To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

Is there any chance that your DH sister's husband could be controlling and limiting contact between her and her family? Sounds like a horrible situation, especially when she has very little contact with her own parents

You said you asked for her to stay the summer. That's not a few days.

But. A lot of parents don't want their kids doing sleepovers, much less days away from home or holidays away without their parents. I would say that's a norm at that age.

You push when you should back off. Their saying no to invitations is their right as a parent. You're not going to be able to force a relationship. You're going to have to look elsewhere and one way you can do that is encourage your child's interests. Enroll them in a sport. Have them do Brownies. An art class. I supplied stuff for bracelet making and T shirts and stamps and fabric paints so they could make their own t shirt designs for parties. But you're going to have to make an effort.

Stop it! Stop it! Please stop it!

For the 10 millionth time, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

Inviting cousins/nieces for holidays and to stay is not unreasonable or objectively outside the form. That’s you projecting your own disapproval if OP’s actions on to her in-laws reaction. For all we know the only issue is less about the nature of the invites themselves but more to do with their feelings towards OP.

Yes OP is very intense and not taking the hint but they could also open their mouths and speak up if they want to shut down further requests.

I don't think it's reasonable requests, especially when they haven't seen each other for months. Someone you haven't seen for months wants you to send your kid to theirs for multiple days, what? That makes no sense. Of course they'll say no.

Just to say the friend situation doesn't sound too dire! What are you expecting? Once every couple of weeks is a lot for one child, and if the other parents 'drop and run' so what- you are facilitating your child's friendships not your own right? Some people don't return playdates so much.
Perhaps if you are worried about messing things up just try to be less intense. Let your daughter join some clubs and activities where she can make friends.
I wouldn't send my 7 year old for sleepovers or holidays with my brothers family btw and we are quite close and most of her friends from school are not allowed sleepovers (families we are very friendly with go away with etc) so I don't feel your SIL saying no to this is anyway out of the norm. It's sad by 'going nuclear' you are essentially ruining any chance of a normal cousin relationship in the future because they can't match your expectations.

I agree, a play date every other week is a normal frequency.

keep doing play dates , so long as your DD enjoys them. I’d also suggest Brownies or some other out of school activities so that she can make friends.

focus on little and often opportunities for your DD to make friends, and the party invites will naturally start rolling in.

a cousin 45 minutes away should never have been the primary focus for friendship building. I have an only, and when he was young I just put a lot of effort into hosting play dates and booking really good parties. It’s just what you need to do if they have no siblings

Why is not seeing each for months what makes it weird? Isn’t it that OP has told us that they don’t like her that it sounds weird rather than the distance between seeing each other?

I mean kids need someone to play with most days. Not once a fortnight. I’ve been the kid who mostly had nobody to play with and it’s awful.

And my aunty used to take me to her house for a couple of days 3x a year, I never felt like she was a stranger because I hadn’t seen her for a few months. I don’t think it’s weird to visit your family after not seeing them for a while?

Also it wouldn’t have been months if they were not refusing all contact between the girls for no obvious reason.

OP I understand how hurtful it is. I'm (suspected) ASD, my son has ASD, and the pain of desperately wanting them to have friends / close bonds with other kids, and seeing them not materialise, is horrible, especially as you've gone through it yourself and know how crushing it is. I do get it. And with family it must be even harder.

But you do need to deal with it more positively. Yes, you have the right to feel bitter and angry and resentful, but do that in private, away from your daughter. Don't cultivate this "woe is me, everyone hates us" attitude in her. It won't do her any favours. So she's ND - does she know that? Can you explain to her something like "Some kids click with lots of people, others find just a few really good friends. You don’t need to be friends with everyone - you need people who get you”. Or "It’s really sad when someone doesn’t want to be our friend anymore, and it’s okay to feel upset about it. Friendships don’t always last, but that makes space for new ones". Boost her self-esteem. She is a great kid who will find her people eventually. That way you aren't lying to her. But you're reframing it a little. Saying "fuck them, we want nothing to do with them, they're shit people, it's us against the world" might feel righteous at the moment but it won't do your daughter any favours down the line.

It sounds like you and your in-laws had very different expectations of what a family relationship meant, and this resentment has been festering for a while. Let them go, that's fine. You can't force the relationship. But if you go nuclear be aware it might sour the relationships with your PILs.

Your socio economic groups are quite far apart and that may have something to do with it.

I'm thinking of my family... my kids always had their cousins at birthday parties and vice versa...BUT, we're a very close family.

I'm very close with my sister..6 months would never go by without seeing each other. We speak every day.. or at least 2 days don't pass without us speaking.

I doubt that your husband and his sister are that close and you can't force the cousin relationship.

So I understand that you're upset, but the closeness has to be with the siblings in the first place.

Can I ask if the kids are the same gender?

Also it wouldn’t have been months if they were not refusing all contact between the girls for no obvious reason.

Except they haven’t done that, the girls just saw each other today….. you are being hysterical now

I was just thinking.. does SIL's DH have siblings and therefore their child has cousins on his side of the family?

I ask because my DC have cousins on both sides, but aren't close to the paternal cousins.

It could be that she doesn't need her child to have a relationship with your child, as much as you want.

Plus..I go back to the financial gap. If you've never been able to afford a party in 7 years for your child, she may see you guys differently. Some people are a bit more judgemental in that way.

Don't they play together in school? No one does playdates 'most days' so perhaps your expectations are a bit off. We do see school friends in gymnastics/brownies etc so perhaps get her involved with this type of thing. Working parents can't arrange such frequent things and often want to spend time as a family on weekends. Perhaps their daughters are doing clubs/music/sports etc after school.

I think the sleepovers issue has changed a lot between our generation and now. People are just more cautious especially with girls. This is just what I've noticed from DDs group and I don't take it personally.

Why is your DC excluded by others? Is it their behaviour?

Is there a reason your don't have mum friends?

I don't mean to be hurtful.. but if you're always being excluded..it may be time for some self reflection. You seem to be the common denominator.

I’m not good at this and it’s a constant struggle trying to navigate what you’re supposed to do. If I screw it up by being me then DC loses the friend.

I think you’re putting far too much pressure on yourself to facilitate friendships for your DD. Children make their own friends, all you need to do is be supportive and if your DD would like to ask someone over to play, say yes and let them get on with it. Don’t stress about whether the playdate is reciprocated, it’s not a big deal ( unless the parent is constantly dumping their child on you while they run errands, for example).

Your DD sounds fine, she has friends at school and she’ll make more. Don’t worry so much. 💐

You've said a few times that one parents and grandparents are dead, you have no one left as an only child.

Your child will hopefully grow up and have a family of their own.. children, grandchildren, inlaws etc

An only child can go on to have a large family.

Families come in all shapes and sizes.

Some are close, others, not so much. Some think they're close, but it's very superficial.

I'm close to all my siblings and lived with each of them at various stages as an adult. People have said, they could never do that and have said it's weird that were so close.

You need to accept that, your husband and his sister aren't that close...meaning the cousins won't be either.

It could also be that SIL isn't that keen on you, for whatever reason or you're just not her kind of person. Truthfully, I'm not overly keen on my SIL... and would prefer to keep her at a distance.

I didn't expect a sister in marriage. I have 2 and don't need or want anymore.

Being welcomed in a family is one thing, expecting a sister or sister like relationship is another.

It's obvious that you and SIL are very different individuals.

Some Inlaws are great friends, but you do seem intense and many people will back away from you. You barely see SIL as it is, so you're not losing much.

A few things jump out at me about your posts.

1. It is your BIL who said that it was too much for your SIL to visit your PIL because it ate into his weekend. She therefore shortened the visit and shortened it further until it is non existent. Your DC doesn't get invited to a party and is told to keep it a secret. You have now stopped contact. You and DH are ND. SIL is now fully isolated from her family. Have you stopped to check if SIL is ok? Is she being deliberately excluded from her family because her husband is abusive and instead of recognising the signs, you think she is being a bitch?

1. Boxing day. Wow. Just wow. You are excluded EVERY YEAR because your PIL can no longer travel. How absolutely appalling of both your DH and PIL to leave you on your own at this time. You are misdirecting your anger at SIL in this matter. Have you always been a people pleaser because this behaviour is not on, even if you are the one to suggest it. Where are your parents at this time? If around trip taxi costs the best part of £200 and your PIL know this AND it happens EVERY year, why are they not putting £20 away every month to pay for the trip instead of expecting you to stay behind so they go for free? Just unacceptable on their part and on the part of DH for allowing it.

1. It was not ok for SIL to come to her parents every year and for BIL not to see his parents on Christmas when he is an only child. Now that the opposite is happening you feel excluded but the reality is that your SIL has extended the invitation but you don't go because your PIL won't budget for getting there. There are two alternatives here - (1) you host alternative years and BIL parents come too or (2) you all have individual Christmas and decide on say the weekend between Christmas and New Year to have a family Christmas. This should mean that either you all go to PIL/yours/SiL for lunch or whatever or book a lunch out so everyone travels. As it's not a premium day, the taxi should be cheaper for your PIL to get to SIL.

1. I think you might be overthinking the friendship thing and maybe making it a bit hard work. My kids have plenty of friends at school and I just offer playdates. It doesn't often get returned but I view this as not being about me. Other parents are busy. I will have chit chat at the school gates but don't expect to be going for coffees etc. my kids also only have 3 cousins, 2 of whom are ND. I don't have the kids over now because their parents refuse to parent and give me pertinent medical information to keep their children safe while under my care so I could prevent day trips turning into emergencies that could otherwise have been easily prevented. All of the kids are rude and there is an expectation that I will pay for and organise day trips for them and have them for sleep overs and in 21 years, my SIL has had my child once and that was only because I had to ask as I was desperate for childcare for 4 hours. Some people are just too wrapped up in their own lives to add anyone else into the mix - you just haven't found your tribe yet.

1. You say you have cut off your family (but I don't know who as you are an only child and still speak to your parents) and now you are cutting off SIL. Gently, could your reactions to situations be one of the reasons you find yourself in this situation?

1. Make peace with your situation otherwise it's going to live rent free in your head and turn you into a bitter person. Either tackle it with SIL head on and explain how hurt you have been at her behaviour. She will either own it or she won't. Alternatively decide you will never raise it, she will continue her behaviour and accept you won't have the close connection you crave.

1. Join some clubs on your own and for your child. Friendships will form with time.

Good luck OP.

That was what struck me reading through the OP's posts. SIL's DH doesn't like wasting his whole weekend with the ILs, so they go there and back in one day instead. Then the visits get shorter and further apart, and the Christmas arrangements changed to favour BIL's parents. Now a wedge has been driven between SIL and her family, by arranging a secret birthday party that the child then mentions to those excluded (because what young kid is good at keeping secrets about something so exciting?). It may indeed be that SIL is a bitch, but alternatively she may be being isolated from her family by her husband. Either way, it's not the kid's fault, and cutting contact entirely punishes the cousins for things entirely out of their control.

I read all your posts and you seem like a completely reasonable person to me.

It would have been unreasonable to have sat there pretending everything is okay! I hope they feel mortified at being found out. And you didn’t even lose your shit, you just removed yourself.

They don’t seem to care about anyone but themselves so fuck em. Lying to you and coaching their child to lie says a lot about their characters.

I would concentrate on the good ones from now on. You have a lot of love to give by the sounds of it so channel that energy into the family you do have - DP, DS and PILs. That’s more than a lot of people.

I wouldn’t worry about the cousins thing. I haven’t known anyone that takes much stock of who their cousins are as adults, apart from the odd polite catch-up at a wedding or funeral.

Personally I’d still go to the family Christmas - again, fuck em. Let them feel awkward and enjoy your turkey.

So you " went nuclear " but didn't actually ask them why your DC wasn't invited ?
Really ?

I know you say you can’t fit all in the car but unless your PIL is taking up two cars seats then I’m sure you could squeeze in for a 45 min journey. It’s not 3 hour journey. We’ve all had to wedge ourselves in a car at some point to get somewhere, especially if it’s somewhere you really want to go. As long as everyone’s got a seat belt then it would be fine. Maybe they think it’s odd you don’t just get in a 5 seater car for a short journey?

It does sounds harsh that they’re not taking you up on the offers of looking after their DC and seeing them but honestly I think you need to chill a bit. My cousins dont invite my kids to their kids parties all the time, it’s just what happens as they get older. They don’t see each other all the time but when they do, it’s still magical. That’s almost the joy of cousins. Not all families are like TV families but closeness can come from the moments a few times a year. It can’t be forced.
If they want to have not regular contact then that up to them, don’t spoil it for your child and husband by making those few moments very awkward. Sometimes you have to just enjoy what you have with people.
X

I'm sorry but in what planet is leaving a group chat and sitting upstairs in a huff "the nuclear option"?

It's not even the Jane Eyre option