To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

I can’t quite believe how many people are going on about the car/lifts.

OP I completely understand why you feel how you do. It sounds like you have been very unwell recently and family backing off at that time would be even more hurtful.

I don’t get their behaviour either and I don’t think it is your fault.

I get that feeling of rejection and not understanding what you have done. But I think the people saying match their energy are right. This would be a good thing to start with.

It is hard to find your people when you are ND. You can go all out and be friendly, extend invites etc, and still find people aren’t bothered and don’t return the effort.

Focus on giving your daughter a nice life, maybe join her up to some clubs and be kind to yourself

Why can't their daughter (or her H) pick them up? Not your H have to take them all the time to his sister's house. They could sort it I am sure if they wanted to. They could pick them up, they could stay over, and their daughter could drop them home the day after.

Your H seems like he is happy to accept you and your child being excluded and a bit of a wimp tbh

But they probably have an active social life with friends, you need to work towards that for your family, not to rely on them, it's clear that they don't want it.

So this way they get to totally avoid you. It sounds like it’s really you they don’t like and are avoiding OP. And your son is being excluded as a result. It’s hard to have a relationship with a child if you don’t like the parents (you yourself are now doing this to your nephew because you no longer like his parents even tho it wasn’t his choice to not have your son at his party). So surely now you see the issue is between the adults.
and why the fuck would your SIL not be allowed to come to her own parents house for a small tea party for their grandchild? Really? I’d be fuming at you if I was them and can see why they don’t like you :/

I believe that the rejection and exclusion that you have felt in your life is coming out now on behalf of your daughter OP. That’s what bullying and exclusion does - it leaves an imprint. So I can totally understand why you would go nuclear. This hits somewhere deep within you and anyone who has been bullied will understand that.

There comes a point though where you have to put your own stuff aside and do what’s best for your child. It sounds as though she loves her cousin and, while hurt about the party, will still be seeing her at family gatherings. I don’t think going no contact is the solution here. Really your husband should talk to them and find out what is going on, they are his relations and there is clearly a reason. Maybe one of the girls said something to the other or they had a falling out. I would get him to try and find out what is happening, and why.

Yes, the husband should be having the conversations, if any should happen, not the OP.

You should speak to him, OP, they are his family to liaise with, or not.

As a neurodivergent, I can see both sides of the story here.

It's really strange (and rude!) that they have not seen your child for 6 months when there has been ample opportunity. And also really strange that they asked the child to keep the class party a secret instead of explaining they are having a class party with local friends, and a family party with family who live far away. I bet if you had seen them regularly, then it wouldn't seem like you had been snubbed, and the reason would be more understandable.

However, it can also be a bit weird to have cousins at class parties when they don't know anyone else there as the dynamics can change, so it's not unusual for extended family to not be invited. Also, having to worry about lots of energetic children around elderly grandparents must be a worry.

Focus on the things you can control. (Get a bigger car?) Look up Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Read the book Let Them by Mel Robbins. Let your husband deal with them from now on.

💐

Are you taking on board what people are saying to you? Is it making you see the situation any differently?

Poor DH for what? How’s he suffering in this situation?

I actually don't think it is if they don't want anything to do with her. Why should she take their child in?

OP, this is a complete overreaction. It's normal to invite friends rather than cousins to a birthday party at that age - but even if it wasn't, your reaction wouldn't be healthy. If your child isn't invited to a party, you need to show them how to handle the disappointment. Instead, you've whipped up a frenzy. I doubt this is the first time your in-laws have been on the receiving end of your toxic behaviour, and that's probably why they've distanced themselves.

They stopped coming for Christmas Day with us and PIL a few years ago anyway. Don’t know why.

But then you later said that they host BIL's parents who are unable to travel to you.

So that is surely why they no longer come for Christmas Day & why your husband takes his parents there on Boxing Day?

Me too. I feel for you op. Sorry you are getting so much criticism here

She doesn’t even telephone her mother never mind pick her up. She hasn’t visited for six months and DH recently found out she doesn’t even call. He had been assuming she called a couple of times a week like he does.

I don’t know why they don’t stay over. They just don’t seem to want to. Maybe medical reasons, maybe because BIL complains if his full weekend gets eaten up.

They used to come down here every six weeks or so. Arrive on Saturday, stay with PIL, go back on Sunday. But BIL was kicking off because it was eating up his entire weekend, and for some reason she couldn’t come without him. So then they started coming on Saturday morning and going back after dinner. And then they had to leave at 4pm so they had time to relax before bed. And then the visits got further apart. Now they ignore all requests and refuse all visits, claiming to be busy. It’s six months since we last saw them. I’m convinced they only came today because they wanted £££ presents for their DC’s birthday. We wont see them till Christmas now, which is the next gift occasion.

I’m not shocked at the cold hearted responses on here, unfortunately. Her reaction wasn’t great but I absolutely understand the hurt she feels for herself and her child.

I honestly think you have a bit of a DH problem, with him leaving you alone on Boxing Day. That seems mean.

Yes I have realised that they also don’t give a shit about PIL, not just us. And that it’s an absolute waste of time to expect your family to love and care about you. I’ve never had any family apart from parents so it would have been nice for DC to have a close relative, but they obviously don’t give a flying fuck.

So YOU want a close relationship between the cousins.

You are completely projecting your views on everyone and just assuming that everyone thinks the same as you.......... THEY DO NOT!

From this thread you must concede that:
Having a 'class' only party is normal

Having a 'family' only party is normal

Your DH / PIL needs to think of a better transportation so you can all be included

You need to put less emphasis on this cousin relationship as it is clearly not reciprocated by the other party

Well let them be then, and make some friends of your own. Don't give them space in your head. They owe you absolutely nothing, but equally that goes both ways

Hopefully the girls might have more opportunities to have a friendship when they are older and the cousins parents are less influential?

But not inviting cousins to bday parties is normal so why are you making such a big deal of this?
In my last post I asked why you think your child shouldve been invited over an actual friend when they obviously arent close?

so..... no.

YABU and completely overreacting. It’s normal for children to want their school friends at their birthday party, rather than a cousin who probably none of the other children will know. It’s nothing to do with her "not being good enough".

Your DD and her cousin will always be related, but you can’t force a relationship
on them. If your in-laws don’t want to do anything to specially foster that relationship, there’s nothing you can do about it.

You have a dream of 'close cousins', but it’s your dream, not theirs. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing; when the girls are older they can organise their own get-togethers if they want to. Please don’t deliberately sabotage any chance of that.

It does sound, though, as if your DH needs to have a serious talk with his sister about why she doesn’t phone or visit her parents more often.

I suppose so. But they never used to have BIL’s parents on Christmas Day. They always spent it with us and then BIL’s parents came between Christmas and New Year. Then suddenly they couldn’t come for Christmas because BIL’s parents were arriving earlier.

I know MIL was very hurt when they said they weren’t coming for Christmas any more, she wanted to go to their house and they point blank said they didn’t have room for her. I’m sure they could have squashed up for a night or two but they just said no you can’t come.

DD has a sister with 2 DC who we see around once or twice a year, my DBro has 3 DC and we se them a couple of times a year. My parents are dead and we see DH's Mum every few months SO its mostly just been the 4 of us and we have been very happy and had (still do) some great times.
Some people have bigger families and thats fine but if you don't its also fine, you can't force these thing so maybe accept that your family is mostly just 3 of you and get on with enjoying yourselves