To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

You really don't need "mum" friends. DH and I are one of the few couples in our social circles who actually have DC. The vast majority of our friends (on my side especially) are ND but they were all friends prior to diagnosis, ND is not a barrier to having friends.

I thought I needed "mum" friends when DD was little but, turned out that the other mums already had their social groups established from before they had kids. DD has her school friends and is now an age where she can arrange meeting up between them despite rarely having play dates or attending parties. She maintained the friendships within school hours and going to the park after school if we had time.

Quite..and my autistic ex and my current autistic business partner have about as much empathy as a spoon. The OP isn't demonstrating much here either.

You're massively overreacting and projecting your own issues of being an only child.
You created your own family didn't you? You're not alone, you have a husband and child. And unless you're very old parents he will have both of you too, and then maybe his own family one day.
You can't force cousin relationships. I see two of my cousins and haven't seen others for decades.
Concentrate on fostering your child's actual friendships with his school friends. Get him involved in team sports. My only was never lonely growing up because I always took him and a friend out or had his friends over, you just have to make an effort. Mine's an older teen now and has loads of friends and a very busy social life. He has cousins but we only see them at the odd family get together, although they spent a lot of time together when little. It changes as they get older and make friends of their own.

So needlessly nasty.

I understand how you feel. My child had a cousin they were very close to in both age and friendship. My horrendous sister who has bullied me since we were small wouldn’t let them get together. I was very upset at the time but it was just a series of things she did to hurt me. They are now both 30s and are very very close and see each other often. I hope I never see my sister again.

I haven’t read the whole thread.

My DD is AuDHD. She is an only child and has one only child cousin on my side. He’s 9 years younger than DD and profoundly autistic.

She has 7 cousins on DH’s side, including one that is 6 months younger than her. They all live 200 miles away and DH has put in a lot of effort to establish a relationship between them all. It’s been pretty pointless though as it’s never reciprocated and DD doesn’t like going there anymore as they make all the effort and her cousins just sit on their phones or talk about their local friends. it’s just how things are and there is a point at which you just have to look after your child and “let them” miss out.

My biggest concern is that you are using your own autism as a r reason that you can’t make or keep friends and are probably passing this on to your child. I doubt this is true. DH is autistic and has a good group of friends. I have ADHD and have a good group of friends. Not everyone likes us but that’s absolutely fine.

DD has a wonderful group of friends at 15 - all ND in different ways - who very rarely see each other outside of school. She’s never really wanted play dates because she finds it all a bit exhausting. What is your daughter telling you that she needs help with or is missing?

Again. What are people so nasty on here?

You should have just raised it calmly with them.
Highlighting you have been left feeling confused and unclear why they haven't accepted invites. The party sounds normal to do as family members do get less at this age as friendships tend to increase. As long as they still celebrate & have a relationship which they have.
Best approach now. Unblock, apologies & say you acted on impulse as you were hurt & would like to chat if there is reason for not wanting to do as much. You must prioritise these relationships for your child & sometimes that means feeling uncomfortable, asking questions and staying calm and considered.
Talking through emotions is good and a wonderful example to set. You've instead thrown your toys out the pram & then said I'm not playing with you anymore forever. V dramatic.
Caused by your upset, so if you explain that & seek to resolve in a healthy way then you could get this relationship back. Perhaps suggest so many meet ups a year something special. Might only be three, whatever works for you all. True family bonds are about sticking through & working through things. We choose friends not family. You can replicate the resilience and the patience and commitment to working through matters. Even if you don't like answers. Give yourself space come back to it when you are less charged & try your best to act in interests your child. Ultimately you can't control how they are but you can do your best to discuss rationally & try meet compromise or work through issues.
Good luck. Not easy when pride involved but I think best you apologise for your reaction then hopefully can talk constructively.

I'm sorry OP but this is not a normal reaction either.

all these tears, tantrums and 'nuclear' reactions are probably why the family are pulling back. I know I would, if I knew my families reaction would be this, when I've turned down offers.

having autism is not an excuse to have no friends. You are acting like the world owes you and your daughter friendship. That's not how the world works and your daughter is going to be set up for a miserable time at school and teens when she grows up.

you and your husband need to change tactics here. There's evidently a reason as to why everyone, family, friends and DCs parents from school are pulling away.

as hard as this is for you to do, and I mean this with as much kindness as possible, you need to start looking inward because the common denominator here is you and your husband / small family.

it's evident from the way you post that you are forcing these friendships. Forced friendships won't ever last.
you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and blaming autism for having no friends, change tactics and stop behaving like this in front of your daughter.

I am autistic, I have ADHD and my daughters on the pathway. I am a single mum, with 2 brothers, 1 cousin who I'm not close to and haven't seen in years. Grandparents have passed and I have my parents.

my daughter has never, and will never go without. She's 4 but has made organic friends. I have a handful of friends I can count on.
I also have an incurable cancer. Our situations seem quite similar.

I know with autism it's hard to rationalise things, sometimes, but having autism doesn't exempt anybody from being part of the cause of a problem.

Might I also say that writing "It's horrible being an only child" is astonishingly ignorant. Perhaps it was for you, and i'm sorry if so, but you absolutely do not speak for all only children.

OP, I hope you're ok. There have been some very nasty people on this thread. Please ignore them. They are bullies.

I think, OP, that you have (inadvertently, I'm sure) placed a pretty significant burden on your seven year old niece. It's not her job or responsibility to manage your daughter's social life, or to be an emotional support to her as they grow up. Of course it's perfectly fair to hope that they'll remain close, but it can't be forced. Your niece deserves to have agency over her friendships and relationships.

Best thing to do is model some emotional resilience to your daughter. She can't control your niece's or your in-laws' behaviour. She can only control her response. It might be good for her to try some new hobbies or extra curriculars - there are plenty which are inexpensive and which will allow her to meet a wider range of people and potential friends.

Is your DD in Rainbows or Brownies? Are there gymteds/ballet classes she could attend and meet more people to mix with?

They're 7.

How good friends can they actually be if they haven't seen each other for 6 months?

Most friendships at that age are based on the friends they see every day in the classroom.

Trying to find a positive reason behind their decision.... maybe your daughter wasn't invited to the actual birthday party because it meant she would have been with a large group of children she wouldn't have known and therefore the parents thought it might not have been enjoyable for your daughter?

TBH - it sounds like you're trying force a friendship between two girls who never see each other purely based on the fact that they're related.

I agree. Hope you’re ok, OP.

You’re right, my mistake, I’ve misread it. It wouldn’t change my advice though. Re- reading back through the OPs posts makes it clearer that she has been pushing this relationship with too much expectation.

This.

I have several autistic friends and acquaintances and they all have friends.

It's definitely harder for them but it sounds like you've got it in your head it's impossible for you and DD.

Have you tried local events and support groups for autistic children and/or their parents?

Me too. OP is clearly hurting badly and only has her DD’s best interest at heart.

This world isn’t built for people who struggle with social interactions and friendships.

I think your DH should bring it up and ask them outright.

What's he got to lose?

Get him to send a message:

"I've noticed you don't seem to want to spend time with us and X (your DD). Is there a reason? Has something happened? I'd appreciate an honest answer."

There has also been good advice on this thread which the OP should not ignore.

As a pp said she's trying force a friendship between two girls who never see each other purely based on the fact that they're related.

Admittedly I haven't read the full thread but what's been said that is bullying?

the OP has ignored a large amount of valid advice and hasn't presented herself perfectly.

There was at the beginning. But the last couple of hours have been horrendous. I can't understand why people can be so cruel, then say X is bad. Can't get over it.

If you can't see the bullying then you could a bully yourself?

Or you haven't read the thread! Which you have admitted.

Good suggestions.

My girls did both Rainbows and Brownies. They loved it.

I did Brownies to as a kid.