MIL dilemma I can see us falling out big time

[llamaguy]

Context

my husband died from suicide late last year, it’s been a bit of a difficult time but things are getting better I guess but I’m reaching the end of my wits with my MIL

she just keeps taking stuff back and it’s got to the point now where I’m pissed off

first it was his cards from the funeral as she wanted to make a memorial book, then it was photographs from albums we had made together (neither of which I’ve ever seen before despite all the cards being to me)

then is was clothes of his to make a bear (again into the abyss)

now the icing on the cake is a chest of drawers she gave us when me and my husband got together, she now wants them back I keep saying no but she keeps saying “yes but they were mine and I’d like them back “

the drawers have no value they’re a beat up shoe cupboard but the memories of it and having all our kids shoes in there and 30 years together with this drawers are a comfort to me I still have his beat up walking shoes in there.

I’m at the point where I don’t have much left of his and this is one of those sentimental pieces

Am I being unreasonable to suggest if she asks again for them I’m just going to leave them outside and for her not to contact me again

I understand she’s grieving but I lost my husband my kids their dad, he lived with me a lot longer than her and towards the end they had a big fall out so I understand she’s compensating for how they last spoke etc, but I just don’t know what to do about her anymore I don’t know how I can say no anymore without being down right rude, and if she insists then I just don’t want anything to do with her, it would be the final straw and if she wants to see the grandkids she can make arrangements outside of my home

when will she be happy when she has everything of his? What am I meant to do? I’ve barely anything sentimental left to give to my kids as it is, he didn’t really keep anything so it’s stuff like this I want to hang onto

or am I just being unreasonable and I should let her have it?

Losing an (adult) child I’m sure is horrific. But losing your husband and father of your children will have a much bigger impact on day to day life than losing an adult child. Your whole future has changed in a blink. Parental grief doesn’t trump this.

Personally I wouldn't care about the material stuff as am not a sentimental person in that sense. I get that other people do care about that sort of stuff so I'd let her have it. That does not however mean that you need to or that you should!

As they weren't even on good terms when he took his life I wouldn't be allowed about having a relationship with her to be honest.

I'm one of three adult kids and when our mum died one of my siblings told me vulnerable elderly dad that she wanted mums engagement, wedding and eternity rings. She said mum had told her she should have them.
My arse she did. Dad said no and hasn't had anything to do with her since.
When someone dies it sadly isn't just your own grief that you have to put up with, it's other people's crappy reactions.
I'm so sorry for your and your kids bereavement. You've been more than accommodating, remind her how many things you've already given to her and tell her that you and your kids would like to keep the rest now. 🩵

I'm one of three adult kids and when our mum died one of my siblings told me vulnerable elderly dad that she wanted mums engagement, wedding and eternity rings. She said mum had told her she should have them.
My arse she did. Dad said no and hasn't had anything to do with her since.
When someone dies it sadly isn't just your own grief that you have to put up with, it's other people's crappy reactions.
I'm so sorry for your and your kids bereavement. You've been more than accommodating, remind her how many things you've already given to her and tell her that you and your kids would like to keep the rest now. 🩵

No dont let her have them. Shes taken most of his things and she needs to consider you & his children as well!

You’d be surprised what items bring memories, it’s a tatty old cupboard we’ve had for 30 years a gift when we got our first house together

I’m probably doing it a disservice it’s well made solid wood made in the 1920s

it’s also worthless because it’s full of dings, scratches (each one is a story) children’s scribbles in the draws etc. but it’s been there in the hall way for everything, from when we were married, our child’s first shoes etc etc

it’s also the only furniture that’s followed us around the rest has been replaced at some point

whereas his hammer in the tool box (as en example of another object) in the garage he used a handful of times over the 30 years on projects where I probably wasn’t involved, little to no sentimental value, she’s welcome to his tools in the garage and his toothbrush who the heck wants that kinda stuff?

Oh and to add to what I said, I find it in really poor taste when random relatives come out of the woodwork to ask for stuff when a loved one dies.
When my DH lost his last remaining parent his uncle asked him for a silverware set he had given my DH's parents over 40 years ago for their wedding which was worth over a grand. DH still had to pay inheritance tax on it, his uncle has ample money of his own and is old, doesn't really have a need for it but DH agreed to let him have it. Once something is a gift it is given, people shouldn't just ask for it back. Especially when it's been willed to someone else.

Ask for the cards and photos back. The bear I would leave. Don’t give up the drawers either (but keep it ambiguous until you’ve got the other stuff back)

This.

She is grieving and maybe she is driven to want these things as part of a feeling of taking her son back. Each thing she gets might provide a small sense of having him back but that feeling doesn't last and just leads to her wanting the next thing. You are grieving too, and in her grief, she isn't being fair to you. The drawers will not bring her son back. Stay polite but firm. She needs help, not your furniture.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP 💐

I mentioned a lot of other stuff, has she taken every photo you have of him or just some, also did she take all his clothes to just make a bear or did she just take a few items

Yep. Have every photo scanned at at least 800DPI and make a backup of the backup.

Yuck

If the kids are adults I second ceasing contact with this person. By the sounds of it her son didn't even want her in his life at the end which makes it seem a bit disloyal to him to keep this relationship going. If my DH fell out with a relative of his and then died I'd ignore that person out of loyalty to the late DH.

Are you a 2yo

Well said. OP, he chose to live with you, not her. He'd fallen out with her

shes being so out of line
you ends them photos back asap
get the photos then take a big big break from her

So sorry this has happened to you.
You have given mil more than enough.
Politely tell her she is not to ask for anything else.
If she continues to do so you will have to take space from her.
Yes she is grieving but she can't take all your husbands belongings or things than mean so much to you and your children.
Tell her no more x

Get your photos back for the kids and give her nothing. What a selfish cow she is.

if I was I would still have a higher moral compass than trolling a lady that’s just lost her husband and is now slowly having the things that should be kept for her and her children drained from her. Yes it does bring out a childish side of me as you really give me the “ick”

I’ve nothing I can say that others haven’t. You have been through so much and I wish you all peace and happiness in future. I would certainly hold on to what you have and say to the MIL this stops now unfortunately or we can’t keep being in contact.

Be plain. Say, no, you already took x, y and z. You are not the only person grieving here. Children’s names are grieving their father. I am. You can’t have it all.

If she argues, move on to no, you can’t have anything else. That’s final. Then if she flounces, she flounces.

This won’t work on me. I’m far too old. I think because of my hip vernacular 😂you think I’m younger than I am. I’m a very old lady that lived in a time when bullies actually bullied, they weren’t passive aggressive or keyboard warriors.

Perfectly nice people do weird things when someone dies. It's a visceral reaction, not something that you can reason with. So don't waste your energy trying.

She may be afraid that these things will be lost forever so I'd say 'I'm not ready to part with them and maybe I never will be, but if the time comes when I am, I'll offer them to you first.' And then refuse to discuss further.