Finances when moving in together

[Dobetter]

Hiya

Looking for some opinions/advice.

My partner has moved into my house, which I share with my DD (16).

Before moving in we didn’t have a conversation about finances. Call me silly but we are both very open, so I just assumed it would come up whilst here.

Yesterday, it came up 3 months after hes moved in. I’m yet to have any contribution from him.

We have his 3 children here every Saturday - Sunday and lucky enough I had a spare room which has now become their bedroom.

In yesterday’s conversation he has offered me £100 towards the bills and half to the food shopping. Is this reasonable? I didn’t give him much feedback as I felt like I was caught off guard and he delivered the conversation in a jokey way.

He said he is unwilling to contribute towards the mortgage. Whilst I appreciate it’s not his house, he can’t get a mortgage. Nor can he be put on this one, for various reasons. As I did make the suggestion for the future.

He was previously paying board at his parents house, as he lived there following a break up a few years ago. He said it’s my mortgage so my financial burden, however, if he rented he would have to pay someone else’s mortgage..

I’m open to suggestions, advice and opinions as to whether you think the above arrangement of £100 to bills and half the food shopping is reasonable, or if you think he should be contributing more.

We both work.

I have always paid the mortgage on my own prior to this, but obviously have less disposable income than him if this arrangement stands. He isn’t very giving or forthcoming financially, we tend to take turns or go halves when out and about.

If I’m honest part of me feels like he is taking advantage, as a 40 year old man, where can you live for £100 a month in 2025…

Thanks for your comments in advance.

this unfortunately says it all...where is the love, the desire, the I want this woman to be my woman.....

He’s a less a partner, more a parasite looking for a host.

Always, always discuss finances before committing to live with someone. It may not be romantic, but then neither is having a glorified squatter. He thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to take little in the way of responsibility for himself (and his children) whilst taking massive advantage of you. There’s not respect there for you. You deserve better.

£100 a month he is taking the piss.
The mortgage is yours keep it that way
so he’s a cock lodger and your now providing for his two children when they come to stay over.
Food bill
Gas and electric
Days out (especially when his kids are staying)
OP don’t be silly he needs to be paying more than £100 a month or better still send him back to his parents

£100?? WTAF?? AND you have his kids there at weekend? Which pot of money does their food come out of? A PP also mentioned the loss of single persons council tax? Think hard OP, is this what you want?

£100?? What a fucking insult! Big head shake! 🫨

Do NOT marry him. This won't get better. He is trying it on. He knows what it costs to live and the running costs of 3 children. Does he have an expensive car btw? Roof over his head, children housed and cheap living. Win for him and throw in some sex and now his glass is more than half full

My ds2 has been working for a year and still lives at home.
He pays £100pm as a contribution to the bills, plus buys his own food & toiletries.
The £100 basically covers the loss of the 25% council tax reduction along with a small contribution to utilities.
I see this £100 as a nominal amount, he'd be paying upwards of £600pm to rent a room locally.

My DP has recently moved in, so I went through my actual house bills costs and we are paying half each - which is around £250.
I haven't asked for a contribution towards the housing element (and I don't have a mortgage).
We then split the food shopping equally.
(And my DP is currently still paying bills, albeit minimal as he isn't living there, on his old place - complicated situation).

Your partner is taking the piss.

I think I would be at a very high risk of losing any feelings for a man who has moved three kids into your single spare bedroom and can't afford a mortgage of his own, but is happy to pay a pittance while you carry a heavy burden. He's had a cushy few months scrounging off you, but I'd be putting a swift end to it.

I have only read your post. My view is very simple - any financial benefit of living together should be shared equally. It is fine for you and him not to want him paying mortgage as such. Its not ok for him to be benefiting from this new arrangement while you dont. And at £100 per month, you are NOT benefiting. How much have you lost in council tax discount alone?!

Is he paying maintenance to the mothers of his 3 children?

Wow op, he doesn't think much of you does he. £100! So ridiculous, so insulting, so clear you are just a meal ticket. I'm really sorry but you need to get rid of him asap before he cleans you out.

OP,.kick him out. Why did you not discuss before he moved in.

Half bills + cost of renting a room in a house share. Get a contact drawn up saying he is your lodger.

Anything less than you are subsidising him, why?

Your council tax has likely gone up by more than the £100 now there is another adult in the house?!

What 16 year old in the real world would want 3 random kids foisted on their home at the weekend?

Not anyone I have ever known, that's for sure. I think it is spectacularly deluded to assert that she is a priority when you have done that.

Every single Saturday and Sunday?.......so every single weekend she has 3 other children and their noise foisted on her in her home, and she loves it?
🙄I really doubt that somehow.

OP, I really hope you rethink this and give some thought to how your daughter will look back on this period in her life.
I think you could be in for a huge shock.

I’d keep him away from the mortgage as I’d not want him to have any claim on my property. However I know that my grocery spend is around £600 per month, and the household bills (council tax, water, gas, leccy, internet) come to just under £500, so I’d expect a contribution much nearer to the £550 mark. £100 is an insult tbh.

Congratulations OP you’ve got yourself a right royal cocklodger! How much was he paying in rent before? And food? And bills? Now he only wants to pay £100 PER MONTH plus half bills? Come on, you know he’s taking the piss. He saw you coming didn’t he?

OP, I must also mention, my 17.5 year old DS, is working full time. He pays us £250 a month ( contribution to utilities). He also buys any expensive food he wants, himself ( steak/ posh chicken) and buys his own toiletries and pays his phone bill. He has no kids ( thankfully!) But £100 is a joke and a half.

Second thoughts charge him rent of a 1 bed property in your area plus half bills and half of food minimum. That would be fairer.

Hi @Dobetter
I hope you had the conversation this eve and that the partner can see your side of this set up.

So far, they have had an easy/free ride but their fallure to put their hand in their pocket and stump up anything near the going rate is shocking. They know they are taking the piss and happy you have been going along with it.

There may be push back but whatever you decide is a fair sum, it is your home and you decide the next step. He may move out but it would cost more than the sum they are proposing. Long pockets, short arms comes to mind. In addition to losing your council tax discount (former single 25% discount), are you losing out on Universal Credit entitlements?

Once upon a time, a cocklodger moved in with me... Didnt see him as that at the time but, before I knew it, he was dropping in after work and having dinner on days we didnt schedule to see each other, making sandwiches for work from items in my fridge/cupboards (never brought so much as a packet of ham or loaf of bread in 6 months). There is more but I wont bore you 😄

Some people are shameless takers - your partner sounds like one - taking advantage of kindness. The current situation is not sustainable. I am curious to ask do you earn around the same amount?

Fingers crossed.you can clear the air and he sees that the current situation is wholly unfair on you x

He isn't treating you with respect or consideration. You shouldn't have to say 'please don't take the piss'.

If I were you, I'd calculate monthly outgoings before the discussion e.g.

gas and electric
water
broadband
tv licence and any tv packages
council tax
food

I'd then issue an ultimatum. I wouldn't fear the result - he either fixes up or gets out.

He needs to be paying for what it costs to have his kids when they stay over, at least a third of the general food costs and then a proportion of the bills with you paying what it costs for you and your DD and something for rent. He should not be paying your mortgage.

Good luck with your discussion which you already know should have taken place before he moved in.

Absolutely no way in hell would I agree to that pittance of a contribution.

You are sharing your home with him so he needs to contribute to that via some form on rent or board- whatever you want to call it.
or he should pay a higher proportion of the bills considering you are paying the mortgage and putting a roof over his head.

Or he can just move straight back out.

He must be saving a fortune in rent living with you and his attitude so far regarding his contribution is not a good sign at all.

To live with you for 3 months and pay nothing is disgusting. As is £100 per month!!
Tell him no, he will pay half or he can go.
He doesn't want to pay your mortgage? No problem, but he needs to pay YOU rent. The options when living anywhere are pay either rent or mortgage, why should he live rent free?

Send him back to his mother!

It's such a cheek, maybe his mother let him get away with it, but I would be asking him to leave as clearly this guy isn't ready to be an adult.

This (above) is an example of 'partnership'. Discussed as 2 mature adults, protecting themselves and each other in case of break up, and both partners benefitting financially.

OP, I'm not sure what part of your relationship constitutes a partnership (although you call him your partner). You are providing a roof over his head and a place for his dc to stsy at weekends. You are gaining what? He isn't even making a fair contribution to the bills.

What is he doing with his money? He's not treating you to meals out, or holidays.

Please reconsider the arrangement urgently, and before he loses his job and is dependent on you and you don't feel able to throw him and his dc out on the street. [You'd not be surprised by how often the scenario plays out like this].