MIL dilemma I can see us falling out big time

[llamaguy]

Context

my husband died from suicide late last year, it’s been a bit of a difficult time but things are getting better I guess but I’m reaching the end of my wits with my MIL

she just keeps taking stuff back and it’s got to the point now where I’m pissed off

first it was his cards from the funeral as she wanted to make a memorial book, then it was photographs from albums we had made together (neither of which I’ve ever seen before despite all the cards being to me)

then is was clothes of his to make a bear (again into the abyss)

now the icing on the cake is a chest of drawers she gave us when me and my husband got together, she now wants them back I keep saying no but she keeps saying “yes but they were mine and I’d like them back “

the drawers have no value they’re a beat up shoe cupboard but the memories of it and having all our kids shoes in there and 30 years together with this drawers are a comfort to me I still have his beat up walking shoes in there.

I’m at the point where I don’t have much left of his and this is one of those sentimental pieces

Am I being unreasonable to suggest if she asks again for them I’m just going to leave them outside and for her not to contact me again

I understand she’s grieving but I lost my husband my kids their dad, he lived with me a lot longer than her and towards the end they had a big fall out so I understand she’s compensating for how they last spoke etc, but I just don’t know what to do about her anymore I don’t know how I can say no anymore without being down right rude, and if she insists then I just don’t want anything to do with her, it would be the final straw and if she wants to see the grandkids she can make arrangements outside of my home

when will she be happy when she has everything of his? What am I meant to do? I’ve barely anything sentimental left to give to my kids as it is, he didn’t really keep anything so it’s stuff like this I want to hang onto

or am I just being unreasonable and I should let her have it?

Thank you for your kind words, I always feel humbled at the kindness of strangers. It means a lot. It’s surprising who is there for you in times like these and who isn’t. My own mother told me to get over it and she wasn’t going to indulge me. I have to say I went nuclear on her. I haven’t seen nor spoken to her since. Anyway I’m not hijacking the thread. I wish family could pull together in times like these as that’s when we need them the most whether we realise it or not. They say grief is love with nowhere to go, for my part I think it helps if we can funnel that love in to the things and the people the deceased loved

Offer to swap it for the rest of the stuff she’s taken.

Really nasty post @Mapletree1985 to the OP who is managing her own grief and that of her children. Your lack of empathy is concerning.

This. My heart goes out to you all amidst this devastating loss.
I'm sure that requests and actions aren't ill intentioned. Emotions can get entangled amongst such tragic circumstances

Jeez, she’s unbelievable. Don’t let her remove furniture from your family home - and get your photos back! If she falls out with you over it then so be it. I know she’s lost her son but she’s behaving very selfishly.

“Dear MIL. This is to confirm that I discussed the [chest of drawers] [any other item] before x sadly died and it was made clear to me that this was a gift. On that basis my understanding is that legally this belongs to me and I will not be returning it. Please do not ask me about this again- and please note that I will not be replying to further messages about this.”

Do not give it back to her.

Loss is such a personal journey and no wrong or right over how people cope with it. But in the same breath, she while hurting, needs to respect your wishes too. I hope you don't look at those drawers and the happier memories are replaced with memories of her being possessive over them and falling out over. She may be in a way in danger of ruining them for you and I really hope she backs down soon.

Am so so very sorry for the loss of your husband and father of your children and so sorry that your MIL isn't working with you and instead becoming a problem in your own journey in this. I hope she made a bear for your children at least, something for them or a scrap book of the photos for them to have a copy. Maybe would've even had made herself feel better finding ways to share the nicer parts with her grandchildren too.

Wish you calm for the future and sending hugs.

I think that is very wise, and true.....funnel it into what mattered to them.
My mother repeatedly expressed how difficult it was for her, told me I'm strong, so it's OK.
I would have completely cut her out of my life, but was her carer at the time.
Years later, I still remember the small kindnesses that people did........there were many, but not usually from those who should have shown kindness.

What a shitty post.

OP has lost her husband and her children have lost their dad. You don't seem to have a drop of empathy for OP and her kids, even though she is clearly grieving.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You're his wife and next of kin. His stuff is now yours.

Say no. She's trying to leave you with nothing. Ask her to return everything. She's trying to pretend she was the most important woman in his life and she may be grieving, but she can't have his sentimental things or the funeral cards. Those clothes, your kids might want. My youngest still sometimes curls up in her dad's beat up old hoodie.

Is there anyone else who could advocate for you? Does your DH have any siblings who might be better able to be firm with her?

I'd definitely ask for the cards and photos back.

You have my full sympathies. Definitely hold on to anything you cherish. Just tell her that you cherish it: 'This is a special piece of DH for me (and the DCs)' and that should solve all problems since she should realise that he's special for you also.

Just for comparison, my DH died about 19mos ago. My DH had cancer but it was still unexpected since his treatments had been successful. Thus my MIL has lost a 'child' (he was late 50s ...). Just as I have lost a husband and my DDs have lost a father.
My MIL and FIL, especially, feel his loss but not once have they asked about his personal effects much less appropriated them... They have been fantastic about supporting me at meetings with the 'funeral director' (that shithead) and the vicar.
As you have learned, this kind of event brings out the crazy for some people and you have done well to cope with your MIL, acknowledging and supporting her grief. Hang in there; it is tough.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. I know your MIL is suffering too but it is really really unfair that you are having to deal with this. I am concerned about the pressure you are being put under; you say she will 'just bully me into having the drawers'. The understatement in your post, where you refer to the extreme trauma you have gone through as 'a bit of a difficult time', makes me concerned that you are not in a good place to have to deal with your MIL right now.

If FIL is unhelpful, is there anyone else in the family who might be able to mediate on this, or intervene to take this pressure off you? You don't actually have to write to her about the drawers, or to engage with her at all about this.

I don't agree at all with those (very few) posters who claim that you are not understanding towards your MIL. Based on your posts it is apparent that you have bent over backwards to be understanding and empathetic towards her. But it would not be unreasonable at all to step back from her now, at least until you are feeling stronger, and prioritise yourself and your DC.

This is why I initially asked if I should just leave them outside for her, because yes if it does start causing friction happy memories will be replaced by her selfish actions

sadly no, she is clinging to everything

What about the slack for OP and her children?

I really am sorry, it's just not what you need right now, or, well ever.

I'm so so sorry Op for your loss. It must be such a shock. You didn't expect to be a widow so soon, and your MIL did not expect to outlive her ds.You are both hurting in different ways and you are both navigating a way through.

It sounds like your MIL is wrapped up in her grief and has forgotten about you..She won't know how you feel unless you do say something and express your wishes - which is completely understandable.

If you feel too fragile to bring this up, (which really you shouln't have to do so soon after your loss), then please do try and enlist a friend or family member who can do this for you.

Sending you much love in this difficult time. It isn't what you need.

I would get the photos back and make copies for each DC

And is she proposing that you what? Hire a van to deliver them to her?! Just reduce contact, you’ve been through enough without her harassing you. If she’s phoning, don’t answer every time. If she’s messaging, don’t respond immediately. Ignore all craziness about wanting whatever back. You need time to get your head around everything, although that’s easy for me to say when you’ve been through so much. Hugs. ❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss and that of your children.

Yes, your MIL grieving as well, but her loss doesn't negate yours or the children's. She should definitely return the photos so you can have copies made. You all deserve to have your memories.

Surely she did not take all his clothes?

Ask her what became of the cards and photos?

Surely a battered cheap old shoe cupbiard doesn’t hold that many memories

You must have plenty of his stuff, ( some clothes) shoes, books, cups,toothbrush: shaver, socks, photos ( she surely didn’t take every single photo of him) , his tools/ hobby equipment, books, old letters etc etc etc

Oh goodness I’m so sorry for your loss and these current circumstances. She has taken enough. Mothers need to understand that at a certain point in their children’s lives, they may NOT be the most important person in their child’s life and also that they do not ‘own’ that child. Our job is to protect them and grow them into a well balanced adult who can leave us, and fly with their own wings. That includes being allowed to love their partner whether we like them or not, and recognise that they are not our sole possession. I think many women are guilty of babying sons more than daughters. That’s just my opinion based upon what I see.
In your situation, I would be inclined to write her a letter. She must have things that belonged to him as a baby, lots of sentimental items and belongings as he was growing up. She shouldn’t be taking things that are sentimental to you and your children as a family, whether she ‘gave’ it to you or not.
A wise woman would embrace you as a person and keep you close. It is sad that she doesn’t seem able to see this. Wishing you all the best in the years ahead. X