To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

Kindly OP, I think you are suffering with RSD as a result of being ND (I say this as someone ADHD who suffers herself!) and this has caused you to react very strongly.

I am sorry you had a lonely experience as an only child, but that is not a given for all only children. What about an individual's personal relationships, both romantic and platonic? The only company doesn't have to be from family. There are plenty of people with lots of siblings and family who don't have close relationships with them, they're not necessarily lonely either.

The fact is- you want your DCs to have a relationship. For whatever reason, they don't feel as strongly about that as you do. I have a few cousins who I spent a lot of Christmases etc with growing up who I barely ever see now, we are certainly not friends as adults just because we're cousins- I suspect there are lots of families who are the same.

At 7 your child has so many opportunities to make friends and form relationships on the horizon. Stop trying to force this one, but don't cut them off either- if your DC does decide they want a relationship with their cousin, they won't thank you.

Am I allowed to ask why the OP didn’t just say something when the little boy mentioned his first party. To me her response when she found out about it is well over the top, unless of course there is a huge back story that we haven’t been told about.
I can understand why most of the posts on here have attributed the increasing distance between the cousins down to the OP being hard work, and I also agree that there’s no written rule that cousins have to socialise or be invited to each other parties, but I can’t get my head round the fact that his parents thought it was OK to keep the whole thing a secret (and to tell their son not to mention it, if what the OP has said is true), especially bearing in mind the boys are the same age and have socialised previously. To me that’s just rude and pretty poor parenting. I suppose it could be argued that they didn’t want to cause upset, but if that was the case it’s completely backfired.

That’s bizarre. What conversation did you and your husband have about this? Is your marriage happy?

Everyone else has mum friends and their kids play together. I can accept myself and DC being excluded by others, but it’s hurtful when family does it as well.

I think that you are placing too much importance on family tbh.

That they have to get along & have to spend time together.

If (for example) you were difficult to get along with or always causing upset why should family have to put up with that any more than anyone else?

I have one sibling who I get on well enough with.

I wouldn't say were are close.

I have friends whose company I much prefer.

You COULD go with them, someone does not want you to.
Maybe its them or maybe its your DH

I don't think OP is being overbearing. She is merely facilitating a family relationship.
I can really understand how you feel OP

What a vile response when the OP has said exactly why she feels this way. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down, I hope someone does this to you, you must be unhappy?

OP I can understand why this is upsetting. I guess it’s worse because it affects your child and you have tried and you actually don’t know what the issue is…
What I would say if I think you should pull back, completely, and see if they contact you. If they do, you should say oh sorry I’ve not been in contact but I just thought you weren’t interested, then they might elaborate on why; if they don’t contact you, then at least you made the right move not to bother with them and you can go away knowing you made the right decision.

The only thing I will say is there’s usually a reason for the lack of contact. We have actually cut off my SIL and BIL (DH’s sister). And we have kids of a similar age. We can’t deal with BIL, he’s just a total dick head, competitive, not a nice person and bad company and we don’t want our kids around him. Could it be that they don’t like your DH?

thats my opinion. You don’t have to agree.
but if you’ve agreed and the orphan shows up at your door, to say no cos your kid wasn’t invited to a birthday party… seems out of order to me

You're being too generous about letting them force you to stay at home. How far is the drive?

Also bugger being left alone every Boxing Day while your family go off on their jollies without you. I'd be nipping that right in the bud.

To be fair I was very close with all my cousins as a kid. But soon as we got to late teens we had nothing to do with each other . And 20 plus years later thats stayed the same.
We are all very different people on different paths . I dont think all cousins are close at all.
Most just see each other at maybe grandparents life events and thats it.
I would just accept and move on . Your dc will make friends in school . They are the ones they will be close too.

I think it is hurtful as there is only one cousin, but I also think that you are extra upset with high expectations for these children being a support for each other.
Are you worried about your DC being alone as an adult.

Why don’t your DH and his sister do year about?

Do you have a really tiny car! Two adults in front, two in back with dc!
Unless it’s a six hour drive surely it’s doable.

They stopped coming for Christmas Day with us and PIL a few years ago anyway. Don’t know why. DH takes DC and PIL to their house on Boxing Day but I can’t fit in the car so I don’t go.

I don't think it's that unusual to want to be just with your young child at home.

Do you have a very small car?

Wishing you well @Pouticel . That sounds like deliberately hurtful behaviour from your DH's family.

And I think you are being fair when you say NT people actively exclude ND people.

Time to move into acceptance that what you wanted for your child isn't going to happen.

Put your effort into your happiness and growth, and that of your child.

@Pouticel does your husband have the only car in the whole extended family?

4 seater cars aren’t that unusual.

mini.

c1.

Hi OP. You sound very upset and confused. Could you ask your husband to mediate a bit, try to understand what's caused the distancing?

It might help you understand how they've experienced this as well as having your own pov.

Then you can decide together how to proceed. It must be tough on your husband being in the middle of all of this conflict.

No, she's being overbearing, while her overall intent isn't necessarily bad.

I wouldn't want mediation, they've made their point, sad loss imo, family connections are important too.
Good luck OP, book a nice day trip out for boxing day with your DH, let them take a taxi to wherever.

It sounds like you are projecting. I don't think there is anything wrong with the birthday boy only inviting friends. It's really hard if you have one child who doesn't know anyone else at a party.
My mum always used to insist on my niece coming to my kids parties. As I have two children the non birthday child would play with their cousin while the birthday child would play with their friends.
Seeing as you (maybe your child) often feel excluded maybe they feel not inviting you to situations like this is for the best as otherwise you would probably moan that the cousin is ignoring your child at the party. I find it easier to do something separate with my niece as that way there is no issue of the kids having someone they would rather play with.

I don't understand your Christmas situation though where you don't go.

I get what you’re saying about RSD and how triggering it is. Yet it’s a me problem. It’s hard to change your mindset, I know. However, the parents haven’t done anything drastically wrong. No way would I have been ok for my sil to take dd away with her even if offered. Age 7 is very little.

We used to invite dd’s younger cousin to all of dd’s parties when she was young, the last one being when she was about 7. Dd only once got invited back. I got upset about it in silence, hugged dd through it and now in their teens, the 2 cousins have started to have a relationship independent of parents.

My dd is an only child. You don’t force others into a quasi sibling situation. You give your child the opportunity with any kids you can. And your dc may choose to do it themselves as they get older. My dd and another lad decided at age 16 they’re brother and sister.

This is very odd. Most cars can fit 4 adults and a child in.

There is something else going on here.

This made me understand why you are reacting so strongly: you don't have friends and neither does your dc so you need this family more than they need you. Since you're autistic like my teenage son I will say the same thing that I do to him: please try to match the other person's energy. You invite once, they turn down. Next time is on them to initiate contact if they so wish. You don't keep asking the person to see you/see your son. This can feel overwhelming and oppressive to the other party.

I feel sad that you haven't got many friends. I think if you're less intense in relationship you would have more success. Leave a door open and let the other person step in. Don't try to drag them in. Maybe you could see a therapist to work on social skills. For you, but also so you could help your son with this. It's really hard because autistic people need to actually learn this while for most nt people it comes naturally. Sending love.❤️