To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

So, you don’t think your unreasonable at all then?

@Pouticel or they could care about all of you but just not as intensely as you would like them to.

I love my nieces and nephews. We live about 90 mins apart and see each about 4 times a year. If my SIL put all your angst and pressure on our DCs and me, I would dread our family meetings

Hi OP, I’m really sorry they’ve hurt your feelings. Taking the emotion out of it for a second, if they were hosting a class party with limited numbers, is it not better to have a separate family party, so then the whole class can attend, rather than the whole class minus one child, to free up space for a cousin who won’t know anyone there?

My own DM didn’t have much of a family growing up and as a result she has been very territorial about her own family. Your replies remind me so much of how she has handled situations in the past. The impact? Only one of my siblings lives near her and she didn’t speak to her only living relative for over 20 years, because he wasn’t making enough effort. I’m not saying this to be critical, but to help you play the tape forward so you can see how one “blow up” can have serious consequences.

You sound unbearable. Why are you even questioning why they came around to have cake with the PILs- and you seemed to have been invited to the family version of the celebration so why are you so angry? Sounds like you have taken this personally and projecting this onto your child. Poor child.

That is not what the vast majority of people are saying to you. Can you not see that they do not owe you this idyllic relationship you have created in your own mind?

Not a defence of them, but possibly a reason:

• They wanted an active, noisy, light-hearted birthday party
• Two very elderly and mobility challenged people
• Two people with ASD

…they didn’t invite PIL and you and DD because they thought you all would be buzz kills? Idk, just a suspicion I’d have.

I would say stop making everything about your child. That would turn me off straight away. I imagine that their DC had a party with limited space and wanted to invite his whole class or friendship group which meant there wasn't room for your chid. Obviously if they suspected that this would wind you up so much that months later, given the chance to see your DCs interact again, you would rather post on Mumnet than watch your kids enjoy each other's company, not telling you about it was a sensible idea.

I am sorry OP but you are being way too intense about this. I understand your concern as I also have an only child but you are putting too much pressure on your relationship with them. They have backed off for a reason. Let them take the lead now and if they don't bother very much, so be it. You need to revaluate how much headspace you are giving this for your own mental health. I am sure your daughter will have friends and family of her own one day, try not to worry.

But I didn't know it was a 45 minute trip? Or that they'd need to take multiple buses? But it's still their problem to get themselves to visit their other grandchild, not yours...

How come it’s too far for SIL to go to them but it’s not to far for your Dh to go? Isn’t the road the same length both ways?

Have you asked them why they are discouraging/ preventing the cousins friendship? There may be a misunderstanding somewhere along the line and they’ve perhaps not felt abke to sir their concerns with you? I would really want to know their reasons.

Have you and your husband ever offered to visit them without your in laws?

You have fear your child will be left alone into he world without siblings. This is causing you to over focus on their cousin. The SiL doesn't think the way you do. Have nother child or let it go and accept you want more than they are able to give. A cousin doesn't compensate or replace a sibling.

Is this perhaps nothing to do with your DC, and instead they're a casualty of an issue between adults in the family? How do your DH and his sister get on? And BIL/PIL?

My advice would be to take the hint and just keep away from them. Just let it go, stop wasting energy on it. If your kid want to be friends with their kid as adults then they’ll find one another. If not, they won’t. Lots of people love being only children. Don’t let your feelings about being an only child become their feelings too.

If the cousin has had a party with his school friends, it makes sense that your DC wasn't invited. I prefer party guests (children) to all know each other, so that nobody feels left out or awkward at a party.

Probably best not to create too much animosity which could blow up and completely destroy the family relationship for your DS. I would tell your SIL that you were just trying to comfort your DS and didn't mean to ignore them. But let them make the moves from now on with regards to meeting up.

At the end of the day we can't force people, even if they are family. I know this first hand, and now will not put myself out or offer invites to those family members who show very little interest in me, DH and DC. Your DS will be fine and grow up to have his own family and close friends hopefully, cousin or no cousin.

You'd be surprised, both my parents and DP's seem to think the trains and roads only run one way!

But it's also not fair to have another child just to support a potentially difficult one. You can't guarantee that friendship either.

Apart from the ridiculous ‘have another child’ part the rest of this is spot on. (Unless it was sarcasm that I didn’t read correctly)

Are the children both developmentally similar? I have children with ASD and they have similar aged cousins. In the early years they spent time together, but tbh as the years went on they really had very little in common. They're nice to each other now, but there's no pretending that they have anything in common.

It sounds like you take a lot of things very personally when the reasons behind them might not actually have anything to do with you.

That will not make you easy company.

Yes. The answer was no. Too busy.

DH drives up there and back here. SIL would have to drive down and back to collect them, then down and back to drop them off - twice as far.

im sorry OP but you seem desperate here to force a friendship.

just because someone is family doesnt mean they have to be best friends.
as i said in my PP, i barely saw my cousins, never invited them to parties nor was i invited to theirs. still loved them, just didnt have to be best friends.

my DDs cousin who she sees every other week, i dont ever see her parents. havent in 4 years.

your posts are reading a little bit 'woe is me'

saying 'they can have their friends raise there kids and can f off' is just sounding like a child throwing their toys out. of course if something was to happen to them theyd rather have family raise their child.

hell, i dont see my own mum for months at a time, maybe 3 times a year. she lives 12 minutes away. we both drive. nor do we call each other regularly, maybe every 6-8 weeks at a minimum. can be upto 3 months before i even speak to her.

i see my DPs mum every week to take her shopping.

doesnt mean i care less about my own mum.

shes family, i know where she is if i need her and vice versa. it just means we accept were both adults who live their own lives.
no body needs to force any form of friendship.

I am keeping away from them from now on. It’s so disappointing. I would really have liked to have a nice family and for DC to have a nice family too. But they are a shit family.