Should I have lied?

[Lillylillyflower]

I recently broke up with my partner of 10+ years. Despite breaking up and telling him to move out he's still here quite often, he showers here, eats here and has said that he needs to sleep in the sofa until he sorts out accommodation.

My little sister has been staying with me over the summer until she goes back to uni. I obviously told her about our breakup but nothing more. The other day he asked me if I had told her that we had broken up, I said yes. He said he found it weird that she was staying up late considering he needed to sleep in the sofa and asked whether she was doing it on purpose so he couldn't sleep there because I told him I didn't want him staying in the house. I told him that she wasn't and didn't know anything about him staying in the sofa or me wanting him out because she didn't.

My sister found out today and was annoyed at me for telling him. She said it makes it awkward for her whilst he's still around the house and she's here for another 2 weeks until she goes back to uni.She said I should have lied to keep her out of it but I don't think I should have. She thinks I should have lied and said I didn't tell her to keep her from being involved and avoid any awkwardness. I don't think I should have lied and that there's no reason for it to be awkward. Am I being unreasonable for thinking she's overreacting?

@Lillylillyflower ex does not ever get to come into the house to see the kids. he can see them outside. not over her threshold at all!! any threats, call the police, get a restraining order if necessary. you sis needs to grow a pair and stand up for herself and her children.

he might think she's part of a plot to kick him out

A plot?? This is hardly Agatha Christie. Just tell him to get out for goodness sake

Oh well that rather puts a different complexion on it.

Him knowing that your sister is aware of the situation actually does put her in a vulnerable position, in view of his past behaviour.

OP, you need to sh1t or get off the pot. You can't have him hanging around like this, being a danger (emotionally, physically or mentally) to you and to anyone else there.

What I'm hearing is that you have put your need to placate this man with woolly prevarications over your sister's safety. In which case yes, you are being very unreasonable.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that this is no longer his home and never will be again. Leave his stuff on the front doorstep if you have to.

Then, Sister Here, stop pressurising her to consider your feelings and help her pack his shit, change the locks and get some professional help to set and maintain boundaries - like he NEVER sets foot back inside her house again!

OP's sister I feel your pain. It's unbelievable how long some toxic relationships can carry on for and how some people simply do not want to break the on-off-on-off cycle. At this point you just want to be left out of it completely which is understandable.

However if it's really that toxic I question why you'd want to live with it even on a short-term basis. Did you have no other options? I hope that once you move out, you'll be able to stay out. If you live in your sister's house, there's a limit to how you can keep yourself out of her mess and this kind of thing was always going to inevitable given the volatility of their relationship.

OP, I presume this will fall on deaf ears but for the love of God make this break-up a final one, tell him to get out and stop putting your loved ones through this shit.

Hang on. Kids? You didn't mention those before. Whose are they: his? And how old are they?

That was quite the casual drip-feed there, indeed.

Then kick him out? Bizarre.

And utterly depressing

This is a huge dripfeed.

Please just kick him out and change the locks. If they are his kids, take some advice on how to move forwards with custody arrangements.

Yes. We have 5 kids. They are ours

Weird as fuck, I'm out.

Me too

I don’t understand.

your sister was annoyed at you telling him what?

he asked if she was doing it on purpose. You said no. Which she wasn’t.

so what is she annoyed about? What did she want you to say?

I don’t understand.

@Lillylillyflower has he now moved out or not?

That wasn't relevant to mention in the OP?

Good luck.

He's going to be back on the sofa in a fortnight isn't he. Poor bloody kids.

It sounds as though he doesn't believe you have broken up and he has no intention of moving out. It certainly doesn't sound like a real break up though.
Is it your house? Do you want him to leave? From your point of view is the relationship over?

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. You need to have a chat with him about his plans now you're not together anymore. Housing, childcare etc. Sounds like he wants to pretend that you're still together and will worm his way back in if he's still living under the same roof.
Get this man out of your house.

If my sister had a violent partner, I'd have encouraged her to seek advice/ support from Womens Aid, and ensure the toxic relationship actually ended for good, not had a go at her because I don't feel 'particularly safe around him or comfortable'. Just saying.

Eh?
10 years?
5 kids?
and he's violent?
Huge multiple dripfeeds here....

OP: So you've told him it's over?
He's gone to stay at a friend's?
You don't want him to move back in?
Assuming he doesn't have any legal claim to the house (ownership or name on the tenancy) then you should change the locks right now, and not give him a key.
You/ your sister can pack up his belongings and either deliver them to the friend's, or make an arrangement for him to collect them from the doorstep.

Have you had any discussion about how you will share parenting the FIVE children in future? What will he contribute towards their upbringing?

OP and sister, when is he moving out then have you got a date?
Tell him he needs to go ASAP.

Well he IS being kicked out!!
The problem is that you haven’t been clear enough. You’re expecting him to go away wo a word. He is acting as if you hadn’t split up and ‘need some space’.

Im sure your sister realises that he isn’t welcome anymore.
But what she has picked up that you’re not keen on telling him straight. And you’ve basically been using her in making his life uncomfortable.

Huge drip feed, and now your sister’s posting under your account?! This thread gets stranger.

Biggest drip feed ever……