MIL dilemma I can see us falling out big time

[llamaguy]

Context

my husband died from suicide late last year, it’s been a bit of a difficult time but things are getting better I guess but I’m reaching the end of my wits with my MIL

she just keeps taking stuff back and it’s got to the point now where I’m pissed off

first it was his cards from the funeral as she wanted to make a memorial book, then it was photographs from albums we had made together (neither of which I’ve ever seen before despite all the cards being to me)

then is was clothes of his to make a bear (again into the abyss)

now the icing on the cake is a chest of drawers she gave us when me and my husband got together, she now wants them back I keep saying no but she keeps saying “yes but they were mine and I’d like them back “

the drawers have no value they’re a beat up shoe cupboard but the memories of it and having all our kids shoes in there and 30 years together with this drawers are a comfort to me I still have his beat up walking shoes in there.

I’m at the point where I don’t have much left of his and this is one of those sentimental pieces

Am I being unreasonable to suggest if she asks again for them I’m just going to leave them outside and for her not to contact me again

I understand she’s grieving but I lost my husband my kids their dad, he lived with me a lot longer than her and towards the end they had a big fall out so I understand she’s compensating for how they last spoke etc, but I just don’t know what to do about her anymore I don’t know how I can say no anymore without being down right rude, and if she insists then I just don’t want anything to do with her, it would be the final straw and if she wants to see the grandkids she can make arrangements outside of my home

when will she be happy when she has everything of his? What am I meant to do? I’ve barely anything sentimental left to give to my kids as it is, he didn’t really keep anything so it’s stuff like this I want to hang onto

or am I just being unreasonable and I should let her have it?

Oh you poor love 💗 I am so sorry, for your loss, and for it being compounded by this lunatic woman.

Next time she asks for something it would be tempting to agree and then give her something completely random, e.g. a Sylvanian Families playset. I know that's going nuclear, but I'm not sure how you reason with someone so monumentally stupid and selfish.

When people are grieving, "unreasonable" just doesn't apply. She lost her child. Imagine if you lost your child. I hope you do have to imagine it, and don't know from experience what it's like.

I was going to say this too!

If she brings back the other things she "borrowed" she can have the drawers.

Otherwise absolutely no chance.

I am so sorry for your loss @llamaguy
Your MIL is making it all about her loss with it seems very little if any thought for you and your children. You have lost your life partner and your children have lost their Dad.
You have been more than accommodating of her grief while she has trampled all over yours and your children's. Do not give her another thing. Tell her you want the cards and photographs back. If she wants copies she can take them but you want the originals back. She is selfish and seems hasn't considered anyone else's feelings other than her own. Time to get tough and if she falls out with you so be it. Put yourself and your children first for once.

Maybe she shouldn't have fallen out with him and she wouldn't feel the need to overcompensate - has she ever owned her actions from the fall out?

No you're definitely not being unreasonable, at this point id consider going very low contact/no contact.

I'm guessing your kids are adults now so can manage their own relationship with her as they see fit?

I'm so sorry about what you have been going through.

Fuck and off come to mind

The cards were to you, they weren't hers to have in the first place. I understand having some clothing to 'make a bear', but not everything. The photo albums, again, they weren't hers to have - by all means she could have a few photos, but not entire albums. I think she has completely lost sight of the fact you have lost your husband and your children have lost their Dad. She wants everything, because your husband is her son. Him being her son, doesn't trump, you being his wife, in the levels of grief, it's just different type of grief. Personally, I wouldn't have given these to her, but I understand you are grieving and aren't necessarily thinking straight. The chest of drawers, is a definite no, and you need to tell her why... that she's taken everything belonging to your husband and left nothing for you or your children.

It might be an easy thing to slip into unreasonable when grief stricken but it doesn't give you the right to act however you like. OP is also grief stricken and having to deal with her own grief, her children's grief and her MIL taking everything of sentiment from them. OP should have pushed back on this ages ago, for her child's benefit if not her own.

Your line about never experiencing that grief is utterly hideous.

When people are grieving, “unreasonable” just doesn’t apply

I strongly disagree. It may be at a different threshold but grief is not carte blanche to do whatever, especially to other grieving people. She’s taken photo albums and not returned them. That is absolutely unreasonable.

OP has lost her husband and her kids have lost their dad. Learn some empathy.

You have my sympathy OP. I am a widow too so have some understanding of what you are going through.

You have been very generous already. Your mil has no right to do what she’s been doing, and while I would forgive her because of her grief, I wouldn’t give into her. Tell her if she doesn’t stop she risks losing her grandchildren and DIL as well as her son, so she needs to back off and let you grieve how you want to.

Can you bargin for the other things back ( she can make copies ) for the chest of draws?

You have lost your husband, I know how awful that is as I have lost mine, but she has lost her child. You don’t expect to have to bury a child. She’s grieving the way she sees fit as are you. Grief isn’t a competition as to who had lost the most. You are both hurting and both entitled to grieve. Is there someone in the family who can mediate? Can she get copies of the photos do you can have the originals back?

I'm so sorry for your loss - suicide is such a difficult thing to recover from and I hope that you and your children are having counselling.

The question of how did she get the photos & cards was my thought. If she has free access to your house you need to stop that, change the locks ask her to all before visiting.

I would ask for them back.

As for the chest of drawers - although it's only a piece of furniture, it's symbolic of the way that she's treating you and you need to draw a line in the sand and start to say no.

I hope that things get better for you - sending my love.

I know how hard it is when you are grieving but I think you are not unreasonable and would have been justified in putting a stop to this much sooner.

I wasn’t thinking straight at the time, I know I shouldn’t have but it’s done now, it was difficult because she pretty much just took them during the wake

she was crying etc and I gave in, knowing I have other sentimental items about (at the time)

I’ll probably write her a letter and explain again she’s not having the drawers (it’s ridiculous because they’re the most impractical and tatty drawers ever, most are broken, hence why there’s so many memories attached to it getting shoes stuck in there on our way out etc)

she doesn’t have a key she lives 200 miles away, and if she mentions them again I’ll just not invite her over as I know she will bully me into having the drawers, my FIL just goes along with what she says so he’s no help

I don’t know how I can say no anymore without being down right rude

Be rude ! Well, be assertive and if she won't ease off then be rude. She's grieving but so are you and it's not a free pass to be selfish and unreasonable. Get your photo albums back, she can take copies.

Does she have a key? Stop letting her in and stop letting her take things. Things given as gifts are yours not hers. Go no contact.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
please remember that losing a child is also devastating and she is grieving too.

Could she be punishing you because you had a good relationship with DH? And she is lashing out through possessions because she fell out with him?

Regardless, don't give her anything else.

I'm sorry for your loss; that is very recent.
I lost my husband of 21mths some years ago, and still don't have contact with those who were cruel at the time. Richard E Grant touched on this on Desert Island Discs, recorded not very long after his wife died. He simply said he would never have anything to do with them again, including those who just ignored his loss. You really do find out who your friends are. Again, I'm so sorry...you must be utterly raw.

Of course you don’t have to give her everything but I would cut her some slack over this. She’s lost her child and none of us know or want to imagine what that would do to us.

I am so sorry you lost your husband and the children lost their dad
His mum lost her son,and unfortunately in her grief she is being unreasonable to you.
You’ve inadvertently been too passive giving her the photos, you can make copies, don’t let her take any more items

No OP. It’s enough already, time to say no.