To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

You should have mentioned this tiny detail in your opening post, don't you think? Up until now I was under the impression you just came here to antagonise people.

This post is horrible and I suspect shows that you are in fact the problem. You wouldnt let your DH take in his Dsis’s orphaned child and would let him go to one of their ‘precious friends’ instead because your feelings are hurt? I’m speechless that you typed that out and posted it. GAFG!

Why didn't you just open your mouth and ask them why DD wasn't invited to the party, instead of going off on one? You're supposed to be the adults. You could have just explained why you feel this relationship is so important for both of them, and had a polite conversation about how you've been struggling to pin down time the cousins can spend together lately.

Your reaction makes me wonder if you're the one they're avoiding. Or if your DD doesn't have many friends, and you're upset because you've been using DC to fill that gap.

She didn't go off on one, she left the room.

She's hurt and venting in a safe space, give her a fucking break!

Who did she antagonise?

Can everyone on this thread just take a chill pill and stop being so harsh. This OP is not a bad person, she is clearly very hurt, sensitive to rejection (a huge challenge for autistic people) and absolutely sounds like she’s in a place of severe autistic burnout where it’s easier to cut ties because the skills and experience to see or understand how else to get away from the situation are genuinely not there. Right or wrong her reaction is the result of years of hurt and struggles clearly. There’s a few of us that have tried to respond with some compassionate advice to help her reflect and see how she can help herself move forward. But some of the posts are just terrible. One poster said “stop using your autism as an excuse” - seriously do you even read your posts out loud? There is a real, hurt person at the end of this thread so just chill out when dishing the tough advice. You can be honest without being brutal. Bloody hell this forum is chaos at times.

So they have reciprocated by inviting your Dc / family to similar tea and cake party?

At 7 kids' parties are generally school based. Your dc wouldn't know anyone.

Are they the same sex?

I agree up to a point and I think kindness is appropriate because the OP is struggling but I also think there’s no point just providing an echo chamber to validate the OP’s reaction.

Its a very emotional and highly irrational response and it has the potential to create a lot of damage to her daughter if she grows up to believe she is automatically entitled to friendships as a result of family ties.

I see so many posts on here from people who struggle with friendships precisely because they have grown up with highly unrealistic expectations or in families with toxic relationships.

There’s a duty of care as a parent to model behaviour which supports positive relationships and at the moment the OP’s baggage isn’t allowing her to do this.

AIBU is for this if is for anything.

She said it very early on into the thread.

I think in the nicest possible way, you need to take a look at yourself rather than this being a dc issue. You have stated that you’ve cut your own family off and can’t make meaningful friendships. There may have been many reasons why they didn’t want their DD to stay over, they may have different parenting styles, different morals, parents may have anxiety issues regarding their young child being away and it comes across that you may have been quite pushy. This can also make people feel uneasy. There may be a good reason they have distanced themselves from ‘family’ - not everyone had a great childhood- it can different for siblings even in the same house. They may be just trying to live a happy life with the partner they chose and the child they chose to have- you can’t always pick family! I’ve been on the receiving end of over pushy family, it was exhausting, uncomfortable, and a huge drain on me and my children emotionally too. We ended up trying to keep them at arms length (it ended up NC) which is what I think is happening here if I’m being honest. We don’t always get the family relationships we want, or the friendship groups we want but we can control how we deal with it. Your posts seems so angry and vengeful. Just focus on you, your partner and your child. Be the happiest version of yourself you can be, make your own happiness. If family/friends want to be a part of that great! It not- just let them and you move on. Don’t let your autism stop you making friends- I have ‘mom friends’ with autism - all different scales of the spectrum. Take a chill pill when trying to make friends- if your always on egg shells - it shows, if your afraid of doing something wrong all the time and not yourself - any friendships won’t be an even footing and be meaningful/longlasting- if that’s makes sense. I mean all of this in the kindest of ways. Our kids learn from us, none of us are perfect but think what your showing her . Take care and I hope it works out for you.

I'm just confused to why OP is in their will. They expect OP to look after their dc after they die, but don't want a relationship with her or her dc?

If I didn't like someone, I definitely wouldn't leave my child with them regardless blood or not.

I'm just puzzled. Unless they changed this and didn't tell her?

I also don't understand why OP stays at home and says there's no space for her in the car! Her in laws can make alternative arrangements to visit. Silly all around.

Please take this on board OP. It’s not good enough to just say “I have autism” You have a DC to think about here.

Assomeone has said up-thread please get some counselling/therapy. I know you see that the problem is "them" (your SIL, the friends, etc) but what is actually causing pain for you - and has the potential to cause pain for your DC - is extreme emotional response to other people's relatively normal decisions

I know but that has nothing to do with the delivery of some of these posts. My original post outright suggested to the OP to get some help and realise she may be part of the challenge but I’ve not told her she’s horrible or made her feel like a bad parent or person. Let’s not forget this OP has autism. And whether people believe the challenges that brings or not is their issue. Managing neurodivergence as a parent surrounded by neurotypical parents and family is exhausting. They see/feel things very differently and it can be very heavy. This poor woman sounds exhausted from trying to fit in to a world she doesn’t always have the social cues or skills to manage or understand.

We can constructively advise someone to look at themselves without being a bully about it. Autistic people are wired differently, it’s a fact and the key is for them is to get advice to reflect and gain support to help them thrive, and learn how to adapt in a world that thinks differently to them. It’s not about excusing poor behaviours, it’s about helping them to look at things and try to understand their part in life’s challenges when it’s not always obvious to them.

It's clearly not just the party, is it?

Did you read the whole post?

Though I do think @Pouticel needs (with her husband) to speak to them and find out what's going on

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one.

Looks like the flounce was part of the "going off on one" to me. I feel sorry for her husband and daughter. OP obviously has a lack of social skills and has developed a huge chip on her shoulder about friendships as a result. All of which is then projected onto her daughter. She thought family would fill the role of the friends she never had, and is furious it hasn't turned out that way. This isn't about DD and the party - it's all her own resentments at her in-laws bubbling to the fore.

It's sad. There was never any attempt at a normal, rational conversation. OP just jumped straight to the drama llama options of blocking, flouncing, and declaring she wouldn't take DC in even if the parents died. It's a deranged overreaction. I feel sorry for her husband and child. She must be exhausting to live with. She blames everything on her autism, is completely unwilling to work on herself, and thinks people have wronged her at every turn.

OP, you're being a hypocrite. You claim you care about your daughter having a relationship with her cousin, because she's her only family, but you've interfered and cut off the relationship between the two girls because your feelings were hurt. You can kid yourself it was about your daughter, but it obviously wasn't. They're seven year olds. It was one party. You didn't even try to smooth things over and maintain the relationship. Instead, you went nuclear on your daughter's behalf. I'm guessing this isn't the first time you've done this, and that it's part of the reason she struggles with friendships.

Later you decide you'd rather go no contact than only see family on special occasions. Because that's "crumbs" and that's insulting to you. Once again, it's not about how your daughter feels, or what's best for her. She can have a relationship with her cousin on your terms or not at all. Stop blaming your autism for what is clearly selfishness and unresolved issues on your part. Sort yourself out. Your behaviour is hurting your daughter. She deserves better from you.

What an immature way to behave.

It's a terrible response and it does site she's the problem here.

It's a massive overreaction.

It makes me wonder, when someone asks if they're being unreasonable and is told by most posters that they are... they still refuse to accept any other perspective and every further post just shows what an unreasonable person they are.

You are so unreasonable I'm not sure where to start. Maybe your use of "bitch"- nasty, misogynistic insult which is never justified.

I acquired a husband when I married. It would utterly ridiculous to think I acquired a "new sister" and a "new brother" too.

Have you read all her posts? She has explained that by going nuclear she meant she has left the WhatsApp group with SIL and BIL.

Here is an example of kicking someone when they are down …

there is a bigger picture here - OP’s lifetime of struggles with interpersonal / social relationships

it’s really sad

Yep, it's becoming a pile on now.

All OP has done is gone up to her own bedroom and left the WhatsApp group.

I would have seen the evening through and then just not bothered with them again but OP was hurt and clearly couldn't be in the room anymore.

@LA2025 she has not cut off her own family. She was referring to SIL and BIL as her family because she wanted to see them as one family. She is saying that she has now cut them off due to their lack of interest in treating her DD as close family. OP is an only child and only has her elderly parents who she sees regularly.

@Limon87

We can constructively advise someone to look at themselves without being a bully about it. Autistic people are wired differently, it’s a fact and the key is for them is to get advice to reflect and gain support to help them thrive, and learn how to adapt in a world that thinks differently to them. It’s not about excusing poor behaviours, it’s about helping them to look at things and try to understand their part in life’s challenges when it’s not always obvious to them.

Yes, autism makes it much harder for people to "read" situations and people, and maybe its exacerbating it but I don't think autism is the driver behind a lot of this behaviour. A lot of it seems to be a kneejerk trauma response to perceived sleights which is driven by OP's past experiences.

Lots of people are autistic but still manage to make and keep friends. My DP is autistic and has some odd mannerisms and slightly unusual behaviours around friendship but he absolutely would never come to a relationship with this level of entitlement, continue to hassle people when they'd said no to something multiple times or flounce off because he didn't get invited to every gathering they had.

Also OP seems to have a bizarre approach to her BIL and SIL where on the one hand she calls them horrible names (she called her SIL a "bitch") but she also wants her to be her "sister"). It suggests someone with a very poorly developed sense of how relationships operate.

Whether ND is at play here or not, the reality is that OP has a child and she needs to manage it in such a way that the child isn't constantly caught in the crosshairs of this exhausting drama.