To be resentful of my teenage daughters

[SpunkyPearlSwan]

I have 2 teenage daughters, and they are 14 and 16. We don't live in the UK so there is not like GCSEs in factor. They are very lazy and this is making me resentful as I don't want them to be like me now because they are only teenagers and I am a 50 years old housewife.

The 16 years old has never had a job and during school holidays read and laze about at home. During school terms she does study on school days but rarely does much productive during weekends unless it's near an exam or coursework due date. She does choir and debating at school and that's it. She wakes up at the last minute she can and would never arrive early to school. She used to play instruments but stopped playing after protesting against them. She is not a bad kid but just very lazy and this makes me mad. To be fair though, she does harder subjects at school.

The 14 years old is not as lazy but very rude so I am equally resentful of her. She plays 2 instruments at what I'd say high level and does orchestra at school and does her own music chamber groups and the occasional competition. Her grades are good at school but after school and on weekends she is always on her phone lying on her bed and this is such a bad habit. When I tell her to do something productive she swears at me. She is also in general very rude and demanding and loves telling me to shut up.

As a result, I feel pretty resentful of them and it is pretty obvious. I keep telling the 16 years old to get a job and the 14 years old to stop being so focused on boys. AIBU?

YABU to feel resentful of your children @SpunkyPearlSwan.

They're children, you are their parent. They're not responsible for your feelings. It sounds like you could do with someone to help you out with these feelings.

Otherwise your resentment will negatively impact your parenting and the most important relationships in your life.

Let them be as they seem to be doing fine. Focus on your own life and why you feel so dissatisfied that you resent your own children. Maybe join a choir, take up an instrument or get a part time job yourself.

Well you are showing them women dont have to work

They sound fine to me. Why would you tell your 16 year old to get a job when you don’t have one yourself?

They sound very lovely well adjusted to their education. I can't blame them for wanting downtime at weekends. You don't exactly seem to have done much with your life. Why be resentful of your own dcs?

Quite shocked that a 14 year old swearing at a parent is seen as “fine” 🙄. I’d come down hard on that. The lazing about is quite normal
though.

Am I reading the same thread? “Lovely and well adjusted”?! The younger one frequently swears at op! God the bar for teen behaviour is on the floor.

You are going to ruin your relationship with them both by nitpicking and moaning ar then all of the time. Please go into therapy and explore why you are hyper critical of them and resentful. How did you become a ‘house wife’? What’s missing from your own life? What was your mother like? Start there op, and lay off them.

The swearing is not acceptable and needs to be nipped in the bud.

Well I guess if they don't do anything that's down to you not installing good qualities when small for them to learn

You should get a job. Nagging does not work. Modelling the desired behaviour does.

Do you work at all OP? Do you have lots of hobbies etc? What i am trying to ask is are you a good role model to them? Are they doing what they see you do?
As far as what they are both doing, I don't think you have much to worry about.
The younger ones attitude and swearing is not acceptable.
Do they have a DF? What does he say about it all?

With respect - they are a product of your parenting.

For a 16 yo with exams to sit 2 extracurriculars sounds fine.

Have you set an expectation that she should get a summer job? Are there jobs for teens in your area? Do her friends work?

Rudeness is not ok. You should be dealing with that.

If their grades are good why on Earth shouldn’t they relax at the weekend?

Resent is an odd word to choose - what is it that’s really bothering you? That they don’t help round the house?

There’s nothing wrong with not having a job until you’re 16. I started paid work at 16 and always worked since.

There’s also absolutely nothing wrong with quitting instruments you don’t enjoy. Also fairly common and normal. As with any hobby. It doesn’t mean you’re lazy.

Your youngest shouldn’t be swearing at you, but other than that, you’re being really dramatic.

I was the same as your 16 year old at that age and I regret not doing more. I do remember being exhausted all the time though. I would sleep for an hour after school. and we lived in a tiny village with hardly any jobs going. I got my first job at 18 when I went to uni.

I do have a good job, lovely DH and home now though.

What were you like at that age?

I think teenage girls are totally scary in comparison to teenage boys. They seem like normal teens though. I’m trying a tactic about being nice rather than nagging. We’ll see how it pans out.

Swearing at you isn't acceptable. Take her phone away from her for 2 hours every time she swears at you and it will soon stop!

Swearing at their mother is lovely and well adjusted?
OP don’t stand for rudeness. However they both sound like they do ok at school and have extra classes. I would allow downtime and stop being so judgmental of what they choose to do when home. Perhaps you could plan some days out with them.

You have to set gem an example. Resent is an odd word. It means you feel bitterness. Aren’t you just more frustrated?

Of one of mine gives me attitude I remove their ipad. It seems to work for a month ish.

But you're an unemployed 50 year old. It's a bit rich of you to expect a child to get a job when you don't have one.

They are very lazy and this is making me resentful as I don't want them to be like me now because they are only teenagers

When you say you’re resentful of them, because you don’t want them to be like you (which from your post suggests lazy and out of work) - what are you resenting exactly? Do you mean you are concerned they’ll end up like you? You are worried for their futures as you don’t want them to have no prospects?

They are normal teenagers who sound like they do their school work (one even does harder subjects at school!) and have extra curricular activities they attend. I wouldn’t push one to work if this was the case.

Also honestly if I was your 16 year old I wouldn’t take your request for me to get a job seriously when you won’t get one yourself! You need to model the behaviour you want to see in them. What does being a housewife entail for you exactly? You surely can’t be housewifing all the time… (if you are, what do you DO?!) Do you sit around on your phone a lot? Watch tv in the day?

(Obviously swearing not ok… but do you berate your children a lot because you think they’re lazy? I just get a feeling from your post you’re not very positive towards them…)

Clearly you aren't happy with your own life and this is what you need to look at first.

Well you don’t work & that sets the bar I think. What hobbies and interests do you have? We make ours come out with us if they don’t have anything planned. Where is DH in all this? Do some family stuff like cinema, walk, go into town for a wander.

The younger girl should not be swearing at you and not unreasonable she should face consequences for this. I did wonder if her bad behaviour is born of frustration at OP’s unrealistic expectations of her daughters.

Complaining that a 16 yo “has never had a job” and the girls like to spend their weekends chilling - heaven forfend 😵‍💫. I had my first Saturday job at the same ago 30 years ago. This was totally normal and at a time when there was an abundance of Saturday jobs, which no longer exist.

Maybe model the work ethic you’re so desperate for your daughters to have?

so you don’t work and yet your 16 year old is lazy because she doesn’t have a job. Ok. Can you see why this may make her resentful of you?

you don’t sound much fun OP. What nice things do you like doing together? When do you enjoy each other company? They honestly don’t sound like bad kids. Your younger girl seems a bit rude, but she’s probably had enough of the constant criticism. Try and lighten up.