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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to expect someone me effort from older parents/grandparents?

147 replies

shelle07 · 23/09/2025 07:01

My MIL is never happy and very needy. She is absent from our children’s lives yet expects them to go and see her despite her never showing any interest in them. She lacks warmth and love, and only has this for my DH.
She lives in the same village and has never made any effort. The effort has always been 99% us and 1% her. DH spoke to her last week and told her how we are really struggling as a family at the moment and could do with more of her support, if only moral, but all she had was excuses, and they were ridiculous. She is in good health and fully mobile so there is no viable excuse for her lack of effort. He even asked her if she could pop in for coffee now and again to see the grandchildren, instead of him always having to crow bar in time to see her, but she said we don’t invite her. We invite her over for meals, birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Easter, but surely as a busy family we shouldn’t have to ask her just to pop in. She lives half a mile away. She expects us to go above and beyond to accommodate her needs, and prioritise her needs first. When we are together conversation is all about her and she dominates it.

Since DH spoke to her nothing has changed. We can’t get our heads around this. I guess I was hoping that it would be a light bulb moment and she would want to step up and have a more balanced relationship and a better connection with me and her grandchildren, but it seems not. So what is a reasonable expectation of grandparents/older parents these days? Am I being unreasonable to expect an 80 yo woman to make some effort with her family?

OP posts:
Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 07:24

@SoScarletItWas

I don’t understand what you want her to do.

Money

saraclara · 23/09/2025 07:38

I never pop in on my daughters. They're busy and I don't want to intrude. We have a good relationship, but I don't want to inconvenience them. If they invite me, I'm there like a shot!

KnitKnitKnitting · 23/09/2025 07:38

It does sound like you’re expecting her to change her personality, which is highly unlikely at 80! I’d suggest you’re better off just figuring out how to continue with her as she is, whether that involves putting more effort in or less.

Do you invite her to pop round for a coffee? A phone call one evening to say would she like to pop round the next morning? I hate popping in to people “on the off chance” and I hate them doing it to me, so I’m a bit with her on that. But I think perhaps what you actually want is just a less formal hosting/visiting schedule.

Seeyouincourtyoufool · 23/09/2025 07:41

You describe a woman with no warmth who wants her own needs prioritised and only talks about herself. It's not entirely clear why you want to see more of her or what benefit you think she'll bring?

This is perfectly put. Count your blessings she stays away, sounds like you don't like her very much anyway (described as needy and never happy) so why on earth would you want to see more of her?!

beready2025 · 23/09/2025 07:43

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clarrylove · 23/09/2025 07:43

Aren't the children out at school during the day? When are you hoping for her to pop in?

Unacceptableinthe80s · 23/09/2025 07:44

Your children are older teens, not children at all which makes this post even weirder. Must be money as I can't imagine what you expect an 80 year old to do for your older teens? My 17 year old visits his elderly grandparents every week off his own back and helps them with little jobs around the house and garden that they struggle to do. You all should be helping her, not the other way around.

Seeline · 23/09/2025 07:52

If you're at work all day are you expecting an 80 year old to pop round in the evening?
Many older people don't like going out in the evenings. Or do you invite her to dinner and take her home afterwards?
What support are you wanting - her to sit and make sure your 17 yo does his homework?

beready2025 · 23/09/2025 07:53

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beAsensible1 · 23/09/2025 07:56

she was probably hoping you’d have it figured out by now.

i think you are not being clear on what support you want. Or do you mean by asking less of you?

Ddakji · 23/09/2025 07:56

There’s something about the phrase “as a busy family” that really grinds my gears, as though there’s superiority in that. I mean, she’s not busy, she doesn’t have a family, right?

Maybe you think you make time for her when in fact you just throw her scraps, because you’re so busy? And she knows it?

NannyOggsScones · 23/09/2025 07:58

You’re getting some very harsh responses OP. I understand where you are coming from. My DM is very similar but she was like this as a parent so no surprise she’s like it as an adult. We used to have her round for lunch every Sunday, then we did every festive occasion (Xmas, new years Easter, Mother’s Day, birthday etc etc) and take her away with us on holiday. She’s fit and well and in her early 80s. She plays golf three times a week, drives and goes on very adventurous holidays with friends. In the last 2 years she has asked us round for lunch once. I’ve dropped the rope as it suddenly occurred to me she couldn’t give a shit. I’m not interested in the money as I have my own I’m just sad she doesn’t want any relationship with us unless we do 99% of the work. Ultimately it’s just the rejection I felt as a child magnified. Was your MIL a distant parent to your DH? She won’t change.

Enigma54 · 23/09/2025 08:02

How old are your kids? I’m guessing not baby or toddler age? What do you want Mil to do exactly??

beready2025 · 23/09/2025 08:05

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Enigma54 · 23/09/2025 08:08

Well yes. Good luck with that one OP!

Pepperlee · 23/09/2025 08:08

MayaPinion · 23/09/2025 07:09

I thought you were going to say she was in her late 50s. She’s 80, so your DH is probably in his 40-50s and your kids are teens/young adults? Do they really want to spend time with their grandmother? What do you need her for?

My thoughts too. I'm 76 and my grandchildren call on me now whenever like. I can't see any babysitting being needed from this woman.

rookiemere · 23/09/2025 08:10

My DPs - well DM to be precise - used to be interested in our family, looked after DS a bit when he was young and asked about things.
With her it was like a switch flicked when she was late 70s and suddenly her only interest was her own and others ailments. It stung a lot at the time, but now I am used to it. They are mildly interested in DS, like it when he comes to visit.

I think it’s a self preservation thing. With my DM all her focus is now on keeping herself and DF alive. I don’t know if it’s a common thing.

Strawberrysummer25 · 23/09/2025 08:11

I was going to say that you were not unreasonable until I saw she was 80, rather than the late 50s / early 60s I was expecting. What are you wanting her to support you with? Do you really expect an 80 yr old to help you around the house / gardening/ childcare? You are very unreasonable.

Endofyear · 23/09/2025 08:12

She's 80, she's probably tired and more comfortable in her own home! How old are your children? My mum is in her 80s and she lives near me - I pop in and see her several times a week and so do my adult sons who live in the same town. They don't expect their Gran to go and see them, they're happy to make the effort to go and see her! I hope your children and grandchildren are more considerate than you and your husband when you are 80!

Heronwatcher · 23/09/2025 08:14

What are you expecting? How is her “popping in” going to support you?

If you’re either after childcare, money or your house resembles a war zone every evening this might be the reason why!

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, if you are just lonely I think I’d focus on local groups etc.

With an 80 yr old woman I don’t think I would be expecting her to come to you no, she’ll value her peace and might feel like a fish out of water. I’d probably pop in with the kids to hers, but I probably wouldn’t be expecting to do so more than once a week unless she needed help.

TBH the best support she can probably give your family is managing her own life independently which it sounds like she’s already doing.

Crunchienuts · 23/09/2025 08:17

It seems like this is 20 years too late. She’s 80, she is not going to change now!

Bestfootforward11 · 23/09/2025 08:17

I think there must be more to this as it is not that clear to me. My first thought is she is 80 years old! My parents are around that age and I don’t expect them to come to me, I go to them or bring them over. My mum can talk for ages and not ask many questions but I think she is lonely and just wants to speak. Even if they lived nearby they wouldn’t just pop round because they wouldn’t want to intrude. I wouldn’t mind them doing that but that’s how they see things. They don’t play that much with the kids now but want to talk to me and my siblings to know we and our families are ok. I don’t know what you want from this woman. If she did pop round frequently, you’d still be ‘crow barring’ time in to be with her and it likely wouldn’t be convenient and would become stressful. Do your kids want to see her? How much time would they actually spend with her if she came round? At 80 years old, I dont expect anything from my parents, their time of looking after us is done and I want to look after them.
You said you are having a tough time but didn’t explain what. It sounds like whatever that is, you need support but I think you are looking in the wrong place for it.
Best wishes.

BunnyLake · 23/09/2025 08:22

Nobody just ‘pops’ in unannounced anymore, it’s not good etiquette. You can't expect an 80 yr old to make impromptu visits, that is unreasonable. And why do two parents need the help and support of an 80yr old so much?

totalrocket · 23/09/2025 08:25

So it’s the carving out time to see her at hers that’s the issue? Instead of going to see her just text her a few times a week and say you’re in if she wants to pop in. Let you know if she wants a lift? That way you’re not shoehorning reluctant teenagers into a car to visit her

Notagain25 · 23/09/2025 08:25

At 80, no I wouldn’t be expecting any support. My parents suddenly became quite old in their late 70s (my dm worse than my father) and they found everything hard work and weren’t up to visiting a lot any more and certainly didn’t do anything with the children. She is more likely to need you to help her!