Page 3 | Should I have lied?

Lillylillyflower · 2025-09-22T14:12:21+00:00

I recently broke up with my partner of 10+ years. Despite breaking up and telling him to move out he's still here quite often, he showers here, eats here and has said that he needs to sleep in the sofa until he sorts out accommodation. My little sister has been staying with me over the summer until she goes back to uni. I obviously told her about our breakup but nothing more. The other day he asked me if I had told her that we had broken up, I said yes. He said he found it weird that she was staying up late considering he needed to sleep in the sofa and asked whether she was doing it on purpose so he couldn't sleep there because I told him I didn't want him staying in the house. I told him that she wasn't and didn't know anything about him staying in the sofa or me wanting him out because she didn't. My sister found out today and was annoyed at me for telling him. She said it makes it awkward for her whilst he's still around the house and she's here for another 2 weeks until she goes back to uni.She said I should have lied to keep her out of it but I don't think I should have. She thinks I should have lied and said I didn't tell her to keep her from being involved and avoid any awkwardness. I don't think I should have lied and that there's no reason for it to be awkward. Am I being unreasonable for thinking she's overreacting?

Luxio · 22/09/2025 16:21

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:20

He said he will stay with his friend till she goes back to uni and come back and stay on the sofa. I just told him he can't come back even after she leaves. He left yesterday.

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So he's gone? Is his stuff gone? I'm thoroughly confused by this thread, why ask if he's already left?

BoredZelda · 22/09/2025 16:21

All very weird. Maybe you should have lied - to him and said, yes she is doing that because you want him out. Maybe that would have made it obvious you want him to leave, since you seem to be finding it difficult to say that directly.

PullingOutHair123 · 22/09/2025 16:22

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:20

He said he will stay with his friend till she goes back to uni and come back and stay on the sofa. I just told him he can't come back even after she leaves. He left yesterday.

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So you have told him to leave, and he is no longer there?

If so, bag up his stuff and change the locks.

My head hurts reading this...

thepariscrimefiles · 22/09/2025 16:22

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:03

Sorry I should have been clear in my post. I tried to edit but can't. I didn't tell him to move out. I assumed breaking up with him will automatically mean he moves out.

You need to explicitly tell him that he needs to move out and give him a date. I doubt that he is even looking for somewhere else to live. As this is your house and you are not married, he has no right to stay.

Squeeky112 · 22/09/2025 16:24

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:20

He said he will stay with his friend till she goes back to uni and come back and stay on the sofa. I just told him he can't come back even after she leaves. He left yesterday.

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If it is your house, and not his in any way, change the locks NOW and throw his stuff out. If he turns up, don't let him in AT ALL. If he gets arsey about it, call the police. Otherwise he will stay forever.
And reconcile with your sister. This issue isn't about her.

ThreeTescoBags · 22/09/2025 16:25

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 15:57

My sister thinks I should have lied to him and said she doesn't know about the break up as telling him she does makes her feel awkward being here. She feels like he might think she's being vindictive by staying up late in the lounge and I have put her in an awkward position as he might think she's part of a plot to kick him out

Someone needs to be part of a plot to kick him out - mostly you!

BrownLycraBottle · 22/09/2025 16:27

You appear to have two people living in your house neither of whom own it but both of whom are telling you what to do.

In addition to which you and your sister appear to have extremely avoidant styles of communication.

Being clear and direct is always better.

1)If he is currently staying with a friend get a locksmith round asap to change the locks. Meanwhile bag up all his stuff.

You sister is being quite odd and silly but if you do 1) above the problem is solved.

Original poster

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:27

BigGra · 22/09/2025 16:16

In the grand scheme of things it’s odd that
you are focusing on your annoyance with your sister and not the fact that your ex boyfriend is sleeping on your sofa and you haven’t told him to leave.
Sister is being really odd and immature.

I'm not annoyed with her. She's annoyed with me for telling him she knows about the break up hence putting her in an awkward position with him.

OP posts:

BellesAndGraces · 22/09/2025 16:27

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:20

He said he will stay with his friend till she goes back to uni and come back and stay on the sofa. I just told him he can't come back even after she leaves. He left yesterday.

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So he’s gone now? If he’s gone, I wouldn’t worry about the argument with your sister. In the grand scheme of things, she will be back at uni soon too and it doesn’t really matter.
If you can afford to, change your locks. And obviously don’t let your ex back in at any point except to collect his belongings.

ReplacementBusService · 22/09/2025 16:28

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:20

He said he will stay with his friend till she goes back to uni and come back and stay on the sofa. I just told him he can't come back even after she leaves. He left yesterday.

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So.....he is gone? It's all fine then, nobody needs to lie/pretend/don't tell him she knows he knows/whatever? 😵‍💫

squidsin · 22/09/2025 16:30

OP, in the nicest way, you need to grow a pair. It really doesn't matter if you told your sister you've split with your EX. You've split with him. Why do any of you have to pretend that you haven't? All this is doing is making your EX think this is temporary and he doesn't have to go anywhere.

Tell him he's got a week and then he has to be out. Enforce that. And just ignore your sister, she's got nothing to do with anything.

Original poster

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:32

Luxio · 22/09/2025 16:21

So he's gone? Is his stuff gone? I'm thoroughly confused by this thread, why ask if he's already left?

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He was here till yesterday. I'm asking because my sister asked me to post and asked for opinions as she thinks she's right for being upset that I put her in an awkward position by telling him and she will still have to see him before she goes back to uni. For example if he comes over to see the kids.

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WallaceinAnderland · 22/09/2025 16:34

He's gone. Change the locks. Tell your sister what's done is done, no point falling out over it.

Luxio · 22/09/2025 16:35

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:32

He was here till yesterday. I'm asking because my sister asked me to post and asked for opinions as she thinks she's right for being upset that I put her in an awkward position by telling him and she will still have to see him before she goes back to uni. For example if he comes over to see the kids.

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Why is he coming over to see the kids? You honestly don't seem to understand what it means to break up with someone? It's your house he doesn't need to come into your house ever again now you're no longer together.

I'm guessing your sister thinks as soon as she leaves you'll have him living back in your house.

DashboardConfession · 22/09/2025 16:37

Who wouldn't tell their sister who is living with them that she's ended a 10 year relationship? Why did he even ask her if she knew?

ReplacementBusService · 22/09/2025 16:38

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:32

He was here till yesterday. I'm asking because my sister asked me to post and asked for opinions as she thinks she's right for being upset that I put her in an awkward position by telling him and she will still have to see him before she goes back to uni. For example if he comes over to see the kids.

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Ah. I think it's better in the circumstances everyone knows what's going on, out in the open and not to lie about it

Keroppi · 22/09/2025 16:41

No your sister is wrong and socially awkward, who cares. You've split up! If she sees him in future she just can exchange pleasantries and move on with her life.

BlazenWeights · 22/09/2025 16:41

I guess this is reason number 245 for getting married or having a joint mortgage. I couldn’t imagine being kicked out with no notice and nowhere to go after being in a relationship off over 10 years and with kids together….. my mind is blown. I thought people usually discussed this and gave someone time to find a new place, by time I don’t mean 2 weeks. This doesn’t sound unfair?

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 16:43

Op… do you have a job?

Rosscameasdoody · 22/09/2025 16:44

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 15:38

Mine

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Then don’t ask. Tell him to leave. Does he work ? If so pack his belongings and leave them outside the front door and change the locks.

Original poster

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:47

BrownLycraBottle · 22/09/2025 16:27

You appear to have two people living in your house neither of whom own it but both of whom are telling you what to do.

In addition to which you and your sister appear to have extremely avoidant styles of communication.

Being clear and direct is always better.

1)If he is currently staying with a friend get a locksmith round asap to change the locks. Meanwhile bag up all his stuff.

You sister is being quite odd and silly but if you do 1) above the problem is solved.

Sister here. I am staying here short term. This is an on and off relationship that has been on and off for 10+ years. It's also been extremely toxic and this is a man who isn't been above inflicting violence on my sister, aswell as constant theft and cheating but they are still together and he is constantly around. My only grievance is that he didn't need to know that I am aware of their situation right now whilst I am still living here and when he hasn't fully moved out. I don't feel particularly safe around him or comfortable, especially if he thinks I'm being vindictive, I'm worried he might be angered and do something . I'd hope I'd never be in harms way but I don't put anything past anyone, especially not someone who's caused harm previously.

I don't think it's imature or odd for me to hope that she wouldn't involve me by telling him I know, and potentially causing me to experience hostility or a tense atmosphere until she is finally strict about kicking him out which is not happening as of yet, and I don't expect it to for a while due to past experience.

OP posts:

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 16:48

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:47

Sister here. I am staying here short term. This is an on and off relationship that has been on and off for 10+ years. It's also been extremely toxic and this is a man who isn't been above inflicting violence on my sister, aswell as constant theft and cheating but they are still together and he is constantly around. My only grievance is that he didn't need to know that I am aware of their situation right now whilst I am still living here and when he hasn't fully moved out. I don't feel particularly safe around him or comfortable, especially if he thinks I'm being vindictive, I'm worried he might be angered and do something . I'd hope I'd never be in harms way but I don't put anything past anyone, especially not someone who's caused harm previously.

I don't think it's imature or odd for me to hope that she wouldn't involve me by telling him I know, and potentially causing me to experience hostility or a tense atmosphere until she is finally strict about kicking him out which is not happening as of yet, and I don't expect it to for a while due to past experience.

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Does your sister have an SEN? Would you regard her as a vulnerable person?

oh and fgs grow up. This isn’t about you

diddl · 22/09/2025 16:49

I don't think you should have lied.

If she didn't like it she could have moved out.

Or could she?

Maybe she could be a bit more grateful to you for housing her?

SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter · 22/09/2025 16:50

I wouldn't stay in with someone who is violent. Can you stay with your parents or a friend? It's very odd that your sister hasn't taken the opportunity to change the locks and refuse to let him back in the house, but then people are odd...

latetothefisting · 22/09/2025 16:51

I'm confused

What exactly is your sister annoyed that you told him? That you'd told her you'd broken up in the first place or that you told him that you told her?

Presumably she would have been both annoyed and confused if you hadn't told her you'd broken up and she came out in the middle of the night for a drink or whatever and seen him sleeping on the sofa.

Personally I would think it would be much weirder if you know you've broken up, he knows you've broken up (albeit he doesn't seem to understand what that entails!) and she knew you've broken up but she wants all of you to pretend you haven't! Why?

She's talking about not wanting to make it awkward in the future - how long does she want you to pretend she doesn't know for? Surely pretending you don't know something you do is more awkward than everyone just being on the same page and acting like adults.

Basically op it's your house - youre doing your sister a favour by letting her stay there, youre already struggling with a break up and an ex who was refusing to leave, it sounds like you haven't told the kids yet, she is being unreasonable to expect you to add an additional layer of ridiculous to it all by also pretending she doesn't know when she does.