DD and boyfriend are wasting their lives

[FiddIedeedee]

DD 27 and her boyfriend (also 27) are proper home bodies. All they seem to do in their free time is go for country walks with their dogs, meals out or Sunday markets 😂

When I was in my 20s I was partying, clubbing and getting up to all sorts, I fear they are wasting their youth!

Last weekend they baked cookies and went on a long country walk with the dogs with a pub lunch. DD spends a lot of time reading and crocheting bits here and there. The boyfriend has started furniture restoration as a hobby. They’re like an old couple honestly!

DD got annoyed with me because I said to them they need to be out enjoying their 20s (and soon 30s) and not acting like a couple in their 60s. DP says leave them be but I just don’t want them to regret not living life to the full. You’re a long time old as they say.

AIBU?

I have to say I found your early posts jarring. If you spend any time on instagram you’ll see that this “homesteading” vibe is very popular with that generation and I do think your haranguing them to be cooler is a bit weird.

This comment about hiding and enabling makes much more sense and I totally understand your concerns here. I have an anxious ds who will always take the easy option - particularly socially - and it is mainly driven by fear of taking risks. I really do think he misses out on so many experiences because he is always leaning into the least threatening and most comfortable option - I find it frustrating. He is on the autistic spectrum though so I understand where it is coming from but it has meant he has always chosen the “safe” friends who don’t challenge him or get his wickedly funny and quite edgy sense of humour.

i also have quite a risk taking hedonistic younger ds which is equally a worry!

They sound lovely. What on earth were you rather they were doing? Getting drunk or drugged up in clubs? Being sexually promiscuous? They are 27 and sound very happy and like they have a lovely life. Definitely leave them be!

I think the key point you’ve missed here is that what makes your DD happy is not the same as what makes you happy. She’s a very different person to you. You need to take a step back and stop judging her happiness by your standards if that makes sense.

My mum always used to criticise my life because I wasn’t out getting wasted every weekend. Guess what?! I no longer speak to her. Food for thought 💭

It's not how I spent my 20s but it's surely not something that merits intervention?!

I'm a millennial and have observed that my generation was quite hedonistic in their teens and 20s compared to how gen Z seems to be now at the same age (massive generalisation there obviously!)

Actually you are taking the piss out of her, if you read back your posts.

She is different to you. She is a different person to you.
All that judgement about “wasting her life” - how would you feel if she turned round and said “Emulate you ? No Thanks, I’ll live my own life.” That’s actually what you’re doing- telling her she’s living her life wrong, or inadequately, and you really should sticking your oar in. There’s no sense that she comments negatively on your life.

I certainly wouldn’t want her life, and it wouldn’t be for me. But that’s fine, she’s an adult and can make her own choices.

Well, they might be having wild sex parties at swingers clubs and stuff, but they're not telling you 👻

I'm 40 and I honestly would have loved that kind of life in my 20's but the time I was young and carefree, drinking and clubbing was encouraged and affordable plus no mobile phones or social media. I have amazing memories most are cringe worthy but they're mines but yeah I'd love my girls to grow up and be "boring" lol

That would be brilliant 😀!
That would be something for the OP to tell her mates 😂!

😂

I suppose what would worry me is if I thought one of them was restricting the other due to fear of the outside world. A lot of people don't travel or live outside their home area and they're quite happy. Your daughter is different to you, that's all.

I can tell you though that having a child who does like to travel and take risks is absolutely terrifying at times - real raw terror. Be careful what you wish for.

Ffs are you seriously complaining that your daughter has different interests to you and actually enjoys spending time with her boyfriend? She probably doesnt need tp spend her time chasing highs as she is actually happy.

Like a lot of pps, I was expecting a horrifying story about stoners in the spare room with no jobs, no qualifications and no clue. Instead, you're telling us about a sweet young couple who love walking, hobbies, baking, reading and their dogs.

I'm probably a little older than you @FiddIedeedee - late Boomer/early Gen X and I grew up at a time when getting totally bladdered and taking risks with dangerous people and lethal substances in nightclubs was so normalised it was almost mandatory. I had an escape clause - a diagnosis of epilepsy at the start of my second year at university (the meds don't mix well with alcohol and a chaotic lifestyle) but what I sampled during my first year was enough to tell me I'd never be at home in that sort of environment anyway. What's more, many of those who were immersed seemed frightened, bored and anything but happy. I met my partner (now DH) at around the time of my diagnosis and we very quickly settled into a routine of study, home-cooked meals, trips to the cinema and theatre. . .we were 20/21 at that stage and settled with jobs and our own flat not long after I graduated. We've moved around the UK a bit and lived in different places but if life hasn't been one long highwire act, I can't say I think we've missed out on much.

Why so judgemental? Your title made it sound like they are eating takeaways and sleeping all day. They are enjoying their own way. And who says you can only go clubbing in your 20s?

They’ll only regret it if they actually want to do that stuff on the first place. Also personally I did more of that kind of stuff 18-22.

They sound way more like they’ve got it sussed that the 20 somethings that piss away their youth in an alcohol fuelled haze.

They’re adults and have made the choice for a quieter life! Their life sounds idyllic and if you don’t want a major falling out with them, I’d butt out!

At 27 the clubbing part is over that's for 18 year olds, most people dial down the clubbing by around 25. I remember going to a club at 30 and felt very very old! I had a baby and a house at her age. They do sound like a little old couple but so what, if they both like the same things and she's happy then you should be pleased.

OP sounds like my mother when I was growing up.

We don't really talk anymore.

Haha me too!!!! What a silly Billy OP is.

They sound great. One thing I regret is not having had the confidence to be myself when I was younger. I've never been a party person but I just used to be very social to fit in and live up to other people's expectations. So good for this couple who seem to know who they are and what kind of life they want.

What like getting pissed is living?

Yes, people are focusing on clubbing and partying, because it is so absurd.

There is no inherent value in clubbing, partying or drinking alcohol. It isn't more fun than being outdoors. In some way it is something old people are nostalgic about.

That’s exactly what I mean. I fear they are retreating for the chaos in the world into their comfort blanket.

Actually I do think this is more of a thing with this age group than before and not just in the UK. Not all of them of course, but I see it with the children of my friends. They seem so much more 'sensible' than we were but also to have skipped the 'be young and free' stage and skipped straight to settle down. Or they never leave home, citing cost of living, high rents etc as the reason but underlying it is a bit of failure to launch. The world is pretty different for them now, economically, socially, politically and of course the influence and impact of the internet and social media. I think they are very wary and hesitant about it and perhaps don't have the sense of optimisim and confidence young people before them did to just go and take a few risks.

My friends in New Zealand with children this age are a bit puzzled. Travelling has always been a very Kiwi thing. When my friendhip group were in our 20's going travelling for a few years was just what you did (I was quite late to do so and felt really left out!). Especially coming to the UK on the old Working holidaymaker visa or backpacking through Asia. But quite a lot of this age groups don't want to to the traditional "Overseas experience" and live abroad, sofa surf, do all sorts of random jobs and meet new people from all over the world, finding out a bit more about yourself in the process. At best they might go to Australia to get a better paying job but that's the incentive, not living in another culture. I was talking to a Kiwi friend's 25 year old a few weeks ago - he's engaged to a girl he met at uni, they are both living at home and saving up to buy a house after they get married next year. They sound very happy but I was a bit flabbergasted!

Nothing for it but to let your DD get on with it and be encouraging to broaden her horizons if she ever mentions something.