MIL dilemma I can see us falling out big time

[llamaguy]

Context

my husband died from suicide late last year, it’s been a bit of a difficult time but things are getting better I guess but I’m reaching the end of my wits with my MIL

she just keeps taking stuff back and it’s got to the point now where I’m pissed off

first it was his cards from the funeral as she wanted to make a memorial book, then it was photographs from albums we had made together (neither of which I’ve ever seen before despite all the cards being to me)

then is was clothes of his to make a bear (again into the abyss)

now the icing on the cake is a chest of drawers she gave us when me and my husband got together, she now wants them back I keep saying no but she keeps saying “yes but they were mine and I’d like them back “

the drawers have no value they’re a beat up shoe cupboard but the memories of it and having all our kids shoes in there and 30 years together with this drawers are a comfort to me I still have his beat up walking shoes in there.

I’m at the point where I don’t have much left of his and this is one of those sentimental pieces

Am I being unreasonable to suggest if she asks again for them I’m just going to leave them outside and for her not to contact me again

I understand she’s grieving but I lost my husband my kids their dad, he lived with me a lot longer than her and towards the end they had a big fall out so I understand she’s compensating for how they last spoke etc, but I just don’t know what to do about her anymore I don’t know how I can say no anymore without being down right rude, and if she insists then I just don’t want anything to do with her, it would be the final straw and if she wants to see the grandkids she can make arrangements outside of my home

when will she be happy when she has everything of his? What am I meant to do? I’ve barely anything sentimental left to give to my kids as it is, he didn’t really keep anything so it’s stuff like this I want to hang onto

or am I just being unreasonable and I should let her have it?

If your posts were so reasonable and not trolling. Why have you deleted them

I think you have a very very simplistic view on the situation

Grief doesn't have to be competitive, unfortunately she's acting like it is. Write a letter if you think it will help but I personally prefer a more direct approach and would phone her and tell her that her behaviour is causing you pain at a time where you are already grieving. She is harming her relationship with you, the wife of her son and her grandchildren's mother. You would think she would want to keep you close not push you away.

Sending lots of love to you.

I think I would ask her what she’s hoping to gain by keep taking items from you. Because no matter how many items she takes it’s not going to change the situation. I hope you’re ok op maybe she needs therapy.

"MIL, this has to stop now, I need the photo album back so that the children have photos of THEIR FATHER, I am happy to get copies made for you,
I am not returning the drawers, you have literally removed all & everything of any sentimental value for Both the Children & I.
We are all grieving, we are all hurting the same way.
Please do not overstretch my good will, as this is final.
On your next visit, please remember to bring our photo album, the children are asking for it.

She has been unreasonable, grieving but unreasonable. A year after my husband passed (expected, he had been deteriorating for years,) I moved in with my new partner and didn’t tell the in-laws and got a new phone number. Their attitude to me during his illness and afterwards was devoid of respect or consideration, responding in kind was a huge relief. Don’t feel bad about protecting your peace xx

I think you should start proactively asking for some of the other stuff back. And whenever she asks about the drawers, reply by telling her to post the album.

So sorry for your loss . I know it's hard, but can you cut her some slack? She's grieving for her son, and terrible grief makes people behave irrationally. She has lost sight of the fact that you and your children are also grieving. You don't need to give the drawers, of course, but since she lives so far away you probably don't need to see her very often. So just say no, calmly and firmly. Writing a letter is a good idea, as you say.

The thing about memories and items that are sentimental is that it is highly personal. What may not mean much to you on the surface may mean the world to someone else. Be kind, this lady has been through enough.

Don’t let her have it.

And say a slightly sanitised version of what you said here. My husband and father of kids has died and you are taking all his belongings and memories?

you have enough, please stop asking.

It's hard because you are both grieving and this is happening in the middle of that.

But she's encroaching on your personal and private space without any consideration for you - I think you are correct to stay firm and draw a line.

I'd suggest just saying no to her next request politely.

Don't do anything dramatic and hopefully over time things will ease for both of you.

Firstly I'm sooo sorry for your loss,

Secondly, your MIL is Atrocious with a capital A! If I were I your situation I would block her and go no contact, change the house locks (assuming she let's herself in to take the stuff) don't let her have anymore they belong to you now, make sure kids don't let her in.

I know how I can get some photos back without contacting the MIL:

All the important photos of his on your phone, dating,marriage, first photos with the kids,etc, every memory, save them on a Google account to Google drive, then, go on Google photos and select them all in a photo book, pay, get this delivered to you and hide it from MIL.

As for the draws don't give it to her and if she constantly begs for it give her the finger and kick her out.

@Mapletree1985 your post is shameful

This. Reply to any asking for the drawers with 'I'm not even considering it till I get my cards and photos back'. Sorry you are suffering with this too.

Either avoid her and reduce contact as much as possible or demand the photo albums back every time she mentions taking anything else and just repeat it. Or get rude. Its fine to be rude. She's gone well beyond rude herself!

OP has lost her husband and the father of her children - she does not have to give in to all the demands from MIL who is clearly trying to assuage her own guilt from the fallout with her son.
OP has been more than generous and enough is enough now.

So sorry for your loss OP -sending you a hug x

The comment about how the drawers were hers and she’d like them back sounds a lot like her pulling the drawbridge up around her family (her husband, her son and any siblings (?)) after it’s been ‘damaged’. It’s one thing for her to view you as an outsider over whom she might feel she has “priority”, but you have children.

I would say “no, I’m sorry. You’ve taken so many things already that I’m not left with much for each DC to remember him by for the rest of their long lives, let alone me for the rest of mine. I want this piece of furniture to sit in Ann’s/Derek’s hallway when they’re 42yo, to remember their dad - just like they and I do now. And in fact, I won’t be entertaining any further such requests, for these reasons. You’ve removed so many sentimental items from us already, I don’t want any more to leave DH’s and DCs’ home. Please don’t raise this again - ever.”

So sorry for your loss.

Im only really keeping the connection going for my kids, they are 17&18 now so quite independent but still because we live far away I am the link between them, do you have kids also? How did they react?

she will probably be expecting us to come up at Christmas but I don’t think I can do it perhaps I’ll have that conversation with my kids and see if they want to be dropped off and I’ll pick them up afterwards, but then again I feel like I should be the barrier for them to protect them from her, if I’m not there of course she will start saying something and spinning a narrative

If you go for Christmas you can get your albums back

sorry for everything you’re dealing with

I feel I gave her plenty of slack with the other things, although unrelated to my question I understand more than most what’s she’s going through we lost our eldest daughter (@19)

I’m hoping she will see sense but once she has an idea in her head she is stubborn as anything, it was why my husband fell out with her and she didn’t apologise to him for months and months while she had the chance to fix it.

Easy to say this behind a keyboard, I’d love to but I’m human like the rest of us and I’m not built like that, I can ask and have done so but beyond physically taking them back by force I can’t see them coming back.

and if I did that then the albums would remind me of that rather than anything else.

Thanks for all the responses, I’ve been second guessing myself as I reach this point, I’ll just arrange to meet her in public places from now on if she wants to meet up.

and I’ll probably write her a letter explaining it all in ink hopefully that will help her understand my position

Sorry for your losses OP.

It sounds like she's quite a difficult character.

I wouldn't give her an emotional or open ended question like asking what else she wants to take, or saying she's already taken a lot. It sounds like it may just escalate her grievances about other things she might want.

Replying asking her for the photos back as she's had time to make copies is fair. Don't engage about the cabinet at all for now until if/when you feel like.

Don't give her anything else as you're right, you won't see it back.

Is there someone else who is on your side who can be diplomatic but has been less directly affected by the bereavement who can get in touch saying you're not well and to handle things for a while?

Ive got a complex family background with multiple losses too and I found counselling helpful around a similar situation with a relative who wouldn't respect boundaries and just kept asking more and more.

Also, I think it's very easy to think too much about an overly demanding family member rather than the other folk around you who are easier to deal with but may also need support, including yourself.

It would be perfectly in order for you to want a quiet Christmas with your kids after everything you've been through.

Yep. Your kids have lost their sister and their dad, and they are still young enough to rely on you showing them how to navigate the difficulties of ‘first time doing XYZ without dad’.

If MIL is going to be kind and lovely this Christmas, that would be wonderful. But if she’s going to create drama that sucks up your limited energy, then I would save it for your kids. Was she at all helpful in the first bereavement?