Is it unreasonable to expect someone me effort from older parents/grandparents?

[shelle07]

My MIL is never happy and very needy. She is absent from our children’s lives yet expects them to go and see her despite her never showing any interest in them. She lacks warmth and love, and only has this for my DH.
She lives in the same village and has never made any effort. The effort has always been 99% us and 1% her. DH spoke to her last week and told her how we are really struggling as a family at the moment and could do with more of her support, if only moral, but all she had was excuses, and they were ridiculous. She is in good health and fully mobile so there is no viable excuse for her lack of effort. He even asked her if she could pop in for coffee now and again to see the grandchildren, instead of him always having to crow bar in time to see her, but she said we don’t invite her. We invite her over for meals, birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Easter, but surely as a busy family we shouldn’t have to ask her just to pop in. She lives half a mile away. She expects us to go above and beyond to accommodate her needs, and prioritise her needs first. When we are together conversation is all about her and she dominates it.

Since DH spoke to her nothing has changed. We can’t get our heads around this. I guess I was hoping that it would be a light bulb moment and she would want to step up and have a more balanced relationship and a better connection with me and her grandchildren, but it seems not. So what is a reasonable expectation of grandparents/older parents these days? Am I being unreasonable to expect an 80 yo woman to make some effort with her family?

OP, when you are 80, you hear a lot about friends having serious illnesses, losing their spouses and people dying.

The last thing they need to hear about from their children is illness. They already have quite enough of that to cope with. Imagine how depressing and frightening that must be at 80

If you are looking for support with health issues, you need to look for support from your own age group or younger.

It sounds like you’ve been through l, and are going through, a really tough time. I’m really sorry. Do you have other people you can speak to/get support? I think you’re focusing too much on this 80 year old woman who for whatever reason cannot give you what you need. I also think the reality of what have in mind is not as good as you imagine. Your MIL just popping round could get annoying. Mothers often offer sympathy but also unwanted advice. If she contacted you re meeting up, if you guys are so busy then it likely would be you saying we’ve got a lot on but let me see when we can see you ie back to what it is now. If it’s hard to go every week, then don’t. Families are tricky things and when times are tough are not always the help we might want them to be, although not through ill intent. I’d focus on looking for support elsewhere. Best wishes

Do you have family? Friends?

why is one person who you clearly don’t like very much SO very important to you op?

🙄

dont be such a drama llama

You have started a few threads about how peeved you are that your MIL doesn’t make the effort you think she should.

It is a little peculiar OP tbh

She’s 80! How old is your DH and why does he, as a possibly 50+ year old adult himself, need parental guidance? If my DDs want ‘advice’, they will phone me, call round or send me a text. They don’t wait for me to ask “do you need any parental advice dear?”

You seem very needy. At their age, it’s you who should be looking out for her, not the other way round. In the past couple of years both DH and I have had cancer twice each, we both work full time and have teenagers, one with significant problems after a violent assault. But I still travel a 500-mile round trip once a month to see my elderly parents and help them out. You don’t seem to realise that the parent-child roles reverse. It was a bit of a shock to me too when I realised.

If you read my op we do everything for her and the effort is 99% us and 1% her. Not sure how that makes me needy??

So your parents don’t ever come to see you, despite your illness etc? Why not?

Cross posted when I read further

Exactly. I don’t know why. She doesn’t make effort with my SIL either who lives further away. I suspect she has no will really to be a part of all of our lives and she’s not interested in having relationships with us all. Maybe this is what I’m struggling with.

I'm mid 70s with a son, DIL and teenage GD. I love them all dearly but find it difficult to get the balance right between being a caring, loving granny and feeling their lives are so busy that they might find I'm a nuisance (they've done nothing to indicate this but I'm well-versed in what MNetters think of MILs!). Both adults work full time in demanding jobs and GD has a lovely boyfriend so weekends are precious to them. I compromise my feelings by texting each of them every now and then and, every few weeks, suggest meeting up. Sometimes they'll take the initiative and invite me and I find myself saying....but you're all so busy! We get on fine, see each other about every 5/6 weeks (which seems to work for them though I'd love to see them more often). Long post just to say....it isn't easy being a granny/in-law!

I'm surprised at the very many unsympathetic and some downright horrible replies to this thread!
I sympathise with you OP, you are simply looking for a bit more emotional support and effort from your MIL, which is completely reasonable. She sounds totally self absorbed and selfish. She could easily ring or try to visit you more and offer some tea and sympathy and kind words to you, DH and DGC. Like families are supposed to do! It is not about childcare like some posters are insisting. I know what this is like. To have a parent so disinterested in your troubles and make no effort to see you, and just want to focus on talking about themselves and having you tend to their demands, and needs. It is hurtful. Know that you deserve better.

I’m asking about YOUR parents. You say you travel 500 miles to visit your “elderly parents” (why are they elderly but MIL isn’t) - do your parents not bother to visit you?

Next time you out the kettle on just text her and ask if she wants to pop in?

I don't think the replies have been horrible particularly, they are all saying the same thing.

No one can expect another person to completely change who they are, especially when that person doesn't want to.

Expecting/wanting things from someone despite knowing for fact that they are not interested is only ever going to end in frustration.

You’re just very different- she wants to be invited, plus she’s 80! Op my mum at 77 is a world away from what she was 10 years ago and kids are exhausting!! I’d say just let dh drop up to her and invite her down to yours for tea and cake then your kids will love her being about just for the cake!

My MIL at 78 has joined two theatrical groups, performs regularly, and thinks nothing of a 400 mile round trip on a weekend or a solo trip abroad. She takes no medications at all.

She helps with school runs, attends school performances, takes the kids out for activities, helps with homework etc.

My mum at the same age was very disabled with a massive amount of care in the home and regular respite stays. She took so many medications she rattled. She was very dependent and had no interest in the lives of her children or grandchildren.

People are very different and they don’t change at this age. Draw your boundaries on what support you can offer her and stop pouring attention in to a bottomless pit

i think you are getting mixed up with other posters’ comments. I never said I travel 500 miles. Unfortunately we only have my MIL still with us and no other parents.

Apologies, you’re right, mixed you up with another poster.

shelle07 You responded to questions from others about the kind of support you wanted from your MIL while I was composing my earlier post.

I assumed you needed childcare because you mentioned your mother-in-law being fully mobile and in good health and there being no viable excuse for her lack of effort. When I went back to the thread, I saw you said your children are teens so I apologise for jumping to that conclusion.

Since then I've found two other posts from you about this same topic, (February and March this year as well as now).

Your DH asked his Mum to be more empathetic to the current situation in your family, with sickness and mental health, and that you both need her to show she cares, to pick up the phone and call you, and make arrangements for visits herself, but she made excuses why she can't.

However, you also mentioned your parents in the earlier post and now say MIL is the only grandparent left, so perhaps if you have lost them, you are grieving and seeking comfort from her, when she's clearly not that kind of person.

Maybe you and DH should start cutting that 99% effort to 50% so you're not burned out. Give yourselves a break. She is 80 but mobile and compos mentis. If she complains, well, sorry Mum, we're busy, but you know you're welcome to come here.

This is the response I anticipated when I read your post. Sometimes grandparents can’t win.
It does sound as though your MIL is self centred though.

She’s 80 years old. In my experience there are many 80 year olds who behave this way. Half a mile away becomes a hundred miles away at that age.