To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

Perhaps they are actually trying to avoid the PIL and due to your proximity to them, it is a consequence of that? It seems odd that they don’t see or visit them.

Failing that, can’t your DH just find out what is going on with his sibling?

I agree backing off is probably the way to go as they are obviously not interested in facilitating a relationship between the two cousins or indeed yourself. I personally would not be happy if your DH and DC disappears off every Boxing Day leaving you alone. I would be making your BIL and SIL facilitate getting PILs over to them. Your DH does not sound like he is bothered about his sister snubbing you and DC. Eventually your DC will notice and won't want to go. It is awful if they are excluding her because she is ND and don't sound nice people anyway.

I do think it's upsetting that her aunty has invited her niece to daughters party .. I'd wonder why myself.
Encourage your daughter to have her friends and don't try and force it anymore x

I don’t think weird at all. I have a cousin who is an only child and who has lost both her parents. I remember growing up our relationship was very much nurtured exactly due to the fact that she had no siblings, and her parents I guess wanted to ensure that when they were gone, there would be family support there if needed. And that’s what’s happened. Of course she has a partner now and has friends, but she very much values the fact that she has family connections on her side of the family.

I think to call the OP dramatic etc is a bit unfair. She had the best interests of the children at heart, extended the hand of friendship and has been rejected a fair few times, at odds from previous behaviour. It think the party would've hurt my feelings too as it was at the end of the other attempts. The cousins family could've handled things much better imo, even if they did want to pull away.

We are the same.
Our families are getting smaller, from growing up with 4 siblings, to all having 1 or 2, we nurture the relationship between the cousins, the cousins are very close on my side, and DH side.

I think they just don't like you very much. And that's totally allowed. I have family members I see once a year but would not go out of my way to see them otherwise.

Am I not allowed to hang out with people I like? They didn't marry you, your DH did. He is the only one obligated to spend time with you.

I have some family that I am taking the intentional approach with but it's a mutual thing, it can't be one sided. The adults have to like each other to it to have a chance of working and even then it's only a chance.

I have two teenage girls so have been to many birthday parties over the years and would say past toddler age when they have started school it’s very unusual for family members to be invited to parties. I would say the norm is to have a party for school friends then a tea party at home for family (which is what has happened in your case).

You are also massively projecting your priorities and worries onto other people, which is not fair. They may not be concerned about their DC having little family. They may hope that their DC will build their own network of family and friends in the future. You’re putting massive pressure on the relationship by basically saying that they will only have each other.

If it’s not unusual for people to reject you, kindly, you need to reflect on how you’re interacting with people.

Sooo (and I do mean this with kindness)… I wonder if your response to this (storming upstairs) explains their distancing. When people feel that they have to keep connected, some feel trapped and pull away. I also feel rejection strongly - I think for some people it can feel devastating, even physically painful. What I have learnt over the years is to play it cool in response to it; step back a touch but remain friendly.
If I were you (and if your DD and her cousin really get on well), I would take this lightly; make the most of it when you see them and don’t press too hard for a meet when you don’t. The problem with responding with fury as you are (which I’ve felt too) is that you’re showing your DD that a). This is a massive deal and b). You respond to rejection by telling the other (through actions) to fuck off! I think a better way - if she is upset - is to tell her that sometimes kids choose other friends for sooo many reasons and in fact it might be their parents choices! She (as we all do) will face rejection in her life and this is your opportunity to show her how to manage it in a measured way.

Maybe they are busy on weekends. Often a lot of clubs happen on Saturdays, then if they do something like football they then have matches.
I think you are being completely OTT about this.
We generally only see my niece every 3-4 months despite them only living 30 mins away!
You seem to have an unhealthy obsession that they should be spending time with your child.
Maybe they are miffed that the in laws aren't arranging to visit them more often. But then not everyone is fussed about grandchildren and maybe PIL are happy with current arrangements.
What about family on the other side - your BILs family?

They are celebrating the birthday with you, as family. I don't get why you want more than that. If they didn't do that then yes they would be excluding you, but the fact they have done something separately for family shows they are doing things with you.

If that fussed when it's your child's birthday why don't you actually organise something. As many others have said it doesn't have to be that expensive. We did bowling for 6 kids for £120, 2 games and food.
You need to focus on your social skills as maybe this is what prevents you making friends from the way you come across.

Can I ask does your child have invites to parties at their school because inviting cousins at this age is rare and I have always felt sorry for both on the odd occasions I have seen it as they are often left out of the class dynamics and leaves the birthday child struggling to accommodate everyone.

the fact they had to lie is I think because they didn’t want you to react like this, they don’t want you to take their child away or on days out and that is fair enough

to be honest I suspect they may well be relieved this has happened.

i am an only child, who cousins are either in Australia or 23 years younger than me and my two don’t have cousins (DH sister no kids) and small Cheistmases are just fine by me!

Your anger and pain comes through loud and clear @Pouticel, and I understand it. You’ve clearly made a lot more effort than them for a long time now. I think they’ve been rude and thoughtless.

However.

I think right now you’re also reacting out of all sorts of things that aren’t on them- your childhood, your friendships, your underlying fear of rejection. Those will be colouring the intensity of your feelings here.

So I guess i’m saying just be aware of those, take a breath, and don’t shoot yourself or your child in the foot.

You sound very hard work, like you're working so hard to have a relationship with BIL and SIL and their child for your child's sake, that it's coming across as very intense and I'd be willing to bet that's what's causing them to back off. They are entitled to have whatever relationship they choose with you, and you're entitled to be a little disappointed but should just accept it and focus on making lots of close friends for your child instead of fixating on family members that you can't control.

Sound exhausting

and I adore my nieces and nephews but my DC only invite their own schoolfriends to parties. Otherwise it gets too complicated. We dont even do family birthdays so they
re doing more than I would do.

This is really sad. And what a lot of pressure to put on a 7 year old to tell them to keep the party secret. I love that the cousin blurted it out and also revealed that it was supposed to be a secret! I understsnd why your DC is upset and why you are too. I think you should be honest with them and tell them you are disappointed. I think that is better than storming off. When you do that you give them ammunition to confirm that you are awful and should not have been invited. Don’t give them that ammunition.

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I can see both sides here. You cannot force relationships and kindly op you sound intense and your reaction suggests you are quite highly strung. Family invites to parties naturally decrease when you live further away and the children start school. My child's cousins still come to the parties but only as they are a sibling group of 3 so go and play together rather than feeling left out if my child is playing more with school friends they see daily

Because she isnt an organic friend, she is a relative who it's very likely have been slightly pushed together by parents. Whereas children shes met and formed relationships with through school or social clubs will be more natural and easy. I grew up everyday with my cousins as my granny minded us but as we got older we met new friends and drifted apart, that's normal. They're my cousins, they are family, I care for them and see them occasionally but they are not my friends. Why are you forcing this so much? You are clearly projecting your own insecurities on your daughter.

A taxi trip to travel 45 minutes will cost about £70-90, and the same on the way back. Thats £150-180 total. Are you mad? Nobody can afford that let alone pensioners. And public transport would be multiple buses, they’d be on the bus 2-3 hours each way. Sorry but you’re being unrealistic. Somebody needs to drive otherwise it’s just not accessible.

You sound very hurt and are lashing out. Please be careful you don’t burn your bridges.

It sounds like your expectations are different. It’s quite normal to just invite school friends at that age and older it’s not necessarily a rejection. It’s not the norm to invite family to birthday parties beyond the toddler years. And ironically the more you want and push for a relationship the more people pull away.

you are being hugely over the top, immature and self-centred. Please act like an adult and speak to them politely and do not badmouth them or the situation in front of your DC. You’ve said that your DC and their cousins hadn’t seen each other in 6 months - that being the case, why WOULD the cousins invite your DC to their party with their friends? The child whose birthday it was would then feel obliged to spend time at the party with your DC rather than their close friends who they see all the time at school?

I am an only child with divorced parents so I understand the concerns you have but you have to focus on your child learning to love themselves and their own company first and foremost and then focus on making friends with people who want to be with them. You should focus on ensuring they are going to play dates and parties with kids from their class, rather than chasing a relationship with people who live nearly an hour away from you.

@Pouticel You haven’t answered whether your perspective on how close the cousins ‘should’ be is one that’s been discussed out loud between the adults or just one that you’ve created in your mind? I don’t mean this unkindly. I just know as a fellow autistic person I do this a lot and can feel angry when others don’t follow the ‘plan’ I created in my head. I also struggle to separate my own childhood experiences from those of my ND child so it can feel like a double rejection IYSWIM. You can feel hurt and rejected but that doesn’t mean your SIL and BIL have done anything wrong.

BIL’s parents are very elderly and in assisted living. He has no siblings. My DC and theirs are the only two kids in our family. Due to lack of siblings and other relatives I’ve done my best to give them a family relationship. It’s literally just us and them, we have no other family. So basically our only family can’t be arsed with us. It’s horrible.