Is it unreasonable to expect someone me effort from older parents/grandparents?

[shelle07]

My MIL is never happy and very needy. She is absent from our children’s lives yet expects them to go and see her despite her never showing any interest in them. She lacks warmth and love, and only has this for my DH.
She lives in the same village and has never made any effort. The effort has always been 99% us and 1% her. DH spoke to her last week and told her how we are really struggling as a family at the moment and could do with more of her support, if only moral, but all she had was excuses, and they were ridiculous. She is in good health and fully mobile so there is no viable excuse for her lack of effort. He even asked her if she could pop in for coffee now and again to see the grandchildren, instead of him always having to crow bar in time to see her, but she said we don’t invite her. We invite her over for meals, birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Easter, but surely as a busy family we shouldn’t have to ask her just to pop in. She lives half a mile away. She expects us to go above and beyond to accommodate her needs, and prioritise her needs first. When we are together conversation is all about her and she dominates it.

Since DH spoke to her nothing has changed. We can’t get our heads around this. I guess I was hoping that it would be a light bulb moment and she would want to step up and have a more balanced relationship and a better connection with me and her grandchildren, but it seems not. So what is a reasonable expectation of grandparents/older parents these days? Am I being unreasonable to expect an 80 yo woman to make some effort with her family?

I think this says more about you than me.

It sounds like you don't really like her but you want to use her for childcare.

Unfortunately she doesn't want to be a babysitter as she's done with that for life. She quite reasonably might not want to travel much and wants to spend her later years doing things just for her.

You say the only person she has love for is her son. Well maybe she senses that you're not fond of her. She doesn't owe you anything.

If you think your visits to her are not being adequately reciprocated then just don't visit as often.

Try reading what @shelle07 has written before making silly comments. She has said that the DC are teenagers and don't need babysitting.

So you want her to be your sounding board?
No, you need to look elsewhere for that. That's what friends are for surely?.
There sadly comes a certain point when you can no longer go to your parents with your worries because they can't cope.
I don't think you're showing any understanding of old age. As pp says they're concentrating on staying alive at this point and there's not much room for anything else. Most people I know in this age range become self absorbed, their world becomes very small.
I haven't been able to burden my parents with my problems for a good 10 years now. If I told them my teen was unwell they wouldn't sleep with worry etc. It is what it is. They are on a serious information diet for their own good. They burden me now with all their worries.

Maybe not, but then why does OP need the MIL to be so much more involved if it's not to help with the kids?

She is 80 so give her a break, things are different from her generation. They tend to wait to be invited and wouldn't pop in. You could ring her and invite her over one Friday or Sunday for tea/lunch?

My kids are teenagers. We have a lot going on. She’s in good health. I wish she’d just be a bit more understanding that we have our plates full and instead of complaining all the time, try to understands. We don’t need anything from her. I guess we were just hoping for some concern from her and care. Just the usual parenting emotional support.
you are very lucky to have such loving parents. She is all we have. We are trying our best, but now that we have more to navigate it is getting harder and we could do with her picking up the phone, or making arrangements, just showing she cares emotionally.

Invite her over more regularly or pop in to see her if she doesn't mind that.

Of course this is more DH's responsibility than yours, but I like my PILs who are both 81 so I do make the effort too.

As I said in my op we invite her over for meals and other main events, and DH goes to see her every week. The effort is 99% ours. She doesn’t even phone or text to see how we are. It would just be nice if she made a little effort.

Sounds very difficult OP.
But she is who she is for a long time.
Be glad that hopefully you will only have to match her energy in future.
Focus your energy on yourselves.

Look, if she’s not done this so far, she’s not going to change at her age. And as others have said there has been a bit of a cultural shift, older people probably won’t really understand the “talk it out” culture now, she will have likely been brought up with a “stiff upper lip and get on with it” mindset. Plus as people age their world gets smaller, they tend to focus on more immediate issues and often don’t have capacity to try to take on other people’s problems (my gran saw so many of her close family and friends die before 80 I think she was just burnt out). She may also have some memory loss, social skills can start to change and/ or she’s just not comfortable with that type of relationship. Fine to pop in for a cup of tea and a chat but don’t expect much more than that or for her to take the initiative.

In short you are expecting too much and she’s not going to change.

Op, she’s well into the stage where the parenting relationship is reversed and you are emotionally looking after her.

i do understand how difficult it is - my mother is 80 and has very little understanding of modern life. I also have a young adult DD who is seriously ill with MH issues and my mother has zero sympathy and says I should chuck her out on the streets.

my mother also has serious anxiety post covid and struggles to travel or go anywhere and I get phone calls on a regular basis that her phone’s not working or she’s forgotten how to use the TV remote or the loo is broken and can I sort a plumber.

honestly, these days I give emotional support to both my young adult child and my elderly mother.

she used to be capable of some level of emotional support (not much admittedly). Not anymore.

it’s called the sandwich generation for a reason.

But equally, it is fine for you (or perhaps better your DH) to say that you can’t do x or y exactly when she wants you to, or quite bluntly change the subject if you’ve had enough of a particular topic, or she’s moaning.

Again my grandad used to get obsessed with trivial things and bang on about them endlessly (wasps, roads, sometimes stuff like post being delivered late). I’d either make my excuses and leave after a polite interval, put the TV on or very deliberately change the subject. That’s about handling the relationship when they get older though, it’s not realistic to expect her to support you but you can have your own boundaries.

No we are just looking for some understanding, a listening ear, and maybe some parental guidance now and again

If you are the age where you have an 80yo parent, something has gone very wrong if you need parental guidance from them!

I find, at that age (80’s), the kids are the ones starting to provide gentle guidance, not the other way. I think you are expecting too much of an 80yo. Also, they are of the generation where you just get on with it and march on. If I had of gone on to my 80yo mother she would have just given a tut tut and said something to the effect of ‘that’s no good, just best to get on with it and make the best of it’ or similar, and that would have been the end of the conversation. She was a loving woman, that generation just didn’t tend to tolerate life drama.

Why don't you just read what she has written. It's clear from the posts. Not everyone who wants a good relationship with their mother or in laws expects or wants free childcare you know? Why would you assume that they do?

She isn't going to make an effort though. She has shown you who she is. You need to reduce the amount of effort that you make and concentrate on your own, immediate family.

My mil was barely 50. Never once text about her premature dgs.

You can't force family on people.. But dh needs to be less available.. He must be run ragged...
She simply isn't bothered..
Time to let it go.
Mil hasn't seen our dc for over 10 years. Her choice.

But it's not nasty. Your MIL is of the age where any hardships or problems were just got on with because that's the way it used to be. Maybe she's wondering what all the fuss is about.

YANBU to wish things were different, but they're not going to be - people don't change at 80.

You can't change her behaviour, you can only change your own. If you don't want to dance attendance on her, don't. Because she expects you to prioritise her doesn't mean you have to do so. Tell the teens it's up to them when / if they visit - they're old enough and she's close enough that they can walk - and leave them to manage their own relationship. And have a plan for when MIL needs care (closer than you think, probably) - this is the sort of set-up where the DIL ends up doing it all.

You do sound a bit unusually desperate for her warmth / love / interest, given that she's not your mother. Is your mum dead / far away / cold? It's not U to want someone to mother you a bit when times are tough. But she clearly is just not that type of woman. Don't waste time or mental energy hoping she will be. Decide how much time / effort / energy you're prepared to devote to her, stick to it, and try not to think about her any more than that.

If she wanted to make more effort, she would.

Stop expecting her to change, because she won’t. She’s elderly and set in her ways now. You’d both be happier if you accepted her as she is, instead of how you want her to be. Stop expecting anything more from her and you won’t be disappointed.

Thank you. You are so right. It’s tough being the sandwich generation. They’re not going to change. We can only do what we can do.
As someone else said I need to prioritise my only family. At the end of the day our kids still depend on us and have their own needs. At least she is still capable and in good health. We will just have to cut down on what we do for her until we can manage better. Her daughter will just have to step up instead. I think the problem here is that we are burning out and were looking for some understanding from her, but clearly we are not going to get it.

Stop inviting her and have a great Christmas.. Her choice no to be with you at the so called family time.

Oh please. My parents and PIL range from 73 to 80. All of them had shitty parents in their own way and were emotionally neglected to different degrees. FIL was born during the end days of the war while his father was still on active service.

But all of them are completely interested and supportive of their DC and DGC. They've been completely understanding and empathetic when DH has recently been off long-term with stress.

This woman is just not someone who is interested in her family. Claiming that is because she's a product of rationing is ridiculous.

No, it's a bit late now for change.
Reduce the visits to her, if it is too much, why are you looking for family support?