To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

I’m going to agree with this: if there’s one thing which is guaranteed to make friendships harder its the expectation that the relationship has to run exactly to your rules and requirements and that any divergence from this is an insult.

You seem to have decided that because they are blood relatives there is some commitment which they are held to on pain of discommunication

I know you have difficulty understanding this but most people, neurodiverse or otherwise, don’t see the world like this. People take different approaches to family relationships but most people would not expect a cousin to be automatically prioritised over all other friendships all the time, particularly when a child is getting older and making his or her choices about their social life.

I’m afraid if you pass this sort of rigidity onto your child you are setting her up for a lifetime of disappointment similar to what you have experienced.

I mean this kindly but please please try to break this sense of rigidity and entitlement. It is your daughter who is going to suffer.

Isn't it pretty common to start splitting parties around that age. We certainly have for the last few years now - one school /football/other club friends party, one family party and some years an extra friends with children party. My kids get alot of parties!
Everyone we know does the same thing.

But the secrecy around the first party is the issue.

YABU for the reactions though. Its very OTT. Just step away from the relationship for a while. You can't force cousins to be friends.

I agree that you just can’t demand friendships be run on your own time. I’ve disengaged myself from a lot of friendships as they have wanted a level of attachment and closeness that I’m not willing to engage in. I just don’t need it or enjoy it.

Completely agree with this. Take the pressure off.
My parents did zero social arrangement for me and I somehow managed to make my own friends, and sort my own social life when I was older

The party issue aside which I don't think they were unreasonable about, it sounds like a lot is off with the extended family relationships.

I agree with PP, the Boxing Day thing is awful. Why can't your DP and his parents save up throughout the year for a taxi journey so you can all go? Sometimes I think you do teach people how to treat you and by being ok with this exclusion are you suggesting to your DHs family that you aren't important to your DH so why should they treat you any better?

It also sounds like your SIL might have her own issues with her DH trying to limit her social life. It's hard to say and I doubt you and your DH are ever going to get the full picture of someone else's marriage.

All that said a lot of people don't have the extended family relationships that they wish they had. It's something that has to be grieved for if necessary and the close relationships sought elsewhere.

But even if your SIL and BIL were lovely and keen to facilitate a relationship between your two children, due to the distance your DD wouldn't be able to play with her cousin every day. Unless your child has a friend who lives next door, even close friends wouldn't be able to play together every day.

Can you sign your DD up for clubs and activities such as dancing classes, swimming lessons, Brownies etc?

I do think that your expectations are unrealistic. Is your child generally happy at school? Has the teacher raised any friendship issues with you? You may be projecting your own feelings of rejection onto your daughter.

Most parents worries about their child's friendships, especially if their child isn't very outgoing or confident. Most children do manage to form their own friendships with classmates. Your daughter did have three girls who came for playdates. That is something positive.

No it isnt. If it’s a party full of school friends it could put birthday child in a position where they have to look after yours due to them not knowing anyone else preventing them from playing with all their other friends at their own party. That would be unfair to birthday child.

If you are an hour away how would the cousins ever have been the best friends that you want/expect(?) them to be?

If you find it hard to make & keep friends why did you expect that SIL would be able to form a friendship with you?

Just because your SIL doesn't have the relationship that you think she should with her family, that doesn't make her a bitch.

But cant you see that your autism is possibly making you over react to this situation and that your views on family and expectations are not "normal."
If you are aware and accepting that you have autism you need to be aware of how that can impact your relationships, you seem very rigid and only accepting of how you feel and not others but if you wsnt friends and want your daughter to grow up with healthy friendships and relationships you do need to reflect on your own behaviour.

Everyone is allowed to have boundaries. The SIL doesn’t want a relationship with OP and her son beyond a present exchange at OP’s house once a year and OP doesn’t want that kind of relationship.

People are bending over backwards to justify the SIL’s autonomy and yet OP isn’t allowed to have the same.

OP, the cousins will never have a meaningful relationships.

Reclaim your Boxing Day with your son, tell DH he can take PIL to SIL’s on his own.

And do not host the cousin’s birthday tea at your house ever again.

A couple of other people have said this already, but sometimes the relationships we have with friends whom we choose are more nurturing, trustworthy and loving than those we have with our families.

I know it’s hard, being autistic, but I’d focus on that for your child. Choosing people she likes, and has stuff in common with and you facilitating and nurturing that through play dates.

You are being unfair to your SIL and niece because your expectations are rigid and excessive.

You wanted her to be your sister when you got married. She isn't. She's your husband's sister and she isn't there to fill a gap in your life.

You want the two cousins to be friends. It's nice that they get on when they are together but your niece isn't a social band-aid for your daughter. She has lots of friends herself and is at an age where birthday parties are for pals, not merely cake with relatives.

It wasn't a "secret birthday party" that your niece had, it was a normal one. That they had to try and hide it from you speaks volumes about how they knew you'd react. Which you then did.

Your daughter shouldn't be in tears about not going to the party, that is all about how you and she are framing things. You seem to think she's entitled to be at a party where she will know no one but her cousin, and that it's cruel to exclude her. That doesn't help you daughter at all.

"Olivia had a birthday party with her school friends and is coming to celebrate with us on Sunday."

^ see? Job done.

My brother always invited our children to his family's birthday parties and after about age 5 they didn't enjoy it. They couldn't monopolise their cousin's time at her own party so it was a room full of noisy, excited children they didn't know from Adam.
That wasn't an ideal scenario for an autistic child with sensory issues like my child.

Autism isn't a reason not to have friends. It's very insulting to say it is. My (numerous) autistic family members all have friends.

I know you won't like to hear this but maybe they don't like your daughter.

I don't like one of my nieces and don't want my children around her, yes that means we've drifted from some of the family.

You shouldn't force things just because they make you happy. What if your in laws are happier when their child is away from their cousin because their behavior is better? Life is super tough, and you need to prioritize that within your control

You can’t force friendships. Even if they are cousins.
My DH has a much closer relationship with my best friends kids then he does with his cousins.

You’re putting a lot of pressure on this relationship when they clearly don’t feel the same. You need to accept that it’s okay for them to feel this way.

It sounds like this relationship is something you've become hyper focused on, and I understand where that comes from but their life doesn't look like yours. If they're working, their child has hobbies/school/friends and they're 45 minutes away it's not simple for you and your family to feature heavily in their every day life. You're not 10 minutes away where they can pop in on the way home for half an hour, it doesn't mean they don't love you just that they have a busy life.
If your child doesn't know anyone else at that party it's taking her cousin away from her friends to ensure your daughter isn't left out which might limit her enjoyment of her own party, can you see why that would be unfair on the child who's birthday it is? It changes the dynamic of the party.

Ultimately what I take from everything you've said is you're terrified your child will have no friends as that's been your experience, which is understandable. Being upset won't help your child's confidence though, and it sounds like this is what you should focus on to let her have healthy friendships and relationships with others.

Your autism isn’t a problem. It’s more likely to be the massive chip you have on your shoulder. You also have unrealistic views on how families should operate

I think you do just have to accept they are indeed a bit shit and focus on raising your child so they don’t need these relationships.

Hopefully you’ll feel a bit liberated once the sting is out of it all. Your husband should have your back too more than he does. Sadly I think a lot of men are like this, keep quiet to keep the peace.

Look, I'm going to be politically incorrect here and address the elephant in the room. You should have mentioned in your OP that your child is autistic (Asperger's). I have two friends who have children with this condition, and they rarely get invited to parties, or to playdates (at least not more than once). Of course, it is difficult to understand and hurtful for the person who has autism or a child with autism, but these children are often not wanted by other kids, or their parents, simply because their behaviour, ways of expressing themselves, etc, is different.
As an example, my friends children do not mingle easily, tend to disrupt games, and often provide answers or comments that are considered rude by the majority of people. Thus, they do not get invited to playdates or birthday parties.

I think the best course of action would be to work on improving your child's (and yours) social skills. Blaming others for not accepting or being unfriendly to neurodivergent people is not going to help. This is a reality, and while you may find some who are willing to be friendly and make efforts to befriend you and your child, most will not. Social skills and communication can be improved in those with Asperger's, and you should work on this in order to improve your chances (and your child's) to be accepted socially. Sad, but true.

I've read the first six pages and your responses OP. I think you overreacted. And I speak as someone who is ND with a ND DC the same age and sex as their cousin (born 8 weeks apart). They also live about an hour away.

When the kids were younger (up to 5/6) then it was full class parties with parents friends and family invited. More the merrier. Kids play along side each other so it's easy to add in extra and it not being noticeable.

By age 7 the DC have their own interests and they had separate parties.

Our weekends are spent at clubs, extra curricular activities and birthday parties for kids from school. We are BUSY.

We probably see in-laws and family once every 3 months, maybe longer.

When the kids get together, they get on for a day or two and then it's enough. They are SO different. One DC is super into football and Taylor Swift and make up / dances. The other DC is into chess and reading.

You can't force a relationship. The DC know the other is there and get excited before they see each other. Then they don't see each other for a few months again.

Ultimately
You owe them a serious apology for your behaviour over the party
You need to chill out

It’s not automatically horrible! I was an only child until I was about 10?11? And “horrible” is a fairly strong word.

it’s also normal to differentiate between friends and family after a certain age. My (male, same age) cousin only ever invited me to the family parties. I invited him to the “friends parties”. Did it sting a little? Sure. But I understood and learned valuable lessons about family, friendships and healthy responses to (partial) rejections!

what I absolutely wouldn’t do is hype up a relationship. Some cousins are close as adults. Some cousins aren’t. But let them make that decision! Gently facilitating a cousin relationship/friendship isn’t the same as emphasising its importance to your DC…

Those with Aspergers don’t have the emotional intelligence that NT people have, so you have to really trust what the people on this thread are saying to you. Whether you like it or not, the facts are;

• cousins/blood relatives do not need to be friends just because they’re related. Friendship is formed on mutual interests, compatible personalities, etc. You may think the girls get on great but your daughter’s cousin may just be playing nicely as she’s told she has to be kind to her cousin - she may not actually want to be friends with her and you can’t force that. I used to play with a girl with Asperger’s as our mums were best friends - I put on a good show and had fun when with her but I was also always happy to leave, she was exhausting.
• you DO sound intense and hard work. You may think going off upstairs in a huff and blocking them on social media is a ‘quiet’ way of dealing with this, but it really isn’t. It’s extremely petty and passive aggressive. If you were a joy to be around, people would want to be around you, it’s that simple. So if they don’t want to be around, maybe you are a difficult person. Do some self-reflection and try to model better behaviour for your daughter.
• Keep inviting the kids round from school, even if you don’t get an invite back. Don’t look at this as a rejection - some people are genuinely too busy/they have tiny or messy houses and don’t want people over/they are so busy in their lives they just don’t think about returning the favour. It’s not as black-and-white as ‘they haven’t invited me = I won’t try any more either’. Give people the benefit of the doubt and try to be more flexible in your thinking. I understand this is hard to do if you’re ND. If a kid stop coming over, then fine, it just means your children aren’t compatible. Don’t get upset by this just move on.
• can you get your daughter into a group based on her interests? To create real friendships she needs to find kids with similar interests to her. Art club? Maths club? A sport? Build your daughter’s confidence and happiness through a special interest and the friendships may naturally grow from this.

Other women also have autism and have friends. That in itself is not a reason for you to be excluded by pretty much all other mums.

How your autism presents itself and affects others (as it's different for everyone) may be relevant.

My DD is ND and whilst I haven't had a formal assessment, I believe I'm also ND, but I had mum friends even my kids were younger.

I didn't have loads of mum friends, as I got irritated easily with a lot of them and they just weren't my type of people.

I'm guessing your daughter has only one cousin, but the cousin has more than just your daughter (from her other parent's side). I don't think they did anything wrong really. They must have asked the child to keep the party a secret because they knew you'd kick off about it. I had a similar situation with XH's family. His sister had one child and they (not the kid but the parents) would try to hang on to my kids like a leech, even sending birthday cards referring to them as siblings and not cousins. It makes you instinctively push back to be honest. XH would ask our children to hide stuff from them and it used to drive me mad. We couldn't even have a gathering of friends, it had to be a secret from them.

It's important to build friendships with people in your and your children's lives. School friends mainly at this age, but also from clubs and activities. It's not expensive, I've had birthday parties for my kids some years which are just two or three classmates coming home after school for sandwiches and cake.

Also, please prioritise your own family. The whole idea of not spending Christmas together because you need to take the in laws in your car and there's no space for you is, frankly, ridiculous.