To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

I’ve had this situation before. But my in laws went on a family trip to with all grandparents etc and then a cousin let it slip it was a secret. My child was so upset. I was infuriated at how anyone would want to exclude a child especially their family. I done the same. Told them I was angry and blocked them etc. we didn’t talk for a year.

However in hindsight what I should have done was ask them if there was an issue that they'd like to discuss because the relationship meant alot to us. I also wouldn’t cut things off for the children’s sake. It’s not their fault, so I’d leave an opening there for if and whenever they did want to engage. But maybe not mention them as much around my child so they didn’t expect to see them as much.

They’re supposed to love us - or at least love their niece - and they clearly don’t.
No, there is no rule book that says they are supposed to love you, or your DC.

Why will you not accept that it was a school friends party?

It was probably kept secret because of the chance of an extreme over reaction if it had been talked about in a normal way. Which is exactly what happened.
Your DC can't just have one friend, and that one her cousin. And never a birthday party with friends from school. She must feel that already.

ND or not, if you want her to have a normal, friendly childhood, you and your DH need to put yourselves second, and start planning for the next birthday. And Brownies and play dates and all the rest. You just have to. And, if it makes you feel any better, half the other parents you meet will stress and worry about parties and playdates and how they'll ever pull it off, or afford it, but the difference is that they will grit their teeth and get on with it, because it helps their kids.

@Pouticel
You've had loads of responses saying a 'class only ' party is completely normal.

This was a teachable moment for your DC that she won't always be invited to the party ...... And that's fine.

All the other stuff is you projecting massively and where you really need to reframe your thoughts. You cannot control your SIL.

I don't know because I think there are levels of love, it's not an all encompassing one size fits all thing. I definitely love some members of my family more than others. Some I feel nothing for and some I was totally taken aback by how much I loved them after they were gone. Same goes for friends I love some more than others but I feel some degree of something for all of them.

It's complicated and impossible to articulate, as I suspect I've just proved!

I honestly think you expect too much, some people lead very busy lives, lower your expectations and accept that they will just see each other 3-4 times a year and still be friends, it might be even better like that as then they might look forward to these visits more

Exactly! But the OP seems to have a fixed definition with the requisite obligations attached that she hasn't explained.

OP, I get that you might not understand social conventions if you are autistic, but there are so many people in this thread explaining over and over again that it's very common to have a party for school friends, and then a separate tea with family, and not invite family to the party with school friends.

You have not acknowledged anyone who has said this even though it's what most people are saying. Most people think you are being unreasonable and not understanding that their behaviour is completely normal.

Instead, you are continuing to play the victim and say that trying to explain the situation to your child would be lying.

I despair.

She shouldn’t expect a relationship with them just because they are family but they should expect her to raise their child in the event of an emergency because they are family.

Do you see the contradiction?

I didn’t have that option for medical reasons. Not everyone can have a second child.

@Pouticel there are going to be so many disappointments of various magnitudes for your DD as she grows up. You have to be able to be someone she can share it with, without it becoming about you.

DD3 has been terribly damaged by an experience at school. It completely derailed her education. She was a grade 8/9 student and now has had time completely out of school, has had to move schools, is a year behind and is not going to get more than a couple of GCSEs. I could easily wallow with her in the unfairness of it all, and I did allow her to have all her feelings. But we're almost 2 years on now, so I'm gently challenging the feelings that she was targeted and deliberately hurt because I genuinely don't think it was the case. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time and any child in that place at that time would have been treated the same. So we talk it through and I gently remind her that she wasn't hated, she was just seen as a threat.

You have the opportunity to change how your DD views this situation. It won't do her any good to think that her cousin was wrong for not inviting her, because she wasn't. She should not feel guilty for having a birthday party that didn't include her cousin, followed by a family gathering. You are projecting your feeling of rejection on to this situation. You can choose to stop that.

I have a lot of cousins, we saw a fair bit of each other when we were younger, used to stay at their houses for a time during the summers etc….not close to anyone of them now (no fallout) and never see them

@Pouticel why don't you just ask if there is a problem that you're unaware of/missing?

If you truly feel ready to walk away then surely you have nothing to lose? There might be something else going on that you're overlooking altogether

I think she wouldn't like the answer, and out of politeness they'd never give it.

DO you accept many children have parties just for school friends?
My children have about 35 cousins so there was never any way that parties would have been for family members too. Mine just had school friends.
I do understand you’re vulnerable given you clearly feel lonely from being an only child. I think looking at forging local relationships would be really beneficial.
I will add, I’m also autistic. But part of being ND is learning how other people think, just as other people should educate themselves on how we often react. I think you are being over sensitive and I think you overreacted. I think you set your dd a poor example by going upstairs.
I don’t suppose you’ll respond to this as you’ve not responded to my other comments but you do seem very blinkered and unwilling to accept other views.

“there are going to be so many disappointments of various magnitudes for your DD as she grows up”
I just didn’t expect family to be the source of that disappointment. I accept that other people will sometimes reject her but I didn’t expect her family to reject her. They aren’t a very good family tbh. Who can you trust and rely on if not your own flesh and blood?

Friends that you choose and who choose you through shared values, sense of humour, commonality re hobbies, lifestyles, political views, love of cake, fear of clowns, anything.

Blood links mean nothing compared to things that really matter when the chips are down.

If I were in crisis, and DP wasn't available, I'd call my best friend. She'd then deal with my family if necessary, but she'd be my first call. We chose each other.

People can do what they want. Just because lots of people do it doesn’t mean it’s nice.

Your kid has 35 cousins, fair enough they can’t be close with them all. My kid has 1 cousin, 1 aunt and uncle. Grandparents are extremely elderly and poor health so shortly that 1 cousin, aunt and uncle will be our only family, and they basically don’t want to know us. That essentially leaves us with zero family.

You come across as controlling, entitled, and desperate for drama. Your in-laws are probably keeping their distance because you smother every interaction with this kind of hysteria. If you keep carrying on like this, don’t be surprised when you isolate not only yourself but also your own child.
FFS, the only one destroying relationships here is you!!!

They have not rejected her.

They had a class only party and then a family gathering on separate days.

You are interpreting it as a rejection and massively projecting your own insecurities onto your DC.

You need to stop this harmful cycle now

It’s really not that deep to have a “friends” party and a family party for a 7 year old!! By that time they have cultivated friendships at school etc. inviting a cousin means that the birthday boy or girl has to kind of look out for the cousin who doesn’t know anyone. Having a friends party means that everyone knows each other and nobody gets left out.

We had big parties until they started school and then it started with the tradition of separating friends and family. My kids’ cousins do the same and so do we. Nobody gets offended - the birthday boy or girl gets two days of celebration!

You sound very precious and this attitude WILL affect your child negatively. How must they have felt with you storming upstairs? It’s childish and damaging.

But they chose to visit today to celebrate with you? That doesn’t sound like a family rejecting you?

Lucky you having a best friend. Not everyone has that. Not everyone gets chosen to be someone’s friend.

I should point out that she's often disappointed by people she considers family, I've spent 20 years pointing out that a cousin really isn't that close necessarily, and her brother is a prick, but just roll my eyes and step up. Because she's my friend. And she would for me.

Maybe, but I'm not sure from what you have said that you have tried and it is sad if that attitude is passing down to your daughter. I don't make many friends easily but the ones I do, stick.

OP, you sound like you have a real victim mentality - maybe it’s rejection sensitivity skewing your feelings, or main character energy or whatever.

It takes work to make friends and maintain friendships. You don’t just get “chosen”.