To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

This isn’t politically incorrect, it’s just plain wrong. Your limited experience of a few children doesn’t represent all autistic children because autism is a spectrum disorder, affecting people in different ways.

A phrase I hear again and again through neurodiversity networks and groups is “if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person”.

My thoughts too.
Neither of them had anyone close enough to be in their wedding party.

This is not about being autistic.

you DO sound intense and hard work. You may think going off upstairs in a huff and blocking them on social media is a ‘quiet’ way of dealing with this, but it really isn’t. It’s extremely petty and passive aggressive. If you were a joy to be around, people would want to be around you, it’s that simple. So if they don’t want to be around, maybe you are a difficult person. Do some self-reflection and try to model better behaviour for your daughter.
Keep inviting the kids round from school, even if you don’t get an invite back. Don’t look at this as a rejection - some people are genuinely too busy/they have tiny or messy houses and don’t want people over/they are so busy in their lives they just don’t think about returning the favour. It’s not as black-and-white as ‘they haven’t invited me = I won’t try any more either’. Give people the benefit of the doubt and try to be more flexible in your thinking. I understand this is hard to do if you’re ND. If a kid stop coming over, then fine, it just means your children aren’t compatible. Don’t get upset by this just move on.

This is good advice.

Worth pointing out also that it's virtually certain some of the mums and kids in DDs class will be ND themselves, diagnosed or otherwise. They may struggle with social situations too. My own ND child would find this sort of intensity very difficult to cope with.

She said “I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused”

I didn’t interpret that to mean for the whole summer, just a visit at some point over the summer.

I have autism too and I know from experience that building relationships can be difficult.

I know your husbands family have disappointed you but unfortunately you have to accept that this is outside of your control.

I am an only child and growing up was close with my cousin, who is also an only child. Now, as adults, we barely have anything to do with each other. We just grew up into very different people with different priorities (which is fine!). She had a family quite young whereas I've been more focused on travel and my career (I also can't have children but that's another story!).

We're still on friendly terms but maybe see each other every year or two and exchange texts maybe once a month. Other than her, my parents are my only close family, but I'm not relying her or placing any expectations that she exists to someday help me with my loneliness in old age.

But it isn't really wrong. Having difficulty relating to peers and managing friendships is literally one of the main criteria of ASD. Of course people with ASD can and do make friends but it's usually more difficult by the very nature of it. If we're seriously at the point where the definition of Autism is so diluted that we're chastising people for accurately determining one of its main features then surely it's all meaningless?! If you don't want to acknowledge the challenges that come from having asd then respectfully what is even the point of a diagnosis?

I think it also assumes something about siblings. I have one sibling, we are not close at all. She lives aboard and I might see her twice a year but generally via our mum.
I don’t expect to have any significant relationship with her as we age. I’ve always been much closer to friends as has she. I find it sad at times, and it’s not something I would want for my own kids, but it is what it is.

Don’t people with autism have mum friends then?

@the7Vabo that's a really good point about siblings too, actually! I've never really thought of it from that perspective (having none!), but I definitely have friends who rarely/if ever see their siblings in adulthood.

I meant to say, but got distracted, reading about breaking generational curses might be good for you too, just because your lonely childhood was hard, doesn’t mean your kid has to be lonely. My childhood was horrendous and scary and lonely and chaotic and I’ve done everything I can to ensure it’s not the case for my kids.
I don’t get it right all the time, and they have struggled,,especially being asd and nobody believing me for years.
i said upthread i have no strong family connections so i have made my new little family my family, they will grow and move on one day and then i will find other things and people to fill my time but i dont mope around my kids complaining that our family is so cold and un compassionate etc,
i try and instil better values in my kids and show that we can have fun together and with other people including their own friends they’ve made completely independently of me.
i reiterate that you will benefit from some therapy with a neuro affirming practitioner because you are really doubling down on how much this one relationship means to you all and its not helping you to see the bigger picture

YANBU. I’d be hurt and pissed off too. I’d also be doing one last text to the group chat and tell them exactly why I’m cutting them off and why I absolutely won’t be looking after their child so they’d better change their wills.

What strikes me most about your post and subsequent updates is that you find managing relationships hard. You are very defensive to any perceived criticism. You say that it's hard to make friends. If that is the case, then likely your defenses are up. If you react or are bristley/on guard with others, then they will respond/counteract. You will then use these responses as 'proof' that people are not to be trusted. When self esteem is low, it's common for people to blame others rather than reflect upon their own role. You say that you are ND. That being the case, that will make it harder to pick up the subtle communication cues. I really think that it would help you to reflect upon the way that you interpret the actions of others and how you respond. You clearly want to have good relationships, but I suspect that your communication style may well be inhibiting this. A few tweaks could make a big difference.

It isn’t ‘awful’. It’s totally and utterly normal for a seven-year-old’s party to be just school friends. You’re coming across as obsessive and a bit mad, to be honest.

I’m not denying social challenges are a part of autism, that would be ridiculous.

My problem is with the generalisation that autistic children rarely get included in social situations because most kids don’t want their friendship. That can absolutely be true but, because of the diversity in how social challenges manifest, it isn’t for others.

The adults I know, and their children, don’t all share your friends’ experiences but they are all autistic.

Eh?

A lot of people don’t see cousins as close relatives though.

You say you don’t have any family, but I expect if you checked your family tree, you would find you had second cousins, great aunts, great nephews, etc. Everyone does. But few people have any significant relationship with them because they are too distant to be close to. And in some families, first cousins are similar.

I didn’t have bridesmaids, my husband didn’t have a best man, we had a wedding with witnesses only.
I also have mum friends, whose children play with my children. Relationships can be hard to facilitate but we also only have one cousin who we don’t have a relationship with, so the friendships are important to facilitate where possible.

I'm also autistic, so you’re reasoning is crap.

OP, the children are so young. You are feeling really rejected right now because of their apparent lack of motivation or prioritising of something that is really important to you.

I think its making you feel really vulnerable and worried for your child, but i do think that you are getting it a bit out of proportion.
Your SIL not being as bothered about getting the cousins together as you are, doesnt mean that your childrens relationship as cousins is not going to happen, or is doomed. I strongly advise you try and work through your strong feelings on this.
I suspect RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) is showing up here. Try not to lash out, because you are only going to make the situation worse if you arent careful.
Its clearly triggering something big in you, but really, if they arent going to the same school, then there will be a long time ahead of you where they dont see each other that much. Your daughter will hopefully make her own friends. You dont have to have playdates or make a big deal out of it. These are often really tricky for autistic kids anyway.
Id suggest keeping it lower key. Take your daughter to the local park to play with other kids more maybe. Its less intense way to play than having one or two other kids in your own space.

I get that you feel you need to make a big decision because you are so hurt and triggered by this, but i think you should get out those intense feelings talking to a therapist or the samaritans - its a perfectly normal use of the samaritans btw - theyre not just for suicidal people. If it helps you talk out your feelings then i think thats a better way than exploding at your in-laws.

im autistic too OP. x

I only had children bridesmaids (niece and young cousin) as asking my friends seemed like an absolute minefield - who wants to dress their friends? Or proclaim an order of who you like best - I like lots of my friends equally!

Edit - I did ask my oldest friend to be a witness as well as doing a reading which seemed to me to do the job.

Yeah, that was my thought too.
You've "gone nuclear?"
I'd have needed to know what their problem was, but what's going off on one going to achieve? Do you do that or a lot, or prone to strops or sulking?
"Just wondering why you never want to meet up lately , make excuses and hide birthday parties?"
Put them on the spot a bit so they have to let you know, but going off on one is OTT.

"Just wondering why you never want to meet up lately , make excuses and hide birthday parties?"
Put them on the spot a bit so they have to let you know,

Wouldn't that make them withdraw even further?

Isn't it their business who they see & how often?

This is the crux of the issue. You have anxiety due to your own life experiences. Rather than work through your issues, you are making them someone else's problem. Which is actually isolating your DD.

Why have you got such an emphasis on family being more important than friends? Why should your child be more important than others hes actually friends with?

Hmm, this is a good point, though.
I mean, I was close with all my cousins when I was little, and I still am now as an adult.
We never went to each others birthday parties though, I'd have my school friends and they all went to different schools and so they'd have theirs.
Would never have occurred to me to be to upset at not going to their parties and presumably likewise the other way round!
You do sound a bit overbearing in that respect, sorry.
Especially with the going nuclear and repeated "fuck 'ems" in the thread.
You say your child and the cousin enjoy meeting up when they do? So sounds like they have a nice relationship. You can't control the parents and what they do with their time, though.

That was my initial thought but yeah, you're right

Hey. OP -
i think I get what you are saying ?
you’ve had a lifetime of being excluded
you are an only child and you have ASD
you weren’t able to have a 2nd child and you don’t want your child to feel alone, as you did / do
you’ve had difficulties establishing friendships with other mums and that impacts on friendships / play dates for your DD -
your ASD is likely to be a factor -
you have tried really hard to/ gone over and above to have a good relationship
with in-laws and the relationship between the cousins has been really important to you because of your past experiences -
but they aren’t reciprocated..
which leaves you feel hurt and rejected again
even more so because now it is affecting your DD

that is a hard burden to bear and that is why your reaction has been nuclear - because you are hurting and you are trying to protect yourself and DD from further hurt …

this is a big deal, after all life time of hurt -

please be super kind to yourself,
access therapy for yourself -
start to work through some of what you have gone through - you deserve some TLC