DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

@BloomGeneral take it easy 💐

To put this in perspective, I have a friend who is an influencer/streamer. Would you think there is a power imbalance between us because I sometimes watch her videos? She is about 6 years older than me.

Not at all. It's just a different world. He's watched videos streamed by someone who clearly shares a hobby. It's hard but try not overthink this. The internet can have its dangers but not everyone is a predator and at 17 he is a young adult. That is no age gap at all in the grand scheme of things.

So make yourself a cup of tea, keep the ball on the carpet and pick up the phone in the morning for a chat about how the week's going.

It's hard parenting teenagers/young adults and trying to get a balance. Especially if it's your first!

Don't stress x

I’d be freaking out to be fair if my type 1 diabetes son had suddenly started giving me short answers to texts (out of character) then gone off grid.
People posting ‘oh when I was an uni etc’ hello..we’re not in the 80s/90s now. Kids going off to uni now have been tethered to phones since childhood and constant contact is the norm. So this IS out of character

He isn't alone. He's in a flat with other Freshers. They'll be busy going to unite things, getting freebies. Getting to know each other. We didn't hear much from our three at the beginning unless they wanted information on washing machines etc. I'd send a gif after a couple of weeks "ET PHONE HOME" I'd usually get a response and a quick chat. I'd send a treat, chocolate brownies, Welsh cakes etc. Amazon delivery was very good.

If they need you they know where you are.

I agree absolutely!

I’ve just turned 23 and you wouldn’t catch me anywhere near a 17/18 year old, the amount of maturity you gain from just leaving school to your early-mid twenties is huge. I do understand why you’re concerned, no normal adult above the age of 19 wants anything romantically with a 17 year old CHILD

Age gap totally appropriate. He will likely make friends with older students at uni. Would you consider this odd?You obviously have a problem with this guy. Is it because it may be or may not be a gay relationship. He has blocked you because in his mind you are not giving him space. You need to take a step back.

Not read the full thread, but if it’s any help, several of my friends photos disappeared on a recent WhatsApp update. Hope thats all it is for you.

I have no idea why you're getting such a hard time. You're his mum...and he's blocked you. Id be really upset particularly if you'd always had a good relationship. It's a huge change from having him at home and actually I agree the man does have some hold over him which is unsettling... you'd suggest to any teen that they choose uni amd course for them not any relationship.
And then there is the added anxiety of diabetes.
Having said all of that I'm sure it is fine... but I did want to point out you are not being controlling or anything....take care

@BloomGeneral I understand why you are worried, especially with the diabetes element/risks.

I wonder if he needs to hear/know you accept him for who he is? What about sending a message/email/card (whichever is best under the cirucmstances) that lets him know you are really proud of him for getting to Uni, his independence and know he's going through lots of transitions. I'd also let him know that his happiness and wellbeing is the most important thing to you and the you are always there to support him no matter what.

I've worked with many young people who tend to go silent when they worry about judgement/letting their parents down or having to hide their identity. Try to keep it breezy and let him know you are in his corner always.

Hoping you hear from him soon!

Agree that the advice is not good.

I feel for you OP. Do you have other DC who could casually drop DS a note/see his location on Snapchat?

Otherwise I guess you’ll have to sit tight and hope he makes contact in due course. It’s very tough.

I don't see the problem with eh age gap - it's only 4 years - they're both adults. Its not like the other guy is 40.

Maybe he thinks you would not be comfortable with his sexuality? So he's giving himself some time and space to explore that world. I'd be sending regular texts but not be too pushy, just let him know you're there whenever he needs you. And maybe tell him you're proud of him for living his life on his terms?

We were all part of a theatre group so it wasn’t weird at all. So what if he’s in a relationship with a man? He’s now 18 and a 4 year age gap isn’t shocking to me. Mum freaking seems to have pushed him away.

I think it’s reasonable to be concerned about his health and if he’s managing it ok. Try to not focus on the other stuff too much. Send him a care package of food or a voucher so he can go shopping for some healthy foods if he’s struggling with balancing his sugars.

My DD started lying to us in small ways after she turned 18 and I realised that was my fault because I was being too nosy about her personal life. So I apologised and said please don’t lie to me but just tell me you don’t want to talk about something and I’ll back off. She’s made some mistakes but by us staying neutral she feels she can talk to us because she’s not feeling defensive about us being ‘right’ or saying I told you so.

He’s hardly an older man at 22 to your son’s 18 years 🤣🤣

There’s very little difference and there’s no reason an 18 year old can’t be friends with a 22 year old. That thinking is frankly bizarre.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re blocked. He may have deleted his WhatsApp or been banned - this happens more than you think for very little reason!

Thanks @DoctorDoctor and @EmeraldPebble. I suppose I was thinking that if DD had an accident on/near campus or fell ill and had to be hospitalized, someone at the university would hopefully be informed.
And if she’s given permission, they could tell us!

Although as she’s a third-year now, she has flatmates who also know us. I don’t normally worry too much about her, but this has got me thinking!

It might be nothing, but of course you're going to worry.

If his WhatsApp photo has disappeared and your message has a (prolonged) one grey tick only, then yes, you've been blocked.

You should still be able to text him, unless he's blocked you on all fronts

Trouble is, I get that you're worried , I would be too, but you don't want to push him away further

It sounds like hes in thrall to this influencer type. Possibly gay, possibly confused

It won't last with this influencer and keeping communication open and loving but chilled is probably best , so that he knows he can come home any time and he won't be judged or criticised

You say you "suspect" he is gay.
Watch that word "suspect" it might be seen as implying that there is something wrong with being Gay. It seems like you have always assumed he was straight instead of not assuming anything.
He will pick up on your negative language.

In your situation I'd leave him be for the minute. Then in another week or two ring and ask if you can visit and treat him and his friend to dinner.

Take him flowers and be nice.

It's hard enough seeing your child off to uni

Really? As a solo mum I was jumping for joy! Getting my own life back and proud he'd made it.

OP, I utterly understand where you are coming from and I hope he gets in touch soon.

I'm astounded at the number of parents on this thread that no longer care about their teenage child's serious health condition the minute the leave for university.
It's absolutely wild.

A following of 5K? Or do you mean 5M because 5000 followers really is nothing special and believe me there is not a power balance with only 5k followers.

I have over 15k followers amd im nothing 🤣

Bizarre that so many people are acting like it’s perfectly normal for an 18yo to move to uni then block his Mum, and suggesting OP back off. Although typical of MN I guess.

I would be worried and annoyed if my uni kids, who I am financially supporting, blocked and ignored me. And mine aren’t diabetic, that would up the worry factor exponentially. I don’t expect much from them (just as well, I don’t get much 😂), but I do expect a minimum level of good manners - including responding to texts, even just with “everything’s fine”, within a few days.

Not sure what to advise OP, I would probably send mine a message saying I understand their need for privacy/independence and support whatever lifestyle choices they make, but setting out minimum expectations eg messaging once a week and expecting a reply within 3 days to avoid worry esp in view of the diabetes. My boys would understand and comply. And consider it the price for staying on the gravy train.

Are people here completely deranged??
this is a barely adult person with T1diabetes who is going out drinking and letting rip: the OP is absolutely right to be very concerned. People underestimate the seriousness of T1. It can very easily lead to coma or worse.

This is not about the older partner. I agree thsts a much lesser concern as your son is an adult.

Of course it could be he has blocked her, or is out having the time of his little life, but it could equally be that he is unwell or … well, anything really. If they’ve always got on OK and your son is a robust mentally healthy person …blocking seems unlikely.

My response is heavily coloured by sharing my first year uni house with someone who had never been away from home and who a) had a thing for binge drinking b) had the WORST boyfriend ever (Perran, yeah, you!) and who also had T1. I lost count of the times we all forced a bowl of sugary conflakes on her at 11:45pm/4am/ and especially at 7:30 the next morning. Perran was fucking useless and usually snoring away.