Is it unreasonable to expect someone me effort from older parents/grandparents?

[shelle07]

My MIL is never happy and very needy. She is absent from our children’s lives yet expects them to go and see her despite her never showing any interest in them. She lacks warmth and love, and only has this for my DH.
She lives in the same village and has never made any effort. The effort has always been 99% us and 1% her. DH spoke to her last week and told her how we are really struggling as a family at the moment and could do with more of her support, if only moral, but all she had was excuses, and they were ridiculous. She is in good health and fully mobile so there is no viable excuse for her lack of effort. He even asked her if she could pop in for coffee now and again to see the grandchildren, instead of him always having to crow bar in time to see her, but she said we don’t invite her. We invite her over for meals, birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Easter, but surely as a busy family we shouldn’t have to ask her just to pop in. She lives half a mile away. She expects us to go above and beyond to accommodate her needs, and prioritise her needs first. When we are together conversation is all about her and she dominates it.

Since DH spoke to her nothing has changed. We can’t get our heads around this. I guess I was hoping that it would be a light bulb moment and she would want to step up and have a more balanced relationship and a better connection with me and her grandchildren, but it seems not. So what is a reasonable expectation of grandparents/older parents these days? Am I being unreasonable to expect an 80 yo woman to make some effort with her family?

“Better connection” “balanced relationship”

you come across as self centred as you accuse her of being

you show little awareness for the reality of being an 80 year old living alone - one who possibly finds your way of talking rather strange and unrelatable

I do t really understand why moral support needs her to pop round rather than talk on the phone but it’s not at all clear what you need support for ? To say “
oh it’s so hard for you I” or “ oh I remember how hard this is “ ? Needy or relating ?

I’m unclear what support “if only moral” she could usefully offer you and she probably is well. If you have a specific question for her, you need to ask it. She probably doesn’t know what you want either. Use your words.
Also, some people are just not “popping in” types. This can be especially true of older people. They like a specific invitation, so ask - would you like to come for tea once a week, or lunch or Sundays.
My mother is about to turn 80 and has never been interested in my children. I’ve realised it’s not personal though. She’s not especially interested in anyone or anything that doesn’t specifically centre her. And she certainly can’t infer what I actually want unless I am very clear. You cannot change an 80 year old

Ah seriously . You want the 80 year to offer more support. It's normally the other way round at this stage.

If she lives on her own with not much opportunity to get to socialise and has health problems it will be the only thing she will talk about. People with busy lives have more to converse about.

What "moral support" do you need from her?
Is this about money?

She’s 80, she’s not going to change now. You can only change your expectations towards her.

She's 80! Yes you are being unreasonable l. My mum is 80. Yes she needs extra support not the other way around. Im pretty sure you'd not be so petty if it was your own mum.

She’s 80.

at that age, yes, sorry you are being unreasonable.

80 year olds are not going to be babysitting or looking after young children (or at least the vast majority of them are not).

by that age most parents are at the point where you are looking after them!

Since DH spoke to her nothing has changed. We can’t get our heads around this.

Why? People don't tend to fundamentally change who they are, especially at such an advanced age.
She must feel content with the level of contact.

If someone told me to enter their property any time I would assume they were saying it out of politeness, not as a real want. Does anyone really want their spouse's parents just appearing at their house?

I hope I will be like my parents when I am 80. They live further away but make the effort to travel to us as it is tricky for us to visit them (with work, DC activities etc), are fit and healthy and enjoy walks/days out with us and play with the DC a bit and always offer to help out with things like cooking or gardening. They had me late and I had my DC late so DC are still young. I wouldn't get them to do childcare though they did previously babysit occasionally when DC were in bed. What would you like to happen OP? Can you just let your DH manage her and not think about it?

Purely looking for moral support and understanding. Our kids are teens so don’t need looking after, and she has never done this anyway. Would just love her to show some interest in us, and how we are doing, and want to listen when we need it.

Never had any money and would never expect any.
By support I mean somebody who shows interest in our lives. Phones us, messages us, wants to see us. It has never been like this for us, but more recently we have had a really tough time with a serious illness and mental health, and we could do with a caring listening ear. Maybe some sympathy.

I guess when you are so used to getting nothing, you will take anything.

Your husband cannot expect her to completely change who she is. She's never been interested and doesn't want to see any of you (as you've said in your most recent post)

Believe her. Follow her wants and do not message or visit.

I'd not expect much from anyone who is 80 year old.

What exactly where you expecting from this:
DH spoke to her last week and told her how we are really struggling as a family at the moment and could do with more of her support, if only moral, but all she had was excuses, and they were ridiculous.

She's 80 were you expecting her to take kids for the day? or were you after something financial?

Moral support and sympathy is probably an alien concept to a person who grew up post war where just getting on with living took up all their energy -

but here you are

ah poor you

No we are just looking for some understanding, a listening ear, and maybe some parental guidance now and again. Just a parent really, and some one who is interested in our lives. For it not be all about us running after her all of the time, even when we are sinking.

No need to be nasty.

"DH spoke to her last week and told her how we are really struggling as a family at the moment and could do with more of her support, if only moral, but all she had was excuses, and they were ridiculous. She is in good health and fully mobile so there is no viable excuse for her lack of effort."

Where is the missing piece, OP? Nobody needs to be "healthy and fully mobile" to give moral support. Go on to the phrase "no viable excuse for her lack of effort" and* *it seems clear that your DH asked her for something and she said No, and you think she's being totally unreasonable.

Why did you hide what he asked for? My guess is, you want her to be more pro-active in calling round at your place so she's there between the kids coming back from school, and when you and DH get home.

If I'm right, of course you're being unreasonable, both to ask her to do it and to get so annoyed that she won't. She is eighty years old. Respect her age even if you don't like her as a person.

No you're not looking for "just" that

If you can't even be honest, then what's the point in posting ?

given that we are dealing with cancer treatment, and one child is missing school because of mental health issues, we were hoping for her understanding that we cannot come to her beck and call all of the time, and we could really do with making some effort if she wants to see us. She never phoned or messages. The effort is always ours, and frankly with all we are dealing with I don’t think it is a lot to ask a parent to be there for their children when they ask for it and show some love and give them a hug now and again. Support as in understanding. Support as in sympathy. Support as in talking to her grandchildren and showing an interest in their lives, given our circumstances.

But if she’s never done it, why would you suddenly expect her to change and do it now? She won’t. So unfortunately you need to adjust your level of expectation.

I’m sorry you’re going through this but do you really think someone in their 80s is going to change now? You know who she is. I mean this kindly but stop upsetting yourself by expecting anything different. You’ll feel better for it.

YAB unrealistic to expect a woman of 80, who has never made effort with her family to suddenly have a change in personality. She has made it clear to you that she doesn't care about you much. Unfortunately, she doesn't sound like a caring, loving person who will support you during hard times.
The thing that you need to change is your behaviour towards her. Why are you making so much effort to call and spend time with someone who doesn't care about you, even when you are struggling. Leave her to her own life and concentrate on getting better and helping your unwell teen. She has made her bed and needs to lie on it in future.