To be resentful of my teenage daughters

[SpunkyPearlSwan]

I have 2 teenage daughters, and they are 14 and 16. We don't live in the UK so there is not like GCSEs in factor. They are very lazy and this is making me resentful as I don't want them to be like me now because they are only teenagers and I am a 50 years old housewife.

The 16 years old has never had a job and during school holidays read and laze about at home. During school terms she does study on school days but rarely does much productive during weekends unless it's near an exam or coursework due date. She does choir and debating at school and that's it. She wakes up at the last minute she can and would never arrive early to school. She used to play instruments but stopped playing after protesting against them. She is not a bad kid but just very lazy and this makes me mad. To be fair though, she does harder subjects at school.

The 14 years old is not as lazy but very rude so I am equally resentful of her. She plays 2 instruments at what I'd say high level and does orchestra at school and does her own music chamber groups and the occasional competition. Her grades are good at school but after school and on weekends she is always on her phone lying on her bed and this is such a bad habit. When I tell her to do something productive she swears at me. She is also in general very rude and demanding and loves telling me to shut up.

As a result, I feel pretty resentful of them and it is pretty obvious. I keep telling the 16 years old to get a job and the 14 years old to stop being so focused on boys. AIBU?

They’re the children you’re the parent.

What are you doing to show them it’s unacceptable the way they are acting.

Have you actually told them they need to do more?

Have you stopped doing everything for them?

You need to set daily chores for them, stop doing everything for them and if they don’t do as they’re told you take away phones, iPads, TV etc.

If there’s no consequences they’ll never change.

It sounds like you’ve not disciplined them and now expect a miracle. Also if you’re a housewife and SAHP to two teenagers, you’ve set your own example to them. Why don’t you work or volunteer? Teenagers don’t need a SAHP.

Do you model productive behaviour?

Tbh I’m not surprised she swears at you, you sound really difficult to be around.

anywsy this is a troll post

The swearing and being rude to you isn't acceptable. What consequences are there for that ?
You say it's very obvious that you feel resentful. Perhaps that's contributing to your dd's behaviour.
They are teenage girls who (more than likely) are capable of having an independent thought. They have a 50 year old mum who doesn't work herself, so probably don't understand why you have this expectation of them to get a job and spend all their time being productive.
I personally don't have an issue with 'down time' for teens when they are doing their school work without complaint and also have a couple of extra curricula's.
Leading by example may be a way of improving things. A job for yourself, taking up your own hobbies etc.

They sound like regular kids and seem to be doing OK. I think there is a lot of emphasis in the modern world that people should be doings and not beings. They need downtime from their studies. They do have hobbies, not just in shape you would like. You describe yourself as a 50 year old house wife. Why not describe yourself as an adult with experience. You are the adult, you can put boundaries in for rudeness by saying: Would you like me to speak to you like that? And boundaries for room tidiness by not doing the stuff they should be doing. My mother did everything for me while I was studying because I was a madam and I often look back now she is passed, and wish she had made me do those things and stand up to me as the adult.

Why do 14 and 16 year old need jobs? They do activities, do well at school? Why is it all about earning money? And as PP have said, you don't work ,so the impression they get is that women don't need to. They can get someone else to pay their way through life.

Model the desired behaviour to them. Do you get up and head out and have a busy day? Kids mimic what they grow up with. Plan some family walks?

Also the phone - I assume at 14 your paying for it so your rules, take it off her in the mornings so she’s not drawn to it.

What is the relationship with their father like?

Who pays the bill for their mobile phones? If that’s you OP and you feel so resentful then stop paying…….simple!
As for lazing around all weekend………..nah! Not acceptable in any circumstance! Stop collecting their dirty laundry (if that’s the case), stop allowing snacks and drinks in their rooms (if that’s the case), encourage them to be functioning members of the family by ensuring THEY keep their own rooms clean and tidy, they do jobs around the home, they help prepare meals, they speak to you and others with respect.
Be the parent OP, you have allowed this behaviour and only you can change it or else you will forever be their housekeeper !

A job at 16? I had a little job then but only match days iirc, they're still in full time education. It sounds like she's applying herself to her studies. What's the rush to work right now, that time of life is the only time you have seemingly endless free time in the school hols to pursue your own interests, and if that's pure leisure then so be it. I remember those days fondly.

She will be working the rest of her lifetime, kindly you are projecting your own woes about your choices onto her and its important to be mindful of her path but not try to overly influence it. The jobs 16 year old can get aren't hugely aspirational and if money isn't an issue and she's getting good grades then I don't see the hurry.

Attitude from 14 Yr old is normal teenage stuff and might even be push back as you say your resentment shows. What legacy do you want from being a stay at home mother? All those years of spending time raising your girls and making the house a home, being there for them after and before school, and you may end up with two adult daughters who don't have much of a relationship with you.

What exactly are you resentful of? Because it could be a number of things but not working and being lazy can’t be it given you don’t work either so what is it?

Other than the attitude you give out to them and they give back to you I’m really not sure what your problem is regarding them. OTOH you sound very unsatisfied in your own life and it sounds like you are taking it out on your daughters.

Get your own life going in a direction you are happy with and they will learn from that hopefully.

I think it isn't your dc's responsibility to fulfill your emotional needs. If you are unhappy with the life you are living, then that's a separate thing. Do you have a partner you can talk through your feelings with? Work out why you feel resentful? It isn't too late to get a job, if you would like to.

I think your dds sound hard working and successful. They both multiple extracurriculars. Lazing about in their free time doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

I agree the swearing isn't great, but it sounds like the relationship is tense and you are quite critical of them. I think you need to fix things at your end first.

Op time you enjoy wasting isn’t time wasted

let them be
they are doing well in school that’s enough for now

but nip the rudeness in the bud not acceptable for a teen to tell you to shut up

The swearing is unacceptable, but quite frankly it sounds like the 16 year old works hard at school and the 14 year old does well and has productive hobbies with their indtrument proficiency and choir, so down time and lazing about to recharge their batteries seems absolutley fine and probably needed. (I bet theres thousands of Mums who wish their teens spent their downtime reading!) They're probably only giving you attitude because you're constantly badgering them to be 100% productive all the time like machines, so please give them some slack.

I agree with others that you can't expect the 16 year old to get a job if you don't work yourself either! They seem to be doing well, teenagers need more sleep, so let them sleep. I think you maybe need to speak to someone about your resentment though its not fair to take it out on your kids.

They aren't an age where you just tell them what to do and they do it, maybe for things like empty the dishwasher, but not life changes like attitude and getting a job. Parenting is different at this age and you need to try improving how you interact with them.

Do you do anything together? How much time do you spend on your phone?

Start with just asking them to help cut an onion or something and actually talk and listen to them, get to know them a bit better.

Maybe do some volunteering or a sports class or something yourself, demonstrate how rewarding these things are rather than just telling them, theoretically, because they don't see you doing these things and teens are very alert for hypocrisy. Maybe take a class yourself and bond over studying.

Loads of 16 year olds have never had a job. And loads of teens laze around in the school holidays. They sound incredibly normal to me.

If you want them to look for work and take on chores, then fine, help them with that and express your wishes. But resenting them...how awful

You need to crack down on the rudeness and swearing but everything else is normal and fine. Working hard at school, some extra curricular interests, like to relax at the weekends. Sounds fine.

What do you think they should be doing? If you're a housewife with teenage kids perhaps you're not really modelling a "productive" life. My mum was a bit like you (she did work PT though) and was obsessed with the idea that I should be doing lots of structured hobbies and activities every weekend not "wasting the day". But she didn't do any herself!

Very good point OP, lead by example, even volunteering would be good as you are demonstrating you are giving up some of your spare time to do something productive. Being a housewife and not having young kids isn't cutting it .
My mum was alwys pushing me to xyz and I resented it, relationship never fully recovered.

They don’t sound lazy. Just teenagers.

the swearing and rudeness definitely isn’t acceptable.

Jobs can be quite difficult to find at 16 when you don't drive and are at school full time.

Why don't you lead by example OP and get a job yourself?

They work so much harder than you and more hours, and you’re at home doing what? If you set a better example and worked and did things around the house together then maybe you wouldn’t be in this mess!! You need to grown up and stop being resentful to your children, that’s your own issues.

maybe if you were conducting yourself in a respectful manner it would be given, you’ve clearly not set boundaries hence the swearing and you’ve not show them a work life balance.

I'm not accusing you of anything, OP, but is there swearing at people at home? My parents were always shocked and appalled when my siblings and I swore at them, but they swore at each other and us all the time (and I do mean swearing at, not just saying "shit" if you dropped something).

I do agree that if you want them to be productive or creative then you should model that; it doesn't necessarily have to be a paid job, but there should be something.

Sorry no, you don’t get to be a hypocrite and demand your 16 year old gets a job when you don’t have one!!!

This!