To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

OP, why don't you just send her an email stating what you have said here; ask her why she doesn't want the girls to be close, and why was your daughter excluded from the party? ASK HER!!

The question is why is my DC not considered to be one of cousin’s friends? Because they keep rejecting all contact and not facilitating a relationship between the girls

Absolutely nothing to do with that. You are completely missing the social aspect of such parties. The kids invited would have all been from school and/or clubs. So, they know each other and will socially interact at the party in those groups. Your child would have known no one from school, or clubs/sports, only their cousin. So, by default your child would have only interacted with their cousin at the party. That would have monopolised cousins time and pretty much cut them off from socialising with the others. That’s why it was inappropriate to invite your child. It’s a part of party planning, factoring in these social aspects! You have made it into something it is not.

OP, it's clear you've had a lot of rejection in your life and it has hurt you a lot. It is also clear that you don't understand why, and you've said you would like to understand why. People are replying trying to (nicely) explain why and you are responding by telling them they are wrong. You seem like a nice person at heart, and someone who is hurting, so I'm also going to try to explain why - though I suspect you will reject my explanation just like you have rejected everyone else's.

On this thread you have exhibited quite a few characteristics which make it difficult for other people to maintain enjoyable relationships for them.

People have tried explaining to you that different people do cousin relationships differently and that's perfectly fine. You won't accept that. If your SIL doesn't make the same decisions you would then you label her as unkind or not caring. I'm sure you don't mean it that way but that's incredibly controlling.

You say you don't convey that to your SIL but your replies on herd indicate you have little self-awareness about how your own feelings may be conveyed snd how intense you are.

At 7 years old, unless the two cousins are joined at the hip and absolutely best friends (which is clearly not the case here) there is no problem letting a child pick to just invite their friends to a party. Would you do it? No. Does that make it wrong? Also no.

The fact that the child has been told to lie about it is unusual and suggests that the family were scared of the reaction from someone if they found out. From your posts, I think it's likely that person is you. I know you don't think they see/experience a reaction from you, but I think it's highly likely that they do but that you have no self-awareness about it.

You did nothing wrong per se in offering to take the cousin on holiday or for them to come and stay. But your reaction to them saying no shows no understanding of their position - again unless they agree to have the kind of relationship you want then they are seen by you as horrible people. There is no way in the world I would send a 7 year old to stay with or on holiday with someone they do not see extremely regularly and feel very comfortable with. That's not you OP. Making the offer is fine. The level of judgement and hurt feelings when that offer is declined, is not fine.

Your description of the playdates that have fizzled out, also show these patterns of thinking - that if someone doesn't do a relationship the way you would do it that they are bad/unkind/uncaring people (which is not true) and you are disproportionately hurt by it.

Your replies on here are incredibly intense yet don't take on board anyone's suggestions or feedback. If friends/relatives don't follow the same script you would use then its clear very hurt and see them as mean people, time after time.

The other people aren't doing anything wrong per se. They just aren't living their lives the exact way you want them to. The only way that this situation is going to change and be less hurtful to you is for you to develop an understanding that them not following your script doesn't mean they don't care or that they are horrible people. It's clear that these types of thoughts are linked to issues/rejection from your own past and that these are fueling anxieties about your own DC being hurt and rejected. The problem is that your intensity of feelings and rigidity of thought makes this more likely, as it is more likely both that people will avoid you (and in turn your DC) and that your feelings of rejection when people live their own lives, will seep out and result in your DC also feeling rejected when there is no need.

As someone has said up-thread please get some counselling/therapy. I know you see that the problem is "them" (your SIL, the friends, etc) but what is actually causing pain for you - and has the potential to cause pain for your DC - is extreme emotional response to other people's relatively normal decisions.

And FWIW, I never invited a cousin to a birthday party, never went to a cousin's birthday party, never stayed overnight at a cousin's house, never had a cousin stay overnight at my house, never went on holiday with cousins, saw them 3 or 4 times a year, and as adults we are quite close (though still do none of those things!)

Can you adopt a child?

We're a ND family, and I understand the hurt you feel from the rejection.

I'm in a similar situation (have an only, my one sibling has an only and we have no other family), but I'm further down the road than you.

Mine is now in late teens, and niece is at GCSE stage and there has barely been any contact between them since they moved to Secondary School.

This isn't because of any kind of falling out or distancing between the adults, it's just been the natural progression of their relationship as they go through puberty and navigate high school.

So what I'm trying to say is that even if the kids were best friends now, it's highly likely that this wouldn't continue to be the case as they get older (for one or both cousins).

Hopefully they will find their way back to each other as adults.

Also, it took a long time for my dc to find their 'tribe' but now they have and they have a group of wonderful (also ND) friends.

No tips for doing it as an adult as I am yet to master that one! I wish you luck.

They have their reasons clearly and it’s probably really upsetting. I had a cousin do the same thing but now our kids are teenagers and they’re so close and she practically begs for them to hang out as my teen is the better behaved one. They’re very close now. However, I think you handled it wrong. Leading the family group and blocking them is childish. You should have tried to have a conversation about it. If they weren’t open to the conversation and didn’t want to divulge what the issue was, then you could have just taken the hint and carried on without making a scene.

Sleepovers are less of a thing in this day and age. And I wouldn’t be packing my child off to Blackpool with family we don’t see that often either so I don’t think either of those two options really tell you much other than they may not agree with overnight stays and that is absolutely fine. Nothing personal.

I think their child probably has plenty of friends and when you all see each other the kids play nicely but ultimately for the cousin they don’t really need to put much into this relationship as they have an already full circle. That’s just life. My child is now at school, numbers are limited she invites who she wants to her parties, not cousins just by default and not my friends kids just because I’m friends with their parents. It’s about the child and who they want there

You're such a martyr and I still think your husband is awful!

I wouldnt let my child stay for days or go on holiday with someone else whether they were family or not. You arent close, you only see them a few times a year so why would you expect to take their child for so long?
Some people just like their children with them and tbh you seem really overly emotional and angry with extremely high expectations of other people and you obviously struggle with social situations, so I wouldnt feel comfortable with that. You're still denying that they've done nothing wrong and seem to think being blood means something..... it doesnt.

It’s not that normal for a 7 year old these days. In 1995 yes, but now people are more cautious in general about their kids.

I have to ask...what is the Jane Eyre option?? Getting engaged to BiL despite him being married to mentally ill SiL (who these days would be on a year long urgent psych team waiting list rather than locked in the attic probably)?

For Boxing Day can DH nit make 2 trios??

Think about this from your SIL point of view. It’s very intense to be someone’s only social connection. That is the word that comes to mind most about this thread - intense.

I would find my SIL describing me as her sister too much and I like her very much, but she’s not my sister.

Im not ND and one of my kids recently has an incident in school that I had a big emotional reaction to, but I realised it was because it reminded me of my life and checked myself.

Maybe you find that harder due to ND? Is there any way you can get help with that?

It also seems that you are struggling with previous rejection. I knew someone who was badly bullied, I was happy to be friendly with her but she made everything very difficult but constantly giving out about things she perceived as rejection. People are often happy to be kind but they want to have fun socially not constantly feel a weight of obligation.

You’re also recovering from cancer which is huge and your putting your body under stress which can’t be good.

Take the advice on this thread, it’s good advice. Nothing abnormal about a 7 year old having a party with school friends.

Not really on the subject, but PIL should really help you and DH with the cost of exchanging your current car for a 7 seater. It is not acceptable for you to be left at home on Boxing Day year after year.

You may not get to the bottom of what is going on with BIL & SIL, but it may not be as simple as you think.

Your DD should have a birthday party with her friends too. We've done plenty of parties at home with 5 to 10 children, it doesn't need to cost very much.

I hope your daughter isn’t damaged by what happened yesterday because she has witnessed her own mother stomp off upstairs, and then her dad upset when the guests left? She has witnessed or heard all of this. Poor child.
You have been given excellent advice on this thread but you have been antagonistic and abusive to people if you haven’t agreed with their advice or opinion. I think you need to seek therapy as you have many deep seated issues. I would be cringing about my behaviour if I were you.

This is quite simple OP.

The cousin and their parents have lots of close friends. Their daughter is busy playing with her close friends at the weekends.

You and your child don't have friends and so you are putting pressure on this family relationship to fill the gap that you have.

It is very normal for cousins to see each other a couple of times a year and for birthday parties to just be with school friends. Even if they were closer, many people wouldn't invite a cousin to a party where they only know the birthday child because it is easier if everyone knows each other.

The answer is for you to work on facilitating friendships for your child rather than putting pressure on family to fill the gap.

OP, your DH's family sound pretty awful. It's not so much the excluding you from a party, but lying then turning up at your house the next day is weird.

Lives are so busy these days, few adults have time to facilitate play dates. Are there any affordable hobbies your dc could do, like scouts? Somewhere your dc can enjoy being with friends without the pressure of you constantly assessing whether the other parties are as invested as you.

I understand you're worried but try not to project your own hurts onto your daughter. She is her own person and deserves her chance at carving her own paths to friendships etc. Friendship is very much something you can't engineer or push for someone else.
If it happens, it will on its own but no amount of you trying to "set her up" for friendship will work, in fact it's likely to backfire.

I disagree. You’re being excluded from a family Christmas gathering. Why can’t your PILs help with the cost of a bigger car that everyone can fit into?

I never invited any kids to my house when mine were in primary school. I avoided at all costs 😆. They spent 5 days a week with them .
They are all teens and doing just fine.
Maybe stop putting so much pressure on yourself to make friendships for your dd.
My parents also never did this for me or my siblings . And we did just fine.
Evenings and weekends your child can do activities with you .
Trust me when I say once they hit 13 the latest they won't want to as much at all. So just embrace these few years to have mini adventures and do hobbies/crafts outings . Without feeling you need another child involved.

I have autism. That’s why I don’t have mum friends.

OP there is a similar dynamic between my 7YO and her also 7YO cousin. I didin't invite cousin to dd's party this year. Part of the reason for this is because SIL makes minimal effort to let the girls have contact for the rest of the year despite my best efforts. The main reason though is that in dd's reception year they turned up an hour late for my dd's birthday party. She had lots of her little school friends who were just getting to know her. I'd hired an entertainer who was trying his best to engage my dd. Dd spent half the party pouting and refusing to join in because cousin wasn't there and ignoring all her friends and she spent the other half following cousin about like a lapdog and ignoring her friends. I don't hold it agains SIL but no way am I having a repeat of this! We just go out for a quiet meal with cousins now. The party is for friends especially as she now chooses just a small group of friends not the whole class. The dynamics between friendship groups in little girls is difficult enough without complicating it any more. It's never really been an issue but frankly I don't care if it is. I'm doing what I think is best for my child. Yes it upsets me that my daughter would love to be closer to this cousin but in laws aren't interested in facilitating it. No I won't 'go nuclear' on my SIL because tbh that's immature, she has the right to choose who she wants her dd to socialise with and I'm honestly just too busy to deal with the nuclear 'fallout'. When my dd begs to see her cousin I explain as diplomatically as I can that it isn't just my choice and that cousin has a mum and dad who also have to be free for them to play. I also explain that she has plenty of friends etcetc. She still adores her cousin when they meet but I think she's starting to get the hint. No hard feelings. No blocking on social media cringe just 2 families doing what they think is right

Sorry but you sound very rigid in terms of what a “family relationship” should look like. You’ve decided the cousins should be besties and you’re massively offended that your SIL and BIL don’t feel the same. Other people are allowed different views. It isn’t on them to make you and your DC feel accepted.

You sound very full on and unable to read people. They rejected your offer to have their DC, to take her on holiday, etc but you continued offering. Accept that they were politely saying no thanks. You made it awkward by not getting the message and continuing to push them to agree to your offers to have DC. Read the room!

Your storming off, sulking and blocking them sounds like the behaviour of an overly dramatic teenager. Yes, it is upsetting when people reject your advances, but they’re not obliged to give you the relationship you want. You keep talking about being rejected and you saw them/their DC as your chance to have acceptance. You keep comparing other people you know who are close to their cousins or ILs or whoever. It’s not helpful to think like that. They don’t want the relationship you want. Unfortunately that is life.

Clearly they anticipated this type of reaction from you, hence trying to keep the party from you. Your reaction says everything about why. Learn to adapt, stop trying to force things to be how you want, stop judging them, stop with the childish overreactions. It must be really embarrassing for your DH. You’re not setting a good example for your DC.

Invariably my DC weren’t always invited to things. From good friends, or so I thought sometimes. Yes of course it hurt. Inside I was crying, but outwardly I smiled and said to my DC “oh well, they probably had to keep numbers down, don’t worry about it. It’s not personal”. You’ve done the complete opposite and are teaching your DC to adopt the role of victim.

@DeathStare

Assomeone has said up-thread please get some counselling/therapy. I know you see that the problem is "them" (your SIL, the friends, etc) but what is actually causing pain for you - and has the potential to cause pain for your DC - is extreme emotional response to other people's relatively normal decisions

This is probably the key takeaway from this thread and good advice.

Your reaction to this situation ultimately is about you, your unprocessed feelings of rejection and social difficulties.

This deserves compassion but as a parent you don’t have the luxury of acting this unresolved stuff out every time you have a social interaction which doesn’t live up to your expectations. You have a duty to model calm and emotionally mature behaviour to your child.

For both of your sakes, get some professional help with these extreme reactions. If you can’t then recognise that you need to take a step back and take a beat before reacting. If you allow yourself to react like this you are sending a very damaging message to your child.

There’s something here if neither your or DH have a single friend…are you both not very outgoing or don’t do small chat etc?

none of your offers for DC to hang out were weird I grew up around all my cousins and we are very close. I do think your DH would benefit from having an open honest conversation with his sister. Just 121 to find out what the issue is.

have you thought about joining a group likes book club or walking group etc. friendship and conversation and connection take practice and if it’s something that’s important to you especially as a skill for you own daughter you have to practice.

lots of people out there are lonely and want friends but don’t realise you have to put in effort. And sometimes go out when you can’t be bothered. Community is inconvenience!

this is an all round sucky situation OP.

I also grew up an only child so recognises the importance of making an effort with family

People with autism can have friends, please don’t let your daughter grow up thinking that neurodivergence is a barrier to making friends.

It can cause additional challenges though. If your daughter is struggling to make friends at school, have you spoken to school about offering your daughter additional support?