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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to expect someone me effort from older parents/grandparents?

147 replies

shelle07 · 23/09/2025 07:01

My MIL is never happy and very needy. She is absent from our children’s lives yet expects them to go and see her despite her never showing any interest in them. She lacks warmth and love, and only has this for my DH.
She lives in the same village and has never made any effort. The effort has always been 99% us and 1% her. DH spoke to her last week and told her how we are really struggling as a family at the moment and could do with more of her support, if only moral, but all she had was excuses, and they were ridiculous. She is in good health and fully mobile so there is no viable excuse for her lack of effort. He even asked her if she could pop in for coffee now and again to see the grandchildren, instead of him always having to crow bar in time to see her, but she said we don’t invite her. We invite her over for meals, birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Easter, but surely as a busy family we shouldn’t have to ask her just to pop in. She lives half a mile away. She expects us to go above and beyond to accommodate her needs, and prioritise her needs first. When we are together conversation is all about her and she dominates it.

Since DH spoke to her nothing has changed. We can’t get our heads around this. I guess I was hoping that it would be a light bulb moment and she would want to step up and have a more balanced relationship and a better connection with me and her grandchildren, but it seems not. So what is a reasonable expectation of grandparents/older parents these days? Am I being unreasonable to expect an 80 yo woman to make some effort with her family?

OP posts:
AhBiscuits · 23/09/2025 07:03

You really want your MIL to start showing up unannounced? Why?

Meadowfinch · 23/09/2025 07:05

Honestly, yes. At 80, people get very tired very quickly. I know few 80yos who can cope with children for long.

She probably has more formal ideas than you, and will find the change of routine difficult. Also she probably wakes earlier and is tired by the afternoon. I think you need to look elsewhere for some support.

Besides, there are two of you and only one of her. What support are you looking for. Surely not child care by this stage?

DappledThings · 23/09/2025 07:06

It's all a bit vague. I'm not sure what light bulb moment you were expecting when you want her to just be more supportive and less needy. I don't think that's clear to her what that looks like. It isn't clear yo me.

CopperWhite · 23/09/2025 07:07

Is she on her own?

I think you do need to invite her if you want her to come over. Some people just don’t do ‘popping over’ , which is good because lots of us hate people just randomly turning up when they want. You’re saying you want support but you seem to expect her to know what you want and when you want it.

Butchyrestingface · 23/09/2025 07:07

Mother’s Day, and Easter, but surely as a busy family we shouldn’t have to ask her just to pop in

MN is chokka with threads from outraged daughters-in-law apoplectic at anyone turning up at their doorstep without a royal summons.

In any case, if she’s 80, I’d be inclined to give her a break. She’s not a ‘young’ grandparent.

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 07:07

what a lot of brain space you are giving to this woman op

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 07:08

She’s 80 OP, leave her be

SpanThatWorld · 23/09/2025 07:08

You describe a woman with no warmth who wants her own needs prioritised and only talks about herself. It's not entirely clear why you want to see more of her or what benefit you think she'll bring?

My mother brought absolutely nothing to my children's lives and it was entirely positive that she kept her distance from us.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/09/2025 07:08

AhBiscuits · 23/09/2025 07:03

You really want your MIL to start showing up unannounced? Why?

My thought exactly

HoppingPavlova · 23/09/2025 07:08

Firstly, she is 80yo. How much support do you believe an 80yo can give and what do you believe this should look like?

As for her not ‘just popping around’, you say you have very busy lives. Does this mean you are constantly in and out? If so, you want an 80yo to pop round on the chance you might be in, and too bad if not?

MayaPinion · 23/09/2025 07:09

I thought you were going to say she was in her late 50s. She’s 80, so your DH is probably in his 40-50s and your kids are teens/young adults? Do they really want to spend time with their grandmother? What do you need her for?

Ellie1015 · 23/09/2025 07:09

Many people dont want visitors to pop in. If you want her over more and she needs an invite then invite her over at other times apart from Christmas/mothers day etc.

crunchylamp · 23/09/2025 07:11

At 80 years old - she's not going to have a personality transplant at this stage.

Unacceptableinthe80s · 23/09/2025 07:11

She's 80! Normally by that age it's adult children helping their elderly parents, not the other way round. Is you partner much older than you? That's quite elderly to have young grandchildren. It's not really clear what you expect her to do for you.

Namenamchange · 23/09/2025 07:12

I was all for thinking she was being unreasonable until I read that she is 80. 80, that’s really quite old, I think you and your dh need a bit of a lightbulb moment yourselves.

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 07:12

Your kids OP… teenagers?

Bananamanananana · 23/09/2025 07:12

The woman is 80.

What have you been doing for the last 20/30 however many years to make sure she feels welcome to just pop in?

Also. What about FIL? Is he still alive?

and to that. What about your own parents?

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 07:13

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herbalteabag · 23/09/2025 07:14

Perhaps she doesn't want to pop round unannounced because she doesn't know if it's convenient and assumes you're busy? I've never had family living close enough for that, but I don't think my mum of a similar age would do that either. It would be more likely we'd message or call each other and make proper plans to do something.

Also, when my mum, or anyone else, does come to the house it is purely to see us, not to help us.

Showerflowers · 23/09/2025 07:14

I have a mil in her 80’s and she’s still having Sil offload her problems on her. Mil can’t do anything but listen and give advice. It’s lovely that she can do this for Sil. But honestly poor mil is then left in a constant state of worry for Sil and it really affects her mental health.

im really hoping that when I’m in my 80’s that my dc would be kind enough not to lean on me this way.

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 07:15

Bloody hell.., op started another thread about her mil not making sufficient effort in her opinion 6 months ago…

leave the poor woman be OP!!!

DashboardConfession · 23/09/2025 07:17

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Yep. It was the subtle mention that they are "struggling".

Fleur405 · 23/09/2025 07:17

She’s 80 years old! She’s set in her ways and having a go at her is not going to instantaneously turn her into a cake baking cuddle giving rosy cheeked granny from a story book.

YABVU

PussInBin20 · 23/09/2025 07:18

She’s 80 FGS. What do you expect from her really? Come on. Also people that age do seem to be a bit self absorbed but I think that is normal. It’s just what happens when your world becomes smaller.

SoScarletItWas · 23/09/2025 07:22

I don’t understand what you want her to do.

If you’re having to issue formal invites to ‘crow bar time in’ - is that her busy schedule you are crow barring time into, or yours as ‘a busy family’? It sounds contradictory that you’re busy but want her to pop in. Surely the GC will be at school or you’ll be at work or otherwise busy on the random time she tries to pop in?

What ‘support’ do you want? If you haven’t been clear with her (because it is not clear from your post) then you can’t blame her for not giving it.

And she is 80. My mother is 80. She’s fit and active but needs much more rest after a social evening or afternoon out than even five years ago. She just wouldn’t be up to walking half a mile across the village on the off chance you were all in / not busy.