To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

I can totally understand how hurtful this is OP! I feel for you and your DC.

My brother and his wife did exactly this to my similarly aged DC, and my sister’s DC at the same age. They’re all now around 11/12. The kids themselves absolutely love each other so it’s nothing to do with tension between the children - it is 100% to do with my brother and wife being aspirational and I assume, thinking our kids aren’t good enough to mix with the other friendships they’re cultivating.

Very hurtful when you can recognise the superiority complex that’s behind it, but it hasn’t actually damaged the kids’ close relationships, even now that they don’t see each other that often.

It is very common at 7 for it to be awkward to have anyone at a party that isn’t part of the school group because it makes it hard for the birthday child and at that age they simply aren’t equipped to manage groups

you are putting too much on this relationship for your child and you and that pressure is too much

OP I can understand why your upset that you have really tried making the effort with them to keep a relationship with your child and theirs going. Is the family normally close or has it always been a case of meet up every now and then? And do you all live close to eachother?

I would say that it might be quite intense how much you have been trying to get the kids together but equally if I were you I would of stepped back ages ago and not given any more of my time or energy on it and just stayed polite whenever we did all get together as a group. I think the party thing with just school friends is true aswell your child may feel out of place not knowing anyone except their cousin anyway but them keeping it a secret is pretty crap. I would keep silent now but if you see them just act normal and polite.

They stopped coming for Christmas Day with us and PIL a few years ago anyway. Don’t know why. DH takes DC and PIL to their house on Boxing Day but I can’t fit in the car so I don’t go.

That’s your experience of being an only child. It’s certainly not mine and I can think of many advantages of being an only and I have a tiny family. Is your reaction to your sil because of your experience of being an only child?

In truth, you can’t make your in-laws behave how you’d like. You can only influence your own behaviour and encourage your child to have lots of friends outside the family.

I don’t think you’re being very thoughtful or careful about your child here. I have sucked up a hell of a lot worse so that my kids would retain friendships

For me because hyperthotically the DC the DC will have suffered one of the worst things a child could possibly experience and the OPs only though would be to score petty points.

Realistically people are going to prioritise spending time with people who are easy going and good company. Being very intense and "going nuclear" when you don't get your way are off putting behaviours.

You have a diagnosis but I think you need to get some support to work out what this means for you when it comes to how you relate to other people and build relationships.

You are not modelling adult or reasonable behaviour. Why did you not have a conversation with them and ask if there was a reason your child wasn’t invited. It may have been for a perfectly logical reason.

You have thrown a complete tantrum and your husband obviously doesn’t feel the same as you.

I do agree that they need to rethink their will.

ADHD'er here with 4 aspies in my immediate family, I get it OP.

Their rudeness aside, what makes it especially painful is the fact you've put so much effort into trying to nurture this relationship, when friendships and relationships are difficult territory for ND people at the best of times.

To force yourself out of your comfort zone with good intentions only to have it thrown back in your face is shit.

I spend most of my life trying to avoid people 🫣 but would feel really, really hurt and sad in your position as my RSD would kick in big time - for myself and my DC.

Uppity posters berating the OP about her emotional reaction clearly have little to no idea what RSD is like.

I’m just sick of trying. I’m not making any more effort from now on, they can go away.

You are modeling not helpful behavior for your child.
its ok if your DC isn’t invited to cousins party. If all other children are not known by your DC it will be awkward.
You are shooting yourself in the foot.
As well as the frankly unkind comment about not looking after the then orphaned DC as it’s written in parents will.
Take a deep breath and be an adult.

Surely that’s your husbands decision seeing as it’s his sisters child but yeah refuse to have your nephew in the event of his parents death because he prefers to play with Tommy from school rather than his cousin Timmy.

What a truly batshit thing to say 😂

Your DH leaves you alone on Boxing Day and spends it with his family instead?
Either they are asking him to or he has decided to - I wonder why that is?

I can completely understand why you feel so hurt on behalf of your son but the scorched earth policy you’re now adopting isn’t going to help matters.

The boys are only 7, they might be great friends when they’re older if they facilitate their own relationship with each other but that won’t be possible if you persist in cutting them all off so dramatically now.

I really do understand why you’re hurting, I had a similar experience with a family member who kept flaking on meet ups with dc and obfuscating and lying about it. Turns out she’s a raging alcoholic.

For whatever reason your SIL and BIL don’t seem to want a relationship with you, you dramatically cutting them off is kind of pointless as the horse has already bolted and you’re kind of self fulfilling their reason for avoiding you.

Bless you OP, your hurt is palpable.

Yes you may have overreacted today but unless you have had a past hurt triggered then you don't understand. I thought this trigger stuff was bullshit until it happened to me a few years ago.

This is pretty much you reacting to the hurt you've felt in the past mostly. You know how it felt and never wanted to see any of your your offspring to feel it.

They've done a massively shitty thing and your husband is right. Cutting them off is better than kicking off. It makes your life better when you remove the deadwood.

Don't stay upstairs though. Go home. There's obviously a bit of an atmosphere now anyway. Fake the shits or something.

You need to grow up and get some therapy frankly before you pass your insecurities onto your child. Their child doesn’t have to be friends with your child. And I’m not surprised they back away with some of your replies. Please go and seek therapy. Your child will make other friends. There’s nothing wrong with being an only child but you can’t keep pushing them onto family who clearly don’t see it as anything other then pushy and uncomfortable.

What?! You are left alone at home on Boxing Day? That's awful. No wonder you are so triggered about being left out as an only child! Why can't PIL make their own way there, or BIL/SIL pick them up so you can go in your own car? Why can't the car take five of you - even with a car seat you should still be able to squeeze in two adults unless size is an issue for one of you?

I'm starting to suspect you have a DH problem. Does he see BIL/SIL independently of you at other times? What's your marriage like generally?

‘I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family’

I’m sorry, but is it only me finding the wording of this weird? They’re 7 year old children, you can’t force them to have a relationship on this basis. No doubt they will both eventually make families of their own, not everyone has a close relationship with cousins as they reach adulthood.

I can see why you feel hurt OP, but wouldn't that be punishing both children for something that isn't their fault?

The other option would be that DH couldn’t see his sister at Christmas and PIL couldn’t see their daughter and DC couldn’t see her cousin. It would be selfish of me to say they can’t go to SIL’s house just because I can’t go with them.

Does the cousin have other cousins on their dad’s side and therefore the parents don’t worry so much about who the child will have as family when they grow up? Could they be closer to the other cousins rather than your child?

An all school party where the other kids know each other + one cousin who you haven't seen for 6 months would be awkward, mainly for the invited cousin. OK, they shouldn't have turned it into a big secret (pretty hopeless with a 7 year old who will tell and did tell) but you could talk to them about it without WW3 breaking out from your side. It won't help.

As far as saying you wouldn't take their children if the parents both died, it doesn't speak well of your true sense of family. It it's just because you're angry at the moment, for God's sake don't share it with them. It won't be forgiven.

I’m torn here. On the one hand, we’ve always hosted separate friend parties and family parties so I wouldn’t be upset about that. On the other hand, it is horrible that you’re left alone on Boxing Day, assuming you’d actually like to be included.