To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

This entire dynamic sounds very unusual. First things first, stop the Boxing Day tradition you’ve unintentionally started. Your husband is not responsible for driving his parents to his sisters, you need to do an alternative that doesn’t leave you out.

As for the party, it is what it is, kids start having class parties based around their friends and not their family. We’ve drifted away from the “must invite so and so because…” thinking over the years and we just invite who our daughters want to invite. If the parent is offended it’s on them, it’s just not our problem. We’ve taught our girls that they won’t get invited to everything and that’s ok because they won’t invite everyone to things they do.

it sounds like you maybe just don’t mesh well with each other and that’s ok too, you can’t make people like you. Honestly pick up the book Let Them by Mel robbins. It’ll help you understand situations like this and how to move on from them, it really helped me with lots of things.

PIL can’t drive any more, they’re too old and ill health. It’s too far for SIL to pick them up. They live right next to us so the only way they can go to SIL’s house is if DH drives them.

They aren’t small people either. With a car seat and MIL in the back there isn’t room for another person. I’m happy to stay at home alone if it means DC has a chance to see her cousin. Whenever they go to SIL’s house I can’t go, including Boxing Day.

Do you think that your DH feels that he sometimes has to keep you separate from his family? The Boxing day thing is odd.

Child not being invited to two parties, and the parents clearly instructing their child not to mention it - which inevitably, they did. OP may be a bit over the top friendly but this is family. If they didn’t want it why didn’t they just say so ? Why come over and have OP’s DC upset by learning that they weren’t wanted at the party. It’s nasty.

To be honest your whole family dynamic seems odd. You don't go and visit anyone in the family because you can't fit in the car so you are left behind. The boxing day exclusion is unforgivable. If your DH has to ferry his parents around maybe a bigger car is in order or depending how far away they live a taxi on these occasions.

It's possible to understand how OPs ND has affected her reaction/behaviour but also realise that the other family members haven't necessarily behaved badly.

You’re too needy and drama llama - I’d back off.

Easy to say as an adult. But if you read MN, the idea that children want to see their friends in holidays as outrageous - holidays are for families. There was a lot thread this summer with many people saying there’s no way they would have a play date with a school friend in the summer holidays.

So if you have any only child and little family (or you do have family but why should they be bothered with you), your child has very lonely holidays because no one wants to hang out with them.

That’s the overwhelming position of MN. Every family is an island and shouldn’t expect or even hope for anything from anyone else.

Quite often I hate MN for this attitude towards only children, and have to leave it for a while.

YABU about the party invitation.
They probably invited all their classmates. That's completely normal. We always had 2 parties - one for school friends and one for family.
Your DC won't have known anyone else at the party other than the cousin.

In how they treat you generally, I think it's pretty obvious that they're not really in to you. I am not sure if they are being deliberately cruel or they are trying to quietly back away due to how you might react - which seems extreme. You are coming across as a drama llama.

Why can’t they come to you and your dh on Boxing Day?

Very sensible and kind advice x

If your PIL live right next to you, then it makes sense to do Boxing Day at your house or theirs and then sil and husband and child can do the travelling. Have you really been missing out on Boxing Day for 7 years since your child was born? That is madness. Your husband should be making you a priority at Christmas not enabling the rest of his family.

Now I'm even more convinced it's a DH problem, if he's the one who actually has to facilitate meet-ups by doing all the driving.

So here's a question for you @Pouticel. What was your DH doing last weekend? Did he have plans? Because I wonder if he knew about the party but didn't want to drive your DC there so he agreed/conspired with his sister and her brother not to tell you about it!

Or do they have a completely different lifestyle to you ? Basically are they snobs?
I have one friend who won't invite her sister and nephews to party's and such because she is on uc and in a council house. She is a snob .Its really mean .

Why are you forcing this ' friendship ' on the cousins ?

Clearly your brother and sister in law don't want it, could you not take the hint ?!

and now you are having a childish strop - shame on you !

As for this nonsense that the cousin will be the only family when your child grows up - so what !

I never saw my cousins since teenage years when I no longer had to visit Aunty & Uncle,
next time I saw them was when some of them turned up like vultures at my Mother's funeral
and again at my Father's funeral - after which one of them had the cheek to ask the solicitor was that all she was getting ? and what about her brother and sisters ?
My reply, via the solicitor, was that I, and only I, was the only beneficiary in both wills and that anything she received i.e. £'0000's ! was equal in £'s to an item ( jewellery ) my Mother had given her sister whilst my Mother was still alive.
Cousin was not pleased and luckily neither I nor the solicitor ever heard from any of them again, however she wasn't upset enough to return the £'0000's she received out of the goodness of my heart.

back to the cousin's party, stop making it all about you ! they have turned up today and have seen your dd !!!

How far away does SIL live that your DH can’t swing back for you on Boxing Day?

OP I agree with other posters that I think RSD has kicked in big time here. Age 7 it’s very normal to have school parties without cousins (we do the same now and cousins call over for cake after school instead). I think your most telling post is where you say you don’t have mum friends; what is your general social circle like? Could it be you’ve pinned an awful lot on this relationship and as such you’ve taken it very very hard.

I think your reaction is overly strong - don’t cut them off completely, for the sake of your DC. Does he have friends at school he mentions that you could try and coordinate some play dates with?

I don't think it's OK to not invite your child to the party... how can you explain that to a child.. It's mean and spiteful.. I'd stay away for a while but maybe later on see if you can find out what there reason is for such hurtful behaviour? But long term your child will be able to decide if they want to make a relationship with them.. how about your child sends nice hi how's things? Cards... to stay in touch? she.. he could send a card saying she? Is so pleased to hear that the party was good but is really sad too have missed it... It's really best to try to keep it friendly on your child's part... But I think this might be easier said than done at the moment... All the best to you both.. ❤️❤️

Do your SIL and BIL understand that though? Is it possible the reason they’re, in your view, pulling away from you is because they’re offended you never go to their house?

This is all very ott!
My DD is the same age as her first cousin - when they were young both families facilitated a good friendship between them - they got on well and played w my younger DS too (only two school years apart). They even took DD on holiday etc or we went away together a couple of times. As adults we are v different but it’s Dh’s family and we both have tiny families so we have to good good relations.
i fantasised about the cousins growing up and continuing to be best friends (my first cousins and their DDs are like this), but this didn’t happen. They are now in their early 20s and couldn’t be more different and prob only see each other 2-3 X a year at family gatherings.
So what I’m trying to say is that you’re making a massive mountain out of a molehill. Just chill, let their relationship either thrive or die in their terms. The party thing is a red herring as it’s usually class parties at this age.

I think I'm on the opposite side of a kind of similar relationship. DB and DSIL have 2 DDs and expect them and my DS to have a close relationship because he is their only cousin. DS has very little in common with them (he likes video games, they are a bit younger and like dolls) but DB and DSIL expect DS to want to be with their DDs and entertain them for days on end whenever we go to visit DP who live near DB and DSIL. Their DDs are a bit obsessed with seeing DS but the feeling is not mutual. I also have a strained relationship with DB as he used to mock my weight endlessly growing up. I am pretty certain DSIL is autistic. She is very difficult to be around because she will talk about her special interest a lot (I won't say what it is as it would be outing but it's incredibly dull) and is very intense even when I try to have a very casual conversation. She's frequently incredibly rude which I try and ignore it and blame it on the likely autism, but my DH is extremely uncomfortable seeing her given things that she has said.

I have tried explaining to DB and DSIL on a number of occasions as tactfully as I can that we don't mind seeing them a bit when we visit DP but they need to accept that DS doesn't really share any common interests with their DDs and so is polite but can't be expected to entertain them all day, every day when we visit DP. DSIL in particular still doesn't seem to be getting it, ignores boundaries and probably thinks that me and DH are trying to stifle the cousins' relationships.

Why I am saying this is that we only have your side of the story OP. It might be that the cousin doesn't really have as much interest in the friendship as you think she should but you are not picking up the signals, or there might be other reasons why it's all a bit too intense and best for everyone to take a bit of a step back.

As pp have said, they are cousins and parties at this age are normally just school friends. You need to explain this to your DD and manage your reaction.

First part of your post, not unreasonable but then very unreasonable.

It is sad that there isn't more effort on your sister-in-laws side. I felt a bit like this with on of my relatives but their DC and our DC have a very close relationship despite infrequent visits when they were all little.

My DC love all their cousins, love seeing them, love spending time with them, but there is no expectation on either side that they would be going to each others birthday parties. They and I would see party invites more for school friends, or friends from their hobby, that is people that they are seeing on an almost daily basis. I certainly wouldn't be getting upset that mine weren't invited. I'd be interested and pleased that my nieces/ nephews had had a lovely time on their birthday. I'd not be making it all about my DC.

Your reaction is so extreme and unjustified that I'm not surprised that your SIL is holding you a little at arm's length.

I would love to here the SIL version of events because on the face of it you're being unreasonable and your tantrum today sounds embarrassing. It's completely acceptable to have separate parties, I don't think I went to any of my cousins birthday or vice versa. The hiding it doesn't look good but perhaps they knew what your reaction would be...
As to your own child's birthday, parties don't have to cost £££, sounds like a cop out. Some with boxing day, hire a car for a day or two if you can't all fit.

id not be hiding upstairs

after their son said he couldn't talk about the party yesterday m- id have asked them why? why weren't you included and why was it secret?

It’s too far for SIL to pick them up. They live right next to us so the only way they can go to SIL’s house is if DH drives them.

So why doesn't SIL go to her parents instead of involving her brother?

All those posters saying it was entirely reasonable for the parties to be separate. If it was all above board why was the child instructed to say nothing ? And why go to OP’s knowing that it was inevitably going to be mentioned ?