To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

Great. Now you know that it's not a vendetta against you and your DC alone. That must make you feel better, it would me anyway.

This is it, isn't it?

@Pouticel do they even want your DH to keep bringing PIL? Maybe they stopped visiting them for a reason? And maybe the fact your DH keeps bringing them is making them think they need to distance themselves from him and you, too?

You sound very angry but equally very passive (just accepting there's no room in the car for you), I don't really understand it.

And I'm sure they speak highly of you too.

This attitude is probably what has exacerbated this situation. Although I suspect you are bothered, they are not.

So yes forget about them, everyone will be happier.

"The question is why is my DC not considered to be one of cousin’s friends?"

Because your relatives are not necessarily your friends. It may be that the cousin was fed up of being forced to socialise with your child. It's not the end of the world.

You are projecting your own issues onto this situation. Not having siblings or other relatives doesn't mean that you are alone in the world. Chosen family is more important than blood family.

For your DC's sake, is there no chance that you would apologise for your reaction today, and explain in a simple, non-dramatic fashion that you are worried about your DC having no family as they grow up?

Just take the pressure off everyone. Then move forward.

Re. parties:
My own kids had school friend based parties, plus separate much smaller birthday cake -teas- and presents with family, and that was normal in our circles. We couldn't afford large parties either, except once when we had a joint one with another family. We had friends to the house for games and treasure hunts, and later things like cinema trips etc. You don't have to spend a fortune.

Ok so I can see you’re very hurt in all of this.

And yes, some aspects of their behaviour do seem quite odd. The oddest thing in the whole set up is your DH prioritising taking PIL to your SIL’s and you being left all alone on Boxing Day tbh. That’s just really odd that one of the owners of the car would be the person who “can’t” go.

The party - I don’t think it is that odd for a child to have a party with just school friends and not a cousin. Inviting cousins does tend to peter out by school age - keeping it going til 7 is quite a long time!

And if they never get an equivalent party invite back from your DC because you “can’t afford it”, they may well be upset about that. I put it in “” because it’s always a choice and a prioritisation, and tbh even at school the families who never give a party and yet expect their DC to be invited do end up breeding a bit of resentment.

So re your upset with this event, the thing to do would be to not say anything about it today, go on as normal for your DC’s sake so as not to ruin their day, and then just quietly have nothing to do with them from here on in. Not flouncing upstairs, no dramatically leaving WhatsApp groups. These things are just embarrassing tbh. You need to maintain your dignity.

I think this is absolutely awful. Only seeing your mum 3 times a year! And it’s shocking how many other people also aren’t arsed about their family and give more effort and time to friends.

It would be nice to have an actual family who live their lives together. My neighbour and her sister take turns having their kids at weekends, one has the kids so the other can go out. They’re proper sisters and their kids are a proper family who take care of each other. Sadly it seems like nowadays a lot of people care more about friends than their actual family.

Well yes, as they can choose their friends, and like them. Blood doesn't mean you like people.

@Pouticel some people don't have very nice families though.

I'd donate bone marrow to my sister if it matched and she needed it but I'd rather not spend an afternoon with her at the moment. And that's OK. The other one is fine. You don't have to be friends with family. Two different things.

I get that you really want your DD to have her cousin as family there for her in the future, as you mentioned her having nobody else
.….but you seem to be putting a barrier in the way of that now with this anger and saying you’ll cut them off. Also you’re saying that you’d now refuse to be your DD’s
cousin’s guardian if something happened to the in-laws.
It’s clear that you’re feeling hurt, and I can see why. But surely you should put the girls (and your desire for them to have a strong relationship all through their lives) first.

Think I know what your going through op I also had similar feelings with my only ds but let me tell you this one day you will look back and realise you didn't need to worry my ds is doing extremely well with loads of friends and full of confidence you don't need to keep trying and thinking so hard relax and this time will pass and going forward you will feel alot better when you see your dc growing up into thier own person. Life changes so much its even possible they will initiate thier own friendship as adults stop giving this so much headspace let them get on with thier life and you and dc get on with yours

They def sound like they aren’t interested in you guys or your PILs, stuff them. It was prob a bit dramatic blocking them but hey ho at least that will upset them and it might make them think about their behaviour towards their family. Give it a bit cooling off time then ask your husband to text them to see if the cousins want to face time. It’s then keeping the relationship just between the kids and then when they have their own devices they can keep in touch that way, means you don’t have to bother with them. Some people are just selfish and insular, it’s a shame for the kids, don’t see them again but do what you can to encourage the kids to have some contact, use the PILs if needs be.

Excluding PIL from seeing their granddaughter is awful imo.

But they haven't excluded PIL from seeing the GD - they're seeing her today.

There is no rule that family have to attend kid's birthday parties!

All of DS's parties were class only.

It is absolutely fine for people to prioritise friends over family. Just because you are related to someone doesn’t mean you get on. Are you saying you think people should prioritise people they don’t like because they happen to be related?

“The oddest thing in the whole set up is your DH prioritising taking PIL to your SIL’s and you being left all alone on Boxing Day tbh. That’s just really odd that one of the owners of the car would be the person who “can’t” go.”

Who should not go then? We can’t all fit in the car. DH the driver can’t stay at home. DC can’t stay at home alone. So it’s either MIL, FIL or me who has to stay at home. And it’s more important to MIL to see her daughter than it is for me to see my in-laws by marriage. And she wont go without FIL.

Can't choose your family. Neither can you make it into an image of what you would like it to be. There may be all sorts of reasons why your SIL doesnt want to spend time with your family or parents. You find it upsetting but you have done your best so just let it go. Being so angry is just a massive waste of energy.

Yes, my family is awful. Hence why I’ve gone no contact with them.

You’ve really got used to your own DH not considering you. He leaves you alone on Boxing Day every year. He doesn’t sound a whole lot better than his sister really.

why do i need to see my mum constantly? im a grown up, i dont need to hold her hand every day.
at what point did i ever say im not arsed about my family? or that i give more effort and time to my friends? re-read my post OP.

for your information; i dont actually have any friends, i dont leave the house to go and spend time with anyone.

as a grown up, my priority is my DP and my 2 DC.
yes i have other family like my mum, but my main priority is my household.

stop trying to force friendships between family just because thats how you see things should be.

like the example of your neighbours; im sure thats lovely for them, if that is what they both want. but not everyone wants that.

clearly your inlaws dont want to live like that. just because you dont agree, doesnt mean that its not a 'proper family'.

just because i dont see my own mother very much doesnt mean were not a proper family. i know i could call her at any moment and she'd drop what shes doing and be here. That, to me, is a proper family. not constant contact.

familys come in all different shapes, sizes and set ups. what works for someone elses family may well not work for you. unfortunately unless people are on the same page in regards to level of contact, these sort of disagreements happen.

You're very blinkered aren't you? Not all families can be close physically, meaning practically they can't help each other out with stuff like babysitting. Doesn't mean they're far apart emotionally.

You're contradicting yourself.

Why would you not like your own family? You’re supposed to love them. Unless they’re problematic in some way and contact is unhealthy. Our family clearly doesn’t love us anyway. Fuck them.

I'd play it down now op stop trying don't look desperate it's not a good look for you or your dc leave them be if they visit and the cousins play together great but if not then so be it families can be very overrated never expect much and you can't be hurt.

If they are so awful why were you trying to force a relationship with them? 😵‍💫 or are they just awful because they won’t support the relationship you want?