To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

Given you feel this way, YABU to cut your child off from their cousin over a party. You’re making it about you, not them, and cutting off a relationship that is currently strong. Yes maybe the parents were thoughtless, but don’t remove your child from this relationship!

Hang on a sec, how can you say that you/your DC don't have any family in one breath and that you see your parents regularly in the next?

So it’s not just your ILs that exclude you, but others too?

Given the OTT reaction you describe to the party exclusion (which as many others have said, is perfectly normal for a cousin by age 7), and your follow up comments, I think I can see why people might not choose to be friendly with you, and even go out of their way to distance themselves.

I can understand why you feel so upset, I really can. I think though it’s worth remembering that before long the cousins will be able to decide for themselves when to meet and control their own relationship. So I would probably try not think of it too much as being about you or them, and keep possibilities open for the future.

I think your reaction sounds extreme and unhelpful but I do sympathise, and I know it can be hard. I am glad you are recovering, it must have been a really difficult time and it would have been nice if they’d been more supportive. I am sorry they aren’t and I hope the cousins will build their own relationship in the future.

I was surprised to hear they only live 45 mins drive away, I mean many people do further than that daily to school or work. Most people probably for work. It sounds like there is no easy public transport route though if a short drive is going to take 2-3 hours. Also I wonder about taxi cost, because I would have though a mini cab booked in advance wouldn’t be quite that much, but it’s all by the by I guess.

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Honestly you have really overreacted here, sorry but your response is not normal. I used to have family and cousins at DS birthdays when he was little, but once he reached school age it’s really just school friends, no family. We often just have a small family gathering on another day.
I can also tell you I have never been to a school friends party which has family attending, it’s literally school friends. It’s the norm. Your niece is that age now.

They've been doing this for hours now. I'm amazed that they haven't given themselves a migraine.

If you held some parties for your child, they might have friends and not need the cousin. As said, it can be done cheaply at that age. You need to encourage your child to be less insular as it clearly isn't making you happy.

OP, she’s not your sister. She is DH’s sister which is an entirely different thing. You are overly romanticising that relationship & putting enormous pressure on it.

You seem to have a huge amount of rejection sensitivity which I’m sure you know is common when you are ND. My advice would be to work on it and past events you have felt as rejection rather than dumping all of that emotion of DH’s family and hyper focusing on a 7 year old who likely just had a party with their school friends which in my experience is what most kids do anyways.

I don’t think arranging parties magically makes friends materialise. In fact I think you need to already have the friends in order to invite them to the party?

OP - I think a lot of people can see why this couple have distanced themselves from you.

i would suggest you look into counselling to allow you to overcome the hear feelings, and understand where they came from.

it is important that you model reliance and boundaries m for your child. You are not healing with this in an emotionally mature way.

Well frankly I’d expect your husband to take you when he goes, especially over the Christmas period, and especially with the DC. He can always take his parents another time.

Or no one could go that particular day.

Why would you think youd have a sisterly relationship with your SIL?

Also why are you so fixated on family being everything and friends being so unimportant. For many people friends are family they have made or chosen for themselves and enjoy and love them for who they are. Family on the other hand are nothing more than random humans with a genetic link, it doesnt mean you get on with them, trust them, love them or owe them anything. You have very unusual views that because someone shares a link through blood or marriage that they are much more important than a friend (ie someone who you've built an actual mutually beneficial, fun, loving relationship with.)

Invite kids from the school class. If you never invite you don't get invitations back. Thats how it works. There will be parties, playdates etc going on that your kid could be going to if you just made a bit of effort and stopped thinking the world owes you and your kid friends. It doesn't. You have to work a bit at it.

You're not telling me that your kid doesn't speak to anyone at school, as I'm not buying that. Self pity gets you nowhere but deeper into the hole you are digging for yourself.

Have you felt rejected by people in the past? That might be effecting how you feel about this situation (understandably.) If you can separate the old hurt from this situation, is there a way to not go nuclear so that you can still have a relationship?
Albeit one that’s not as frequent as you would like. And try not to see that as ‘crumbs’ or a rejection, but just the level they choose to socialise.

This is also my experience.

I wouldn’t invite kids not in the class to the school party where they won’t know the other kids. That wouldn’t be fun for them.

This. All this.

@Pouticel You're clearly very hurt and upset, they don’t sound particularly kind people, not towards their own parents nor towards your DD.

Having said that, I’m an only child and had five cousins growing up. I never attended any of their birthday parties and they didn’t come to mine-we always invited our friends. Now that we’re older, however, we’ve become closer and do meet up when we can. We were all invited to one cousin’s milestone birthday this summer, for example (I couldn’t attend unfortunately but nice to be asked).

So it’s possible that your DD and her cousin will form their own bond in a few years without parental involvement.

In your shoes, I’d stop inviting them over for now and concentrate on your DH, DD, and your in-laws. Sometimes we have to accept that others don’t care about us and move on. I’m fond of my DH’s parents and siblings and we get on well when we’re together, but I let DH drive the relationships. If he/they organize a get together, fine, but I never take the lead. Ultimately, I love my children and my side of the family; I’m fond of his side and vice versa, but I don’t love them, iyswim.

On the contrary, I haven’t kicked off at all. I haven’t screamed or shouted or confronted. I haven’t demanded to know why they don’t want to see us or invest in developing a cousin relationship. I’ve simply removed myself from people who clearly don’t give a shit about me or my DC. I’ve removed them online and removed them from my life, silently, without making a fuss. My boundary is that I won’t continue caring or investing if they aren’t going to reciprocate and couldn’t care less, and I feel that’s perfectly reasonable.

Totally, going back to my post re hypothetically donating bone marrow to my sister who i don't like much right now, if I only had a limited amount, I'd rather give it to my best friend. Ideally both, but I'm afraid sis would be second on the list.

I think you are allowing your past experiences to feed into your child's current experiences and you should try not to.

I have an only child. She has two cousins on her dad's side who are a bit younger and she doesn't particularly like. She has no cousins on my side but does have five second cousins who she does like and the oldest few are close in age to her.

She has never invited any of them to her birthday parties and none of them have invited her to theirs. We see all the cousins and second cousins a couple of times a year (max two or three for each side of the family) at family things and DD occasionally goes for a bubble tea or a coffee with the one she likes best who lives close by. They are both at an age that this means no parents have to be involved in this.

I see my cousins now and again, once or twice a year, and that is normal.

I think your expectations are much too high and you should step back from this.

All the stuff about not being able to fit in the car is a bit strange but if you want to be included you need to go along to these things even if it does mean an uncomfortable car journey or using two cars.

Why not just invite the class or invite the same gender in the class. Thats what we do in our school.

It is perfectly reasonable when you say it like that but earlier you said you went nuclear.

Deleting people online etc is making a fuss. It’s overly dramatic and completely unnecessary.

Your husband's family (him included) also sounds awful, sorry

By nuclear I mean I’m not simping and playing nice, pretending everything is ok and sucking up the crumbs. I’ve just gone “Ok, you’ve made your decision - fuck you then”. And removed myself completely from their lives.