To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

@Pouticel are you at least able to reframe &/ or acknowledge that having a class only party is normal and not rejecting your DC?

Drop it already OP, stop being so utterly pigheaded. Your toxic behaviour is unbearable.

Well you’re fortunate because there’s nobody who would step up for me or DH. When we got married we didn’t have a bridesmaid or best man because we had nobody to ask. And even our own family apparently doesn’t want us.

Who can you trust and rely on if not your own flesh and blood?

The person who had let your daughter down most of all is you. Your behaviour today. Your absolute refusal to compromise to social norms. Your way of putting yourself first and the rest of the world second.

Forget yourself. You are not the child here. Look after your daughter. Invite a friend around for her. Then invite two. Then plan a party. Then another.
Choke down self pity. Get on with being a parent. After you have a child, then you are no longer number one. You are the support act.

"Yes, my family is awful. Hence why I’ve gone no contact with them."
I can't tell if you have a relationship with your family or not?

I agree SIL actions have been unkind. Hard to know why, probably didn't suit them anymore, some people are more wedded to family than others. Better to take the high road in these situations, just don't bother anymore.

Difficult to know what to say to your daughter though. Id put that cousin energy into helping her make friends. The birthday/Christmas money for her cousin could help to too. Maybe have a little party, a tea party with just a few girls? Join clubs outside of school maybe. It's hard, making friends with other mums is easiest way. I have an autistic child and we struggled with friendships when he was little, but he's 18 now and has lots of friends. I had to help him when he was younger though.

It wouldn’t be such a problem if they hadn’t constantly rejected every single invitation or attempt to facilitate the girls spending time together. This is just the last straw.

Is your DH autistic as well? Just wondering as his input to this situation seems to be very passive.

You do need to put effort in to making friends. Do you speak to anyone st the school gate? Could you arrange a play date that way?

And there’s an issue - you’re putting so much pressure on the relationship with your in laws because you feel you haven’t got other support in your lives. It’s not their responsibility - they have their own lives and it sounds like they make what effort they can. You cutting them out will only harm your child here.

I say this kindly, as a fellow diagnosed autistic person, but you don't get "chosen" to be someone's friend and it doesn't involve "luck". You have to work on friendships. And sometimes that involves challenging your own preconceptions of things etc I think your mindset is hurting you and your child 😔 I used to think like you when I was much younger. My autistic mother sounds very similiar to you, and she now has nobody left in her life who wants to know her 😔

Aghhhh

I give up @Pouticel

We are trying to help you see things from other perspectives but you are entrenched in your victim mentality.
It seems that you are doing far more harm to your DC than your SIL / BIL.

I hope one day you will be able to reflect on how you have reacted to this and pivot to a healthier and positive mindset

I really hope you can learn something from this thread and change your behaviour OP.

You can’t be serious.

Your requests were unreasonable.

You said you asked them for her to stay with you for the summer. Why would you think that's ok? Then you asked them for her to go on a holiday with you? Meanwhile, you haven't seen them for months.

They're saying no because you're overstepping in your requests, they're outside the norm. They understand you're trying to force a relationship between your child and theirs due to rigid and extreme ideals about family and that's not coming from a good place, but from a place of feeling rejection so hard that you act out and go "nuclear" when you're told no. Your expectations and reactions are extreme.

You're going to have to make an effort elsewhere. Clubs, activities, music, get your kid involved with something they enjoy.

They have not rejected her they just don’t see her very often. They did come to your house to have a little celebration with her today!….. get over it

Agree, but I don’t think she will unfortunately

This is catastrophing, and you are passing it on. You are projecting your own framework of friendship and trying to put a black/white set of rules on your DNiece/nephew’s birthday. You’ve made it a ‘that’s the last straw’ issue over a kid having a school friends party and a subsequent family party. I’m sorry that your own trusted circle is small, but it’s not unhealthy - quite the opposite - that your BIL/SIL are seeking to consolidate their own village of friends for their child.

I have managed to arrange a play date with three girls.

The first girl came over once and invited DC back once. After that the mum made excuses and cut contact, I don’t know why. It broke my heart because DC was so thrilled to have a friend but I couldn’t keep her.

The second girl has come over a few times during the past year but never invited DC back. The parents are very much “drop and run”. There’s no effort from their side, if I don’t invite their DC then nothing happens. It has petered out a bit because it’s very one sided. I could invite her again and I’m sure her parents would drop her off but it’s 100% on me to facilitate the entire friendship.

The third girl has better parents, they’ve invited my DC in return and on a couple of occasions have stayed to chat politely for a few minutes. It’s not a close friendship, maybe once every couple of weeks, but it’s something. I’m constantly worried I’ll make a mistake and it’ll end.

I’m not good at this and it’s a constant struggle trying to navigate what you’re supposed to do. If I screw it up by being me then DC loses the friend.

I don’t see the issue with inviting a cousin to stay for a few days during the summer holidays? Or inviting her to come with us to Blackpool for the weekend? Is this wrong? It seems fairly normal to me.

You, your husband and your daughter are your family.
and your parents

for your husband, it is you and your daughter
and his sister that are his family
and his parents

his sister is only family to you by marriage, not blood.
your husband's niece is family to him, once removed by blood

his sister's child is only family to you by marriage, and once removed i.e. a different generation.

You have behaved very badly today whilst entertaining / hosting his family, then you threw a strop by all this removing on social media and hiding upstairs in a bedroom.

OP I think you should just ask your in-laws directly why they keep on turning down invitations.

I’m not good at this and it’s a constant struggle trying to navigate what you’re supposed to do. If I screw it up by being me then DC loses the friend.

Well then, good for you. Yes, it is a struggle. You are probably meeting people who are invisibly struggling too. Most of us are, one way or another. (I have to walk with a stick-I've had to since I was 21. I was the one who looked like a granny at the school gates.)
It doesn't matter about us. Put on an act. Pretend you are in a foreign country, with an unknown set of rules. Don't screw it up. If you do, iron it flat and start again. You are not alone in your feelings. One day, you'll meet another person more scared than you, and you will have to do the psyching up to them.

You have to do things for your DC that you wouldn't do for yourself. So does your DH. So do we all. Good luck. Be brave. Fake it till you make it, and remember loads of us are doing exactly the same.

You have behaved very badly today whilst entertaining / hosting his family

DH waited till they went home before he cried about his sister not giving a shit about him and DC. He has also tried many times to invite them and create a nice friendship for the girls, only to be repeatedly rejected. It makes me angry that they’ve upset him as well.

I can see why you’re upset. I remember when my sister’s child stopped inviting my child to their party. They were a similar age. I now accept that this is NORMAL in a lot of families, they simply move in different friendship circles from that age.

I’m sorry you had a lonely childhood. With kindness, you’re trying so hard to make this not be the case for your daughter (understandably) but you have gone at it too hard, like taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Pls be careful your child doesn’t hear you complaining about her not being invited or you’ll seriously damage her self-esteem by projecting your own insecurities & sorrows onto her which could possibly damage your own relationship with your daughter as she gets older.

There’s still a chance you could return to the group. Explain your history of feeling lonely as a child and why that made you desperately want things to be different. From their point of view, they still had a celebration with your daughter so won’t understand why you’re sulking.

Do you think you might be projecting your own insecurities about being an only child, and trying to force a sibling relationship between cousins? Do you think that could be what's making hour BIL and SIL distance themselves?

For the record I'm an only child. My family for the most part is my child and my husband and I'm okay with that. I don't see the point of having histrionics about when everyone around me is dead. There are plenty of people who don't talk to their siblings so it's not like I was deprived of a guaranteed close relationship with the siblings my mum chose not to give me

“There’s still a chance you could return to the group”

I don’t want to. They are not nice. If they’re only seeing us once or twice a year out of a sense of obligation then why bother at all. They’re not real family or friends.