Is it unreasonable to expect someone me effort from older parents/grandparents?

[shelle07]

My MIL is never happy and very needy. She is absent from our children’s lives yet expects them to go and see her despite her never showing any interest in them. She lacks warmth and love, and only has this for my DH.
She lives in the same village and has never made any effort. The effort has always been 99% us and 1% her. DH spoke to her last week and told her how we are really struggling as a family at the moment and could do with more of her support, if only moral, but all she had was excuses, and they were ridiculous. She is in good health and fully mobile so there is no viable excuse for her lack of effort. He even asked her if she could pop in for coffee now and again to see the grandchildren, instead of him always having to crow bar in time to see her, but she said we don’t invite her. We invite her over for meals, birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Easter, but surely as a busy family we shouldn’t have to ask her just to pop in. She lives half a mile away. She expects us to go above and beyond to accommodate her needs, and prioritise her needs first. When we are together conversation is all about her and she dominates it.

Since DH spoke to her nothing has changed. We can’t get our heads around this. I guess I was hoping that it would be a light bulb moment and she would want to step up and have a more balanced relationship and a better connection with me and her grandchildren, but it seems not. So what is a reasonable expectation of grandparents/older parents these days? Am I being unreasonable to expect an 80 yo woman to make some effort with her family?

Having read today's posts, I've changed my feelings on this, @shelle07 .

You just want someone to care about you and your family, don't you? And that's absolutely reasonable when your parents are no longer with you, and MIL is your only family.

We all need to feel that we're an emotional priority to someone. That there's a family member that we can turn to and will always have the time to listen, because we're important to them. It must be sad for you and your DH that you don't have that.

If this women is as you describe her why would you want her in your lives more? At 80 her parental duties are long over, so to expect her to provide intense emotional support is unreasonable. You mentioned that you and DH are expected to run around after her but also that he visits her weekly which doesn't seem like a huge burden when she lives only a mile away.

YANBU but you are unrealistic that she will change. If she is fit and well reduce what you do for her, be that practically or emotionally. Take the time and energy for yourselves and look elsewhere for support. I hope you have good friends?

This concentrate on your family and getting better if she doesn't understand too bad.

For god’s sake! Don’t you think someone at 80 deserves to be taken care of a bit? She’s not there to run about after you at that age and deserves little consideration - you should be popping in to see her. Not all 80 year olds are set in their ways either; some are still very active and actually go to a gym!! Just be kind and think about her needs occasionally instead of yours.

I did read it. You want an elderly woman to support you. You said as much yourself.

What kind of support do you expect from an 80 year old? WTF. That's some fucking entitlement there.

It should be the reverse. She's in the latter part of her life.

Have you ever thought she doesn't call or text because she knows you're a busy family and doesn't want to interrupt? Or she waits for you guys to do it because that's when you're free? Or she expects you guys to call first because she's old and that's how it used to be done?

She likely talks about herself because that's what she has left.

You're being really self centered here. This is all about you.

She is 80. You said yourself, she has always been like this, so why do you think she will change?

If it makes it easier for you, stop making as much effort towards her. But I think at this age it’s standard.

Are you getting counselling for what you are going through? It’s something that could help.

Maybe take her out yourself for a coffee (while your husband watches the kids) and talk to her? Some MILS seem to be scared of their DILS, and feel it's not their place to ask about seeing the grandkids. If she's as old as you say, she might have been used to the mum of the house making all the decisions about family activities, which I know might seem weird to most mums today as we often work as much or more than men.

For goodness sake, read OP updates. They support MIL practically, constantly. OP has said that they do everything for her, they invite her frequently, and she's visited at her house every week.

OP and her DH are looking for some interest from her, and for her to show that she cares about them. That's all.

My MIL showed an interest in us all, even when she had dementia. She didn't know our names but she knew she loved us.

My aunt is 96 and still asks about our lives, listens to our worries and cares about us. Age doesn't stop us showing an interest in, and care for, our children and grandchildren.

I had a mother like OP 's MIL. They don't change, and it's not about age. My mum was the same as soon as I left home.

When OP uses the word support, she means care, interest, and someone who'll listen.

I think if you wanted more support from her you should have asked 10-15 years ago. She is 80. She will likely tire easily and not have stamina. My MiL who is 84 likes to think she's still fine but we know she is getting frail and sleeps for 2 hours every afternoon now. She would never admit this but we know.

Exactly this.

100% this

Yes - but as everyone keeps telling you, at 80 she is not going to change so it’s fruitless to expect her to.

Why are you expecting someone to change because you told them to? It's hard enough for people to change themselves even when they are motivated.

I'm not 80 nor a grandparent yet but I wouldn't be happy with demands made on me. Requests, maybe.

She has never provided any support or guidance

She is now on her own and 80

and yet her DIL continues to start multiple threads about her not guiding and supporting her.

OP, you must have known the woman for…a couple of decades by now? I think the time has come to be at peace with fact that this aged woman isn’t going to be the guiding support you’d have liked her to be

So you have made a decision people have to be what you think they should be and if they are not you have to keep at it till they do what you want?

Sounds odd

Im.so sorry you are having such a bad time OP . You are however BVU thinking that a historically selfish, unsupportive, self absorbed woman is going to have a lightbulb moment aged 80. It is what it is, YANBU for wanting it, but you clearly are not going to get it from her.

I am getting to the 80s and finding a happy medium isn't easy. You haven't mentioned how things were when/if there was a FIL involved. Did you ever feel her disinterest could have been a pure MIL jealousy thing ?