To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

You are trying to force a relationship and then behaving really badly when it doesn't go the way your idealistic picture in your head went
Its nice the cousins get on when they meet but you are over the top

I find it interesting that you feel happy to judge NT people but don't like it when it's done to ND people.

Mostly, people are ok. The OP has clearly contributed to the non relationship here, it's not all on the cousin's parents.

Some of these responses to the OP are really mean. She has told you all that she’s autistic. Maybe she has RSD? This is quite common in autistic people. Luckily I don’t have this. But for some autistic people it can be a very upsetting thing to live with.

@PouticelI don’t think AIBU was a good place to have your thread. Maybe move it to relationships?

My child’s 7th birthday cost me about £20 on art materials, stickers and craft stuff, £10 on cake and baking supplies, the price of a couple of takeaway pizzas (could do cheaper and cook yourself) and a multipack of fruit shoots. Five kids has a great time in my dining room and went home with a cupcake they’d decorated, various pieces of artwork and a bar of chocolate.

You do not need to spend £300 on a party, but if you want Mum friends and your child to have class friends it might be one way to make the effort.

Jesus.

Ask them.

I feel happy to judge an NT society when it has been my experience, yes. In my experience NT people can be really cruel to others. Then they say that autistic people have no empathy. Which is funny.

This is massively harsh and quite out of order.

I imagine they've changed that. I would have done.

You've dialled up the situation unnecessarily.

You are not taking anything anyone is saying on board are you?
You are projecting your own experiences onto your child
Sounds like you don't have many friends yourself but you need to encourage friendships for your child at school or clubs rather than blow up family remtionships over some percieved slight

Actually I have done my best. Sent gifts. Invited them over. Offered sleepovers and day trips. Done them favours. I don’t know what else I could have done. If even family members don’t want to be friends or let their DC be friends with mine, then I might as well give up.

Surely it was a "friends/school class" party rather than a family one. They even came over to celebrate you with you and DC!

Also - I'm not saying this is relevant here - but I have a niece that I loved buying things for, meeting up with, to visit places with my DC. Unfortunately, I haven't done so in the last few years because her parents consistently cross boundaries, are very entitled etc etc... and I've had to pull back.

Unfortunately that affects my DC's relationship with her too.

It's quite telling that you say this relationship is important and you want them to be close, yet the moment there is a bump in the road, you give up and flounce off.

It's very normal for cousins to branch out from each other once they're at school. They get their own lives and interests. They could have still had a lovely family relationship, just not at the level you wanted. But now with your tantrum, they may not be able to.

My brother and I have several boys between us, all similar ages. We used to go to parties and see each other a lot when they were little, but that petered out as school life got in the way. They still have a good relationship, but don't see each other nearly as often.

They are family rather than friends, what have you done to make your own friendships or facilitated friendships for your child?

I don’t think so. If friends are a higher priority than family, then they can put them down as their DC legal guardians in the event of their death, because I won’t be doing it.

I think this explains a lot about your reaction here - most NT people would not be so black and white in the way they treated someone as you are being here. You’re upset because the other parents are not facilitating the sort of relationship you want between the cousins - without realising that your child can have a lovely relationship with his cousin but on terms that both parents want. But the more you push this very intense relationship dynamic - or overreact when they don’t do things the way you want them to - the more they are likely back off. It sounds like you’ve felt excluded a lot in life so you are reacting based on your own hurts - you need prioritise what’s best for your child. Making this a bigger deal than it needs to be and in the process hurting what could otherwise be a nice if more distant relationship for the cousins is not fair.

Are they still downstairs having a cup of tea with your DH? If so, why not take a deep breath and go and talk to them like the adults you supposedly are, because this is getting really out of hand and it will impact your DH, your PILs, future gatherings like Christmas and, most importantly, it's going to impact your child because there will be no going back from it. Calmly explain that you are hurt because they got their child to lie and you don't know why and would like a reason for it.

Why is it out of order not to want to take their child?

I can understand why you'd be reluctant, but have you tried to talk to them about it?

Both NT and ND people can be cruel or come across as cruel.

I think this is good advice.

I actually get where you are coming from. If this makes you feel any better, I’m an only child and my Mum was insanely controlling over my relationships with my cousins. I have 15 of them and while some of them are a lot older the youngest 4 are all only a couple of years older than me. I was never allowed to go to parties or gatherings they were having she would always find an excuse not to go. She is a narcissist and I think just loved to piss off her in laws and siblings with her controlling everything.

Anyway fast forward 30 years and Facebook comes along, I get to know loads of my cousins. We get along so well, I’m friends with the older ones kids who are nearer my age, as a group we have meet ups, and we chat all the time. My Mum absolutely HATES it, I take great delight in telling her everything my cousins are up to, or knowing about before she does.

So I get where you are coming from, and don’t worry about your child being friends with them in the future it might well happen anyway.

You keep trying because it is absolutely possible to get better at maintaining social relationships through practice - as long as you recognise your behaviour may be part of the problem. The good news is your behaviour is the only behaviour you can control.

Yes, I don’t disagree. Some autistic people are horribly ableist. A subject for another thread.

Can you think of reasons why they’ve acted like this? It sounds to me like they don’t like either your behaviour or your child’s behaviour and so they avoid you.