To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

But you're sitting upstairs in a huff whilst they're all enjoying cake together at your PILs? And you've deleted them of social media?
Instead of the alternative which is accepting what they've done re childs party is normal and stop expecting so much from anyone who might come under the title 'family.'
From your SILs POV her brother has married someone who is emotionally unstable with a weird fascination about her child and who invents relationships in her head.

I can only imagine the levels of eye rolling that went on when the OP went off in huff.

Op, the only person hurting here is you. Make some friends and move on.

He isn’t awful. It was my idea for him to take his mum to his sister’s house instead of me. We can’t both fit in the car and it means more to her. It’s called being kind.

Or passive aggressive.

@Pouticel You are more thoughtful than your SIL but you can’t change her, I’m afraid.
Just let it go and stop trying with them, you’ll feel so much better. 💐

@murasaki I don’t think it’s passive aggressive to make it easier for two elderly unwell people to visit their Dd and family on Boxing Day. Wouldn’t you do the same if there was limited car space?

Tbh, I’d enjoy being home alone with lots of yummy Christmas food. 😋

I have read your updates where you say you’re neurodivergent.
I think that you are right inasmuch as often neurotypicals don’t understand or even want to understand how an autistic brain works , and just find it strange and weird and often back off.
but equally you also need to understand how your neurodivergent brain works and how much this might be impacting your response to their repeated rejection of your advances.
i suggest reading as much as you can about rejection sensitivity dysphoria and consider counselling/ therapy with someone who is experienced in working with neurodivergent people.

Oh no, they came to my home. Ate my food and enjoyed my hospitality. Until I found out they’d had a secret party that they’d hidden from PIL and us and DC. And DC got upset about not being invited like every other year, which was very hurtful for me to see. So I said to DH I can’t look them in the face and be civil because they’ve upset my child and they clearly don’t give a shit about us, I’m going upstairs out of their way and I’m done with them.

And it’s not unreasonable or weird in any way to make an effort to facilitate friendships for your child. Or to support the friendship by offering play dates etc. What is weird is to constantly refuse to let your child play with their cousin for no apparent reason.

Not a helpful thread overall.

Loads of people telling an autistic person to ‘grow up and communicate’ or scolding her for ‘all or nothing’ thinking.

So you don’t understand the limitations an autistic person has (or don’t care).

Exactly.
I think the mass deleting probably feels incredibly dramatic and fuck you-ish to the people involved but if they're anything like me then they won't even have noticed. Or be bothered.

But are you trying to facilitate friendships with other children besides the cousin? You haven't answered that.

But the rational response would be to say to your child 'Sometimes there isn't enough space for everyone and Isobel had a friend party this time. This is our special family party.' Instead, you left your child to get on with it and your DH to make polite conversation.

I suspect that if you weren't so intense about it all, nobody would have felt the need to have hidden anything.

This!

OP I think you’re right to stop chasing after a relationship with them. Don’t waste your precious time and energy on people who clearly can’t be bothered.

Do you really think it would be more helpful for everyone to tell her that her reaction is perfectly normal and in the best interests of her husband and daughter, then?

I do my best. Not very successfully. I’ve never managed to create friendships for myself so it’s really hard to do it for my child. I accept when rejection comes from others because I’ve had a lifetime of it. I didn’t expect it from family though. They’re supposed to love us - or at least love their niece - and they clearly don’t.

Or are also neurodivergent and think she's just.... wrong?

Some of us will be autistic ourselves. But we have to find ways of recognising when we have let our sense of rejection overpower our rational thought processes and develop coping strategies.

I have 3 children with ASD. I spend my whole life helping them to navigate these situations - it's their only hope of surviving society.

They aren't supposed to, at least not the sister. She didn't choose you.

Does your kid have friends, classmates she mentions more than others? Maybe invite one of them to tea after school as a start? It's worth a try she deserves a chance.

Why should I say something untrue to pacify my child? When the truth is that her aunty and uncle have repeatedly rejected all contact with her and rejected the opportunity for her to be friends with her cousin. Then they turn up for a couple of hours and expect me to play nice and pretend it’s ok.

No. If they don’t want her to be friends with their child then that’s fine, but in that case they need to piss off completely. Not keep her hanging on saying she misses her cousin, and asking when she can see her, and blaming me for not taking her up to visit, and crying because she isn’t invited to her party.

I have an autistic family member and I love them with all my heart. If OP hadn't mentioned they were autistic I'd have guessed because a lot of their phrasing and fixation are very similar to my loved one.

But I'd still say every word I've said here to them irl, including the fact that they must be giving themselves a headache.

I don’t expect them to love me. I don’t give a shit. But they should love their niece. It’s awful that they don’t.

I have read all your updates OP and I definitely see that you are feeling really hurt. My daughter and I are autistic and I do empathise with some of what you’re saying but I think you have overlooked a couple issues. First is that you are extremely black and white. Cousins can have many different relationships and don’t need to see each other regularly to feel close. The other is that - as far as you’ve said anyway - you have no idea what this cousin actually wanted for her party. It would be a very different issue if she asked to include your daughter and her parents refused.

(also you and your husband should just sell your car and get a bigger one. I have a zafira and it’s brilliant for this sort of thing)

My kids don’t have any first cousins and have no memories of their second cousins. We immigrated before they were born and haven’t really seen our extended family since. I do think about how eventually they’ll only have that connection with each other and get a bit worried about it… but then I remember that there’s literally millions of potential futures and how do I know which thing is the most worrying. I personally think you can save the energy you’re spending on worrying about this and focus on how to create found family for you and your daughter. Does she have any clubs she enjoys? Could you join a parent child tennis club or little picking volunteer groups or find a craft class to try? Or any other of the many, many options. You cannot create the relationship you’re imagining - personally I think it’s needlessly dramatic to storm off but it doesn’t really matter - they aren’t what you need and you should try to find that elsewhere.

Because your child will be more hurt by your reaction than they were by finding out that there was a party. You could have said anything. "Oh, it was far too far to go on a week night, DD", or "We're having a special party now", or "The party was school friends only this time".

Your upset shouldn't be your DD's problem and your SIL didn't owe your DD an invitation.

I know that you won't believe this but they probably do love her to some degree. They just don't express it in ways that you would like them to.

I don't agree. I like my nieces even when they are being the typical bratty kids of their age. I find them quite fun and interesting on occasion, but love? I don't know. You'd need to define what you mean by love for me to answer that.

I do like the effect that having them has had on my sister though, she's way more amusing now than she was.

If you were so worried about your kid not having anyone after you have gone, why didn't you have two kids? You seem to be obsessed with your DC having someone to play with.