incel ideology, I'd be more concerned.

However... kids do not block parents if they do not feel claustrophobic/micro managed by that parent. So you need to back off and that is literally the only thing you can do.

He knows where you are. He is an adult now. He can come and ask for help if he wants/needs it. You've had 18 years to raise him to understand that he can do that and if he doesn't now, he never will, you really can't do any more until he comes to you.

I chuckled at this also. I'm on Instagram, have over 500 followers and I hardly ever post anything. If you know anything about streaming and twitch then you will know that 5000 followers is very low. He's not making a living or career out of it.

Nice ageism and victim-blaming.

I would be worried too OP - it's hard to strike the right balance with grown up kids without being seen as overbearing. Is there a Wellness officer at the Uni you could talk to - just someone who can do a general check on him now & again without letting him know you asked?

This is not about the older partner.

Clearly it is, @MusicalCarbuncle , as the OP talks far more about the 22 year old than the diabetes in her posts.

OP, I completely understand being worried about your son's diabetes. That's a very reasonable concern.

Thinking of a 22yo as worryingly older and having influence and power because he's got 5,000 followers is not reasonable at all. That is nothing. I had 2000 followers and I rarely posted a thing. This isn't an older man of prestige and influence, it's a young man of 22 who shares his gaming, like millions of others.

He's clearly very important to your son and they're either in a close friendship or a relationship. Your disapproval couldn't be more obvious. Your son is well aware of this, which is probably why he's blocked you.

You have no control over whom your son dates or is friends with. You do control your reactions to those relationships.

Thats called grooming.

Just because you were groomed doesn't mean OP isn't right to be concerned.

Have you come to give advice or gloat about your followers?

You can still text his actual phone number, try that.

Are you funding uni? Or does his student loan cover everything?

Yes that’s an appropriate word I think.

At 17 he is not a child, and he’s left home, he’s independent. It sounds like you’re being too intense for him. Give him some space.

Yanbu to be worried. I would ask him directly if he has gay, he's probably trying to hide his secret life, start by cushioning the conversation, you love him, you're happy he is finding his way, has he met a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Invite him and his new friend out for a meal.
I'd be worried about him managing his diabetes.
Unfortunately as he is legally an adult there is not much.

Or maybe deleted WhatsApp?

I'm not gloating about followers, I'm saying those numbers don't mean a thing. I don't even have an account anymore.

The OP clearly thinks this young man is 'famous' to some degree and that's contributed a power differential. That's part of her worry.

I want her to not worry about that because no, he isn't a minor celebrity. That's not how it goes these days.

I don't know why you're responding to numerous people trying to reassure th OP with such a chip on your shoulder, Lollipop.