To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

Some people are not nice people. The families of these unpleasant people don't have to tolerate them.

What does 'supposed to' mean here? And why are you supposed to? You don't love yours, as you've said. So why should your DP's love you and your child?

No I’m just not selfish. I’m happy to make that sacrifice to enable two elderly people to see their daughter at Christmas and enable a little girl to see her cousin. MIL has cancer, do you really think I’d deprive her of seeing her daughter by whinging about spending a day alone?

I led a bit of a lonely existence with with my dc tbh always focused on others sharing days out together used to make me depressed and I wasn't outgoing at all which never helped but I'm proud of what my ds is now so don't worry op

Sorry OP but I think you sound very intense. I can completely understand that at 7 a child will be inviting friends they see regularly. It is really complex adding a child into the mix who only know the birthday child. 45 mins away is not like being just round the corner where you may have friends in common. I understand your view that parties are not something you can afford - but this also means there is no reciprocation if your child has been invited before. There are no rules about that - but maybe the little cousin has noticed. You are clearly really sensitive about feeling left out - and maybe you need to explore this with a counsellor so you don’t pass these feelings down to your DC.
Subtle distancing on the back of your disappointment would be reasonable - but it sounds as though you have been really dramatic and this will just make future interactions ( which are inevitable) much more difficult.

Sleep on it and then discuss with DH.

Sorry you are having a tough time OP. I note you mentioned that you currently don’t have a job due to breast cancer treatment but that you hope to start working again soon. Do you think your attitude to the importance of family connections has been coloured by your cancer diagnosis or have you always felt this way?

ETA - just noticed you mention MIL has cancer. Did I misinterpret your earlier comment about giving up work?

so by that view my father who ran off with another woman 10 years ago, never bothered to contact me, and doesnt even know my daughters full name.

he didnt actually do anything physically wrong to me, ever. just decided to leave my mum. in fact he was actually a fanatstic dad growing up. just decided to dip out my life.

im still supposed to love and like him? just because hes my dad?

no. just because someone is 'family' doesnt mean theyre owed anything.

I don’t love them any more after their behaviour. When I got married I was so pleased to have a new sister, but it turns out she’s an absolute bitch.

I don't think it's your place to sit in judgement on what other people do with their family just because it doesn't fit into your rigid set idea of what families should do and/or look like.

And yes I do care an awful lot more about my friends because they have been there for me at the best and worse times or my life unlike some people who are family only because we share a bloodline but have nothing in common and don't even really know or like each other all that much.

Also comparison is the thief of joy.

How often would you like to see them? My brother and his family live 2 hours away and we see each other every 1-2 months. I would have preferred more but it is too far.

She was never your sister. That's where you went wrong at the start, with unreasonable expectations. You've cut off your now family, so why is this family avoiding you such an issue?

MIL has blood cancer which is terminal but not fast moving. I had breast cancer which is not terminal, I am recovering and hoping to return to work next year.

I don’t think my diagnosis is relevant. As I said, when I married DH (years before being diagnosed) I was so pleased to have a sister because I’ve never had any family. But she and BIL clearly want less and less to do with us, which is increasingly disappointing now there are DC in the mix.

You’re being really intense. Everyone has their own lives going on. Why does it all have to be all or nothing? We can love our family and not be in each others pockets. I’m closer to my family but if we didn’t have much in common or they were draining I probably wouldn’t spend as much time with them. I’d still love them though.

The way you speak about her, i'm not surprised she has picked up on your feelings and wants nothing to do with it all. My DP's sister is not a 'bonus' sister, I already have two who are quite enough kerfuffle! She's ok, we speak when needed, e.g. birthdays, Xmas etc, planning things, as the men are rubbish, I can stand an evening in the pub with her but she's not even a friend and I'm sure she thinks of me the same way. We can get along as we're adults but we didn't and wouldn't choose each other.

And that is fine for both of us.

Overreaction and now you have possibly fully terminated any possibility of your DC having a relationship with them in the future, I think your own insecurities have gotten the better of you and have a lot to do with this behaviour

Maybe your DC and her cousin wouldn’t have been best friends and featured heavily in each others lives but it sounded like they were at least friends and enjoyed each others.company, you should have accepted this I think

Their child probably wanted school friends there and they felt like your child would be the only one who didn't know anybody.

Did you have a rough childhood? Just an idea but I have an over reaction to being rejected (or my children being rejected) too. I have had to work on it over the years. When they were young, it felt so overwhelming when they were left out and I felt so responsible, as I felt I wasn't good enough either. I'm now early 50s and my children are older teens, so it's much better and I've learnt to live and let live.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect to be accepted into the family you marry into. Lots of people are close with their in-laws. My mother goes out with her SIL every weekend.

I don’t know what you mean by saying I’ve cut off my now family? My mum and dad are my only family and I see them regularly. The only people I’ve cut off are SIL and BIL, after today when I realised they clearly don’t give a shit about us or our DC.

Not all in laws are close, in fact I would say most aren’t from what I’ve seen in my own family, we just tolerate each other

FFS @Pouticel you really need to stop judging everyone to your unachievable standards.

Every family is different.
You are focusing on aspects you have no control over.

I don't see my family for months on end because we live 4 hours away. I still love them lots

I think your BIL/SIL are acting entirely normally for a busy family who both work full time and value their spare time. Your DH and PIL needs to encourage them to travel to your area.

I read this as your biological family.

So actually you meant your SiL and BiL, apologies for misunderstanding. They aren't your family though, so it was easy to misread that as you having cut off your own family.

Now was a typo for own. I missed the editing time slot.

That would be great but they only bother with us once every six months now. And they live a lot closer than your brother, who clearly makes more of an effort.

Kids don't care who knows each other and who dosent
It's only adults that have these hang ups.
The parent should ask the child who they want to their parties, not make the decision for them.

The OP has honorable intentions by asking the cousin to sleep over and go away together.
That is how bonds are formed.
The parents are blocking a cousin relationship being formed.

I would deffo mention about the party they weren't supposed to mention
How unkind.
Who does that and then expects to go over for tea and cake and everything be hunky dory?

Everyone apparently.

Well they don't expect a grown adult to stomp off in a huff and hide upstairs. Just to play nice like we all do at times when we're not feeling it.

She isn't your sister though is she? She didn't choose you or to have a relationship with you, your husband did. Likewise your niece and dc haven't chosen each other, they have sort of been thrown together. It works for you and dc but not for your ILs and niece and actually that's okay. Your dc maybe an only child but that does not mean that she is doomed to a life of loneliness. Focus on building friendships and relationships beyond your family and help your dc to do the same. Kids at that age want their friends to go to their parties, and given your reaction its understandable that they kept it a secret. You sound intense, you have rigid ideas about family and what they should do/feel, you have decided that this cousin should be an ideal friend for your dc and perhaps because of the ND, can't seem to understand that they might not feel the same way. If your dc is ND too, perhaps she struggles with friendships and that's really sad, but you would be more useful to her to helping her to develop friendships and resilience.