To be resentful of my teenage daughters

[SpunkyPearlSwan]

I have 2 teenage daughters, and they are 14 and 16. We don't live in the UK so there is not like GCSEs in factor. They are very lazy and this is making me resentful as I don't want them to be like me now because they are only teenagers and I am a 50 years old housewife.

The 16 years old has never had a job and during school holidays read and laze about at home. During school terms she does study on school days but rarely does much productive during weekends unless it's near an exam or coursework due date. She does choir and debating at school and that's it. She wakes up at the last minute she can and would never arrive early to school. She used to play instruments but stopped playing after protesting against them. She is not a bad kid but just very lazy and this makes me mad. To be fair though, she does harder subjects at school.

The 14 years old is not as lazy but very rude so I am equally resentful of her. She plays 2 instruments at what I'd say high level and does orchestra at school and does her own music chamber groups and the occasional competition. Her grades are good at school but after school and on weekends she is always on her phone lying on her bed and this is such a bad habit. When I tell her to do something productive she swears at me. She is also in general very rude and demanding and loves telling me to shut up.

As a result, I feel pretty resentful of them and it is pretty obvious. I keep telling the 16 years old to get a job and the 14 years old to stop being so focused on boys. AIBU?

What is with these parents who insist every moment be "productive"?

Tell us more about how you spend your own time, OP. You describe yourself as a housewife and you don't mention any younger children, so what exactly are you doing to model the kind of productivity and work ethic that you're trying to encourage in your dc? Is there any chance that you're feeling resentful towards them because you're projecting regrets about how your own life has turned out?

We can't live vicariously through our children. We have to make something of our own lives too.

You sound like my mum. She didn't like me either, even if I did get good grades and play musical instruments. No matter what I did there was always something so I stopped bothering trying to make her like me.

It’s pretty obvious you are projecting your own disappointment in yourself onto your poor daughters.
They are going through an extremely hormonal time in their lives and why should they have to work when they already have school, managing friendships and learning to deal with new emotions etc.
At that age I was absolutely wiped out from school and needed plenty of downtime - and yes my own mother called me “lazy” when she found me relaxing with a book in my room. Guess what? We barely have any kind of relationship at all now. In fact I can’t stand her judgemental ways.
If you want to ruin your relationship with your daughters crack on, otherwise I suggest you focus on working on what you don’t like about yourself instead of taking it out on them.

Maybe you should get a job and set a good example?

I’m just going to be blunt…I wouldn’t want you as my mum. You don’t sound like a great mum.

Plus the audacity of you to tell your daughter to stop focusing on boys when you’re a lifelong housewife - the hypocrisy! Your entire life was spent around a man, you had no life outside of the house. Isn’t your daughter just following your footsteps?

It’s not fine . However that when op steps up and parents.

Especially when OP doesn’t work herself 🫣

This!!

There is a lot of talk about the daughter’s swearing but too little about the mother’s hypercriticism of her daughters. I am more than willing to believe that one plays a large role in the other with the hyper criticism being the original cause.

It sounds like you haven't put consistent boundaries in place around phone use (I presume you gave them the phones?) and household chores. It's quite unrealistic to then expect them to take the initiative on themselves to get off their phones and help around the house. I think counselling would be a good idea to work out why you feel resentful- do you expect your partner to help as much as them? How does your childhood feed into this? But also take steps to connect properly with them and then work on house rules and how they can be implemented. Some downtime is fine just if you think it's excessive perhaps you could think of options like doing activities with them when you are free.

1. SAHMs are not lazy by default as you suggest.
2. Your 'kids ' sound fine just don't accept rudeness?
3. Teenage life of much harder work than it was when we were kids. The pressure of the future is harder. The constant social pressure from sm is harder. The actual work is harder. Give them a break
4. Whoever on here said teenage girls are scarier than teenage boys is a twat. Both groups are kids and like kids they are silly, loveable, exasperating humans.

Came to the comments to say this! Swearing would be a no-no for me.

You've brought them up to be that way.
What sort of example do you and DP set? Do they see you spending your time doing productive activities (other than housework)? Do you include them in your activities?

Ok the swearing isnt ideal but the mum sounds like she nitpicks constantly and the kids are doing well in school and with extra curricular activities, whereas mum herself doesnt work- I mean what else does she want? Leave them alone, let them relax, let them chill cause they've about 60 odd years of work ahead.

Swearing at a parent is disgraceful. Not acceptable at all.

Other than that, they’re entitled to downtime after school and on weekends. I don’t do anything for a few hours each evening after work, that doesn’t make me lazy. It makes me a human being who needs rest.

I think you and your DDs need to work on how you speak to one another. They might feel you’re on at them all the time and it’s making them lash out frustration. They shouldn’t be swearing at their parent (not fine or “lovely” in any way) but they may need to learn how to say to you, “please can you let us have some downtime after a busy week at school? Why do we need to be doing activities 24/7?” It sounds like your insecurities are being pushed on them, which isn’t fair.

Their mother doesn't work @SpunkyPearlSwan , where's the work ethic example coming from?

Do you think this is more about dissatisfaction with how your life has turned out? Presumably you're unhappy in some way if you don't want them to be like you?

Do you think they know you're not satisfied with yourself, but haven't done anything to improve, so your words carry less weight?

Whatever it is, under no circumstance should swearing at you be acceptable. You need to sort out the lack of respect.

Criticising and nagging teenagers isn’t going to work and must be making them resent you. Your goal should be to build a new relationship with them as young adults. It’s not easy and you can’t force it but spending time together, when they’re willing, is the way to do it. Try to make those times relaxed or fun or interesting. Invite them to watch a film with you and chat about it after. Invite them to cook or bake with you. Put yourself out to give them and their friends lifts to places they want to go - some of the best conversations happen on car journeys. Are they likely to want to go to Uni? Offer to take them to Uni Open Days. Go and listen to your daughters’ debates and concerts and praise them afterwards. Get to know their friends and make sure they feel welcome in your home. Chat with their friends but don’t intrude too much. You want their friends to tell your daughters that they’re lucky to have you as a mum.
When you’ve a more positive relationship with your girls, they are more likely to tell you about the things they’re worried about, their hopes for the future and you can share (appropriately) things about your life that you enjoy or you regret. Ultimately they will live their own lives but it’s great if they can learn from and with you. Good luck!

Mine do jobs like make tea unload dishwasher etc without question when I point out I am “on my grind” in their words earning money to pay for them!

Are these replies written by teenagers?

Op not sure why you are getting such a hard time. I'm pretty sure your resentment stems from concern about your kids. And all parents want their kids to learn from their own mistakes and have a better life. I can't believe how nasty people are being about the op being a sahm. If you have done anything less than ideal in your life that you regret will you teach your kids to do the same?

Op From what you have said i wouldn't be too concerned about your older child. Maybe let her know that if there is anything that she would like to try you are happy to encourage her (and pay for lessons).

Your younger child sounds as if she is doing great but the rudeness isn't acceptable especially not if it's constant. She needs to learn to treat people with respect and that starts at home. Besides it just makes the whole atmosphere unpleasant at home and that isn't good for anyone. I assume you bave spoken to her and asked her to be more respectful. Next i would do consequences starting with temporarily taking away her phone.

My mother was endlessly encouraging and supportive in a way that seems to be sadly lacking in your household. She came from an outstandingly sporty family - I mean like international legend material - and she produced a very
uncoordinated and unsporty child. In retrospect, she must have been disappointed but she never let it show and encouraged me in non-sporty pursuits. Yes, I sometime lazed round the house as it was a time when not every minute was scheduled or meant to be filled. I think you should focus on giving a few compliments to your poor daughters rather than nit-picking. My mother who was very capable didn't have the career she could have had because, through no fault of her own, she had a very truncated education. She was very clear though that she wanted better for me than she had had and talked about this openly with me and how I should seize the opportunities I had.

If the 16 year old won’t get a job stop giving her money.

OP isn't coming back is she? Hammered for her attitude so has disappeared.