Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL dilemma I can see us falling out big time

130 replies

llamaguy · 24/09/2025 17:24

Context

my husband died from suicide late last year, it’s been a bit of a difficult time but things are getting better I guess but I’m reaching the end of my wits with my MIL

she just keeps taking stuff back and it’s got to the point now where I’m pissed off

first it was his cards from the funeral as she wanted to make a memorial book, then it was photographs from albums we had made together (neither of which I’ve ever seen before despite all the cards being to me)

then is was clothes of his to make a bear (again into the abyss)

now the icing on the cake is a chest of drawers she gave us when me and my husband got together, she now wants them back I keep saying no but she keeps saying “yes but they were mine and I’d like them back “

the drawers have no value they’re a beat up shoe cupboard but the memories of it and having all our kids shoes in there and 30 years together with this drawers are a comfort to me I still have his beat up walking shoes in there.

I’m at the point where I don’t have much left of his and this is one of those sentimental pieces

Am I being unreasonable to suggest if she asks again for them I’m just going to leave them outside and for her not to contact me again

I understand she’s grieving but I lost my husband my kids their dad, he lived with me a lot longer than her and towards the end they had a big fall out so I understand she’s compensating for how they last spoke etc, but I just don’t know what to do about her anymore I don’t know how I can say no anymore without being down right rude, and if she insists then I just don’t want anything to do with her, it would be the final straw and if she wants to see the grandkids she can make arrangements outside of my home

when will she be happy when she has everything of his? What am I meant to do? I’ve barely anything sentimental left to give to my kids as it is, he didn’t really keep anything so it’s stuff like this I want to hang onto

or am I just being unreasonable and I should let her have it?

OP posts:
hepsitemiz · 24/09/2025 17:28

Don’t let her have it!

hepsitemiz · 24/09/2025 17:30

I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through.

She has no rights here, and you’ve already given her too much.

Summerhillsquare · 24/09/2025 17:30

Goodness, that is all very painful. Is there anyone who can mediate for you OP?

AlexandraJJ · 24/09/2025 17:32

I’m so sorry for your position. If it was me I wouldn’t engage with her. Frankly it sounds like she’s had more than enough and you will inevitably be feeling vulnerable and not up to arguing so I wouldn’t respond to anything other than ‘I think you’ve had quite enough and it stops now’. Whatever her motivation you are his wife and her behaviour is not acceptable under any circumstances. I am grieving with the recent passing of the love of my life (31 August) and I’ve not engaged with anyone further when they have said and done things that have been cruel at this time. It’s difficult enough as it is, you don’t need nor deserve it. Until she can behave in a respectful and kind manner I would distance myself. Be strong, and be kind to yourself and don’t allow this women to tread over you anymore

ChoccieCornflake · 24/09/2025 17:35

WTF, no, she can't have that!!

I'm so sorry for you loss and that she is making it worse

Didimum · 24/09/2025 17:36

Say no. Just say no! What can she feasibly do about it? If you’re at the point of no contact, then what’s the difference?

politely: ‘I’d like to keep them for sentimental value. Thank you for understanding’. Rinse and repeat.

Panola · 24/09/2025 17:36

I'd want the photo albums you and your dh made back tbh.
Sorry you've been through this.

GabriellaMontez · 24/09/2025 17:37

"No you cant, dont ask again". If she has keys take them back. If she's in your home, ask her to leave.

No need to return them.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 24/09/2025 17:38

I’m so sorry for your loss. Can you have a heart to heart. You’re both grieving. She may be so overwhelmed by the death of her child she’s lost sight of everything else and has forgotten that other people loved him too. Ideally you’d be comforting each other at this time. But you absolutely don’t have to give up everything of his to her.

TiredLimeUnicorn · 24/09/2025 17:38

My heart goes out to you OP. It sounds as though you have been really kind in your treatment of your mil’s feelings but it’s not being reciprocated or even appreciated. You say the drawers have no value but they do to you and that’s important. Your mil has no claim here and you have every right to deny her request without any guilt. Take care of yourself x

burndavideatglass · 24/09/2025 17:39

I am so sorry OP. Do NOT give it back to her. If she keeps it up. Disengage. I would be very upset over the cards too.

Imisscoffee2021 · 24/09/2025 17:42

I think you have the nail on the head where you say she is overcompensating for a fallout prior to his death that has been left unresolved. No clue regarding chest of drawers but the other items are ways for her to make things or have things made, almost like she's doing things to still be able to be a mother to her son, even if its to make a memory bear or memory album. A way to still do something for or about him.

However, while it's understandable, it's now pushing your grief and your relationship with him aside so you need to let her know what you wrote there, that you understand her wanting as many associated things with him closer, however it's now becoming too much and it feels like too much of him has left your home you built together, where yours and his children were raised.

He loves on most prominently in his children so surely reminding her of that will help her focus on maintaining relationships IN LIFE and not lingering over things left behind by those who leave.

I'm very sorry to you all for your loss x

NameChangeForThisQuestionOnly · 24/09/2025 17:45

“he lived with me a lot longer than her”
This is unreasonable, unfair, and not the way to go. She’s lost her child and she’s grieving differently to you, just as you as grieving differently to your kids.

Beyond that, I sympathise with you, but I think you need to find your voice! Have you tried saying something like “MIL, I don’t want to give you those drawers because they are sentimental to me, they hold memories of husband and our life together. I’ve already given you the cards I received after he died, the albums we made, and his clothes. I don’t have many physical things left from him. The drawers are something I will keep myself.”

Be kind, but be clear, and ignore attempts to negotiate.

BlueMum16 · 24/09/2025 17:45

Just No.

Say 'this is furniture we are using. It was never a loan'.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

ThejoyofNC · 24/09/2025 17:48

"MIL I've said no so please respect my wishes and stop asking. I want to keep some things to pass on to our children and you've already taken enough."

ShesTheAlbatross · 24/09/2025 17:49

photographs from albums we had made together

And she hasn’t given these back???

Vaxtable · 24/09/2025 17:50

I am sorry about your husband, it must be extremely difficult for you all

i would simply say something like

sorry Mil but you gave it away and it has sentimental value to me and the kids. You have already taken all the cards,(which were addressed to me) photos and clothes to make a memory bear, none of which I have seen. There is no reason you couldn’t get duplicate books with the originals to me and the kids and you keep the duplicate. You could have got two memory bears with the clothes I gave you so we both have one, but you haven’t. This means that the kids and I have very little to remind of him, so I am not giving you anything else.

nomas · 24/09/2025 17:51

I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers

First of all, does she have access to your home? Would the kids let her in? Does she have a key?

hmmnotreallysure · 24/09/2025 17:53

How does she access the stuff op? Does she have a key? Take it off her or change the locks and don't let her in the house

tinyspiny · 24/09/2025 17:57

Just tell her that you’ve said no and you would like back x, y , z and if she asks again then cut her off . Make sure she doesn’t have a key to your property . Sorry for your loss 💐

Redburnett · 24/09/2025 18:00

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

Redburnett · 24/09/2025 18:01

Sorry, wrong thread!

mrsjackbauer87 · 24/09/2025 18:02

I sorry you're in this situation.

Tbh I wouldn't focus on the drawers, don't give them back but don't waste mental time on explanations. I would focus on the photos. Can you write a letter asking for them? I would tell her you would make copies so you can both have them but I'd be firm you can't have any sort of conversation with her until they are returned.

saraclara · 24/09/2025 18:03

How did she get the photos and cards? If the cards were addressed to you, you absolutely should demand them back.

She cannot take what belongs to you, and what was addressed to you.

PervyMuskrat · 24/09/2025 18:08

Say she can have the drawers if she returns everything else.

I am so sorry for your loss.