To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

Lots of adults have autism but also have friends.

It seems to be from your posts that you’re wielding your autism as a weapon to defend yourself against a world that isn’t behaving as you like.

But you can’t control what others do, just yourself. We all have to bend and mould ourselves to fit in to one extent or another and with practice we become more flexible.

You clearly can make a deep connection with another person as you’ve got your DH.

I’m autistic X I have loads of friends. As do my autistic kids .
i find friendships and relationships tricky to understand t times and nowadays seem to naturally gravitate towards people more like me (my safe people) but I’ve always had friends.
maybe you need to address this in therapy whilst also branching out and pursuing your interests in places where other people like the same things.

OK, fine, he's lovely, you're lovely, his whole family are lovely (worth bending over backwards for, aka being 'kind'). So what are you complaining about?

But having autism isn’t a hard barrier to having friends. My DP is autistic and has masses of friends. Its harder but it’s absolutely possible with honesty and a willingness to learn.

Telling your DD that you can’t have friends is a terrible signal to send. Think what this will do to her social confidence.

Lots of people with autism have friends. That doesn't mean you HAVE to have friends if you don't want them. It sounds like you do want them, but that the people who you want to be close to don't natch up to your imagined (and very inflexible and precise) version of what closeness should look like, so then you feel hurt and rejected and decide they are not nice people and retreat, still feeling hurt/upset/angry.

This may in part be due to your autism, but I think it's likely that at least in part it is down to prior trauma. This situation can change - but the only way it will change is through you getting therapy/counselling. If you don't want to change it then that's your choice but this is the only way to change it. Other people aren't going to change to fit the script in your head (nor should they). And if you don't change this situation then your DC will pick up on it and it will affect them. Whether you realise it or not, it is evident that other people are experiencing your emotional reactions and struggling with them, and if your DC isn't now (and I suspect they are) then they will do in time.

I think the first twi posters are being a little unreasonable.
You are obviously very upset and emotional about this issue.
I would not cut contact completely, just don't make further efforts.Surely SIL will want to see her brother again at some point.Find other friends for your child, and try to see if there was something you may have done.
Honestly sometimes it's not your fault, but dom't chase after someone like this if they don't like tou don't want contact so be it.

Maybe the cousin doesn’t actually enjoy spending time with your child? I wasn’t fussed by one of my cousins growing up. You’re putting a lot of pressure on family to fill the void that should have school friends. I’m a in and out parent at the school gates, I don’t have much interest in making friends with the school mums so none of my daughters friendships are because of me and she’s incredibly popular, I had very little to do with any of it. It might be worth talking to the school about why your child doesn’t have friends? See how they can help facilitate some friendships.

I have to say I am astonished at the posters asking the op why she can’t adopt.

Adopting is wonderful but it is not the same as having your own bio child or something to flippantly consider. It is wonderful It is a huge commitment and you are bringing a child with significant trauma into your family.

You must be prepared for significant interaction with social services, the child’s bio family. You also really need to consider the needs of your other child too.

It’s a lot to think about at any time, let alone with another young child in the house and when you’re recovering from cancer.

Agree that was a singularly daft idea for someone who clearly struggles with human emotions and relationships.

I wouldn't block/cut off your in laws as that just restricts your child's relationship with the cousin even more. But you will have to accept they aren't as motivated for the children to bond as you are. If you really need an explanation from them get DH to talk to his sister.

I also have an only child so I do understand all the worry that goes along with it. My hope is that my child will find his people/create his own family and not have to feel alone. Cousins are something to be grateful for but I can't pin all hopes on cousins.

OP it's a shame your medical issues have prevented you from giving your child a sibling, but that doesn't mean you can make your child's cousin fill that role.

What if your sil had never had a child? You aren't owed a playmate from your husband's family. You seem OTT and expecting far too much from his family. It's really normal for cousins not to go to parties and instead have a family get together. This normally isn't kept secret - but given your reaction isn't it obvious why they kept it from you all?

Your DC does appear to have friends at school. Stop being so offended by the friend who didn't invite your child back. Have you considered, at all, that their willingness for you to host is because they aren't in a position to reciprocate? Maybe their house is very small, or in a state, some children share bedrooms with their parents, don't have a garden, have elderly parents living at home, have other children with special needs who don't cope well with visitors, don't have enough money to host extra people for dinner.

You seem to have a very rigid way of looking at things, and make black and white assumptions about the reasons behind people's behaviour without considering any other options.

Not everything is a personal slight.

I am still reading this thread as I’m really sad for everyone in this situation. Please, please seek some help as you are creating so many barriers for your daughter.

it’s totally normal to have no relationship with your child’s friend’s parents. You said one parent was a ‘drop and run’ parent and that’s fine! You don’t need to have anything to do with them - this is for your daughter, not you. It’s totally normal to be autistic ‘and’ have friends if you want to - yes it can be hard but you have to try to create this if you want it. It’s totally normal to see cousins a couple times a year - appreciate you pictured something else when you both had a child at the same time but that was only in your head, no one else had these assumptions.

It’s also totally normal to buy a car that fits your family. If you’re regularly excluded because of the car, you can fix that. Really I think your in-laws should help with it as it’s them creating the issue but regardless. There are plenty of 7 seater options.

I think you also keep forgetting that you can do whatever now but it won’t affect as much as you think in the future. Your sister in law might move, the cousin might immigrate to Australia, your daughter might go travelling after high school and meet someone in Spain… there’s no reason to wrap your entire life’s happiness around one family who isn’t as committed as you are.

Teaching your daughter to thrive in the life she actually has is so much more important than teaching her to throw a fit and run away when you don’t like something.

My daughter and I are both autistic and have friends so that comment was actually pretty insulting.

(as an aside I really recommend the Elle McNicoll books. She writes super positive young adult and older kid books with female neurodivergent characters and they’ve been so helpful for my daughter to think about how to live in an NT world without compromising her own personality)

Tbh you just sound very angry, inflexible and intense!
You need to look at why you carnt maintain a friendship group. (I mean that kindly)
You sound very much like a friend of mine. The intensity of her was far far too much. I felt drained and my children felt the same spending time her child. I tried to explain to her and be kind (she has autism) but the truth was she wasn't willing to listen. I had to vote with my feet.

Hey OP can you speak to someone about getting some help and support - maybe a professional? I have ADHD and work with a counsellor to overcome struggles with people etc and it’s done wonders. I used to have a very cut throat/closed doors response to disagreements and hurt. Lots of blocking in WhatsApp and social media with friends who didn’t show up or just treated me poorly. With some coaching I’ve learned to see signs earlier, address my part in relationship breakdowns (sometimes this isn’t the case but sometimes I’ve had my role) and most of all I’ve tried not to let relationship breakdowns consume me.

I’ve read through your comments and while I genuinely want to give you a big hug, because it sounds like you’ve had a hard time with friends and family, I think you come across quite harsh and challenging and wonder could this be affecting the relationship with your SIL. I have a very difficult friend and our boys are the same age. Our little guys get on brilliantly but I just can’t cope with her demands or drama and have had to pull back/stop play dates because of our issues. Yes it’s hard because the boys get on so well but play dates/family visits ideally have to work for everyone. Maybe your SIL has her own issues etc. You have this assumption that your SIL has to love your niece and look while I do think not inviting her to the party is just so cruel, there is obv underlying issues on their side and only an honest and compassionate conversation will reveal those things. Or they may not want to be honest and you’ve to take their actions as the words you need. But the answer is distance and to just move on peacefully, not close doors and as you say “go nuclear”. I totally relate to that need to loudly draw a line under people when they’ve wronged you. For me it used to feel like I was taking some power and control back of the situation and making it clear they didn’t have the upper hand and I wasn’t taking their horrible behaviours. But actually it just did more harm then good because It just made me more angry and anxious. Whereas now just letting things fizzle a bit more slowly has done wonders.

You seem fixated on other people‘s relationship with family and friends. I note you calling one poster awful for not seeing their mom more than three times a year… I don’t n know you, but it’s clear you’ve got some big opinions and while that’s ok, there’s a time and place. If those sort of judgements are thrown around to friends and family, they won’t want to spend time with you or your little one which is why I think you need some help to become more self aware etc. For example you need the awareness to realise you don’t know that poster, their reasons, their triggers to not see their mum lots - and in life you won’t have that detail to understand people like your SIL. Lacking that beyond the surface thinking is very typical for neurodivergence and I think trying to get some help to cope would do you wonders. You’ve a lot of big opinions on how friendship and family should be but it’s not that simple. Everyone is different and just because people are family doesn’t mean you have to love them.

In case I sound harsh I’ve been where you’ve been where I resented the love and support so many people had around their children. But in time I’ve accepted my life and made the most of it, building slow friendships and just accepting that sometimes people change and so do our relationships. Comparison is the thief of joy and honestly it’s just not worth doing it. None of us truly know what goes on behind closed doors anyway. I am married to an only child and our son is an only child so far. All my siblings are much older than me and live in another country. So it can be lonely but we make the best of our friends, time together and enjoying the limited time we see family choosing quality over quantity.

I wish you the best of luck with everything. You sound like you’ve a decent heart and are just hurting. But sometimes the only way we can be heal is by working inwards for a bit. I’m not saying your SIL is being nice or right etc. but having the self reflection to not react so harshly can only help you in the long run. I used to be a constant state of anger and resentment to others due to my expectations of how people should treat me/others, and now I’ve let that go I’m a lot lighter and happier.

Take care of yourself x

I can see why you find it hard OP, but you cannot make others behave the way you want them to. You seem quite fixated on their role in providing a relationship for your daughter, and it isn’t their responsibility (although, of course it would be friendly and nice). It’s quite normal to me that cousins live separate lives and only really come together at family occasions like visiting Uncle for a birthday tea, or a family Christmas.

My SIL has an only child and she is the only child on that side of the family - no cousins. They got very upset with DH and I for not trying to have children so niece could have ‘more family’ (We live five hours away anyway). They also try to force a bit of a strange relationship between us - we really like niece, we buy her thoughtful gifts, FaceTime her, show interest in her when we see her, make all the right noises over photos of swimming certificates, etc. But SIL is always a bit disappointed when we’re not into playing fairies or whatever else with her… being a playmate to a 6 year old doesn’t really come naturally to two adults in their forties who chose not to have kids.

ADHD mum of an autistic child.

They can have friends but the friendship sometimes doesn't look like you think.
my kid is happy to only see her friends at school and have weekends and holidays often alone chilling at home - how she recharges. she actually gets annoyed at me for suggesting 'don't you want to invite x or y over'

you sound inflexible and ready to blame no one liking you on your autism.

you obsession with family verges on Eastenders levels of Faaaaaahmily first.

YES i only see my mum once a year
YES i can go months without talking to people
YES i don't like my cousins or my sibling

nothing wrong with that

For some reason, your SIL and BIL seem to have rejected your PILs, not just you, your DH and your child so I wouldn't take it so personally.

It was always going to be difficult to promote a close friendship between two cousins that live so far apart, particulary as they get older.

From the outside, it sounds like there’s been a lot of pressure on them - they’re your only option for family and you have high expectations of what a positive family dynamic should be like (unconditional love, very close with frequent contact and visits, etc).

All relationships are built on compromise and understanding. Withdrawing completely because they won’t do what you want isn’t compromise and judging them for how much contact they have with your PILs/calling your sister in law a bitch isn’t understanding. They don’t owe you a relationship, whether they don’t have the desire or capacity (your BIL advocating for his parents will occupy a fair bit of their time).

I come from a huge complicated family but my DH is from a similar v small distant family. We talk about “breaking the cycle”, with each other and our families, which to us means trying different solutions hoping for more positive outcomes. He’s rebuilt his relationship with his sister on this basis since we met.

If your desired positive outcome is more company/less loneliness for your child then you need to try multiple solutions - clubs/activities, speak to their school about any support/suggestions they may have, look for groups for ND parents/adults/children. Take control of finding the solution instead of pinning it on others with no agreement from them about the role they’re being given.

All of this. My kids have loads of friends but mainly only see them in school because outside of school is often overwhelming or they’re all sensoried out after the school week.
i have a low tolerance for socialising even though I have lots of friends I don’t see them all the time and I don’t have close relationships with any of my family, I think a big part of that is because they can’t relate to me as a neurodivergent person.
i always had things to do with my kids at the weekend, either me and the kids (single mum) me with friends and their kids or joining the various community events and activities over the years.
there are so many nd parents who also find making friends hard. It will make such a difference if you can turn your mind to something outside of this intense family anger.
theyre not even your blood relatives and it sounds like your dh might be asd too, so you both need make the effort to make a social life for yourselves or your just modelling sadness and isolation for your child

Sorry but you are the one who is going to ruin your daughter’s relationship with her niece. Once your children hit primary age life becomes busy, they start attending after school clubs and activities, if they do sports it can take up whole weekends.
I think it’s nice they took the time to have cake with family. I guarantee you they will not know they have done anything wrong.
The right thing to do was to pretend to be happy for her that she had a nice party. Be humbled that they took the time to have cake with you. Explain to your daughter that it was a school party and don’t give it another thought.
Every single poster is trying to make you see sense, and sadly you are not.

You said your mil is 'larger' so can she not sit in the front seat of the car and your pil in the back with you and DD? Even if he has a walking stick , it's the same getting into the back of the car, as it is in the front.

It is disappointing that your DD has been hurt by your SIL not inviting her to her cousin's party. It was definitely an unkind thing to do.

However, you do need to try and encourage and facilitate some friendships with children who are more local, such as school friends. Your daughter will need to be able to form friendships as she goes through primary and senior school, then possibly at University and in employment. Just relying on her cousin isn't going to help her build these social skills.

Excellent post.

Asking for your DN to go on holiday with you, making repeated offers, is OTT, OP. Your SiL doesn't want you taking her DC on holiday without her. Your DC and her DC are cousins. They will be happy to see each other occasionally. When they grow up they will make their own family. And you sound hard work.