To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

what a charmer you are

It's your own child you are punishing. The more you post, the more we can understand why they are walking on egg shelves around you, and not getting too involved. You genuinely are exhausting.

Does your husband put in much effort with his sister?

If not then you trying to force things/change the dynamic was never going to work I wouldn't have thought.

Maybe you are not evaluating the relationship in the same way they are. My dd would be polite to her cousins but really didn't like them because they could be unkind to her once adults were not there.

Probably the best thing to do is to let it slide a bit and see what happens in the future. Going nuclear could damage things for good. This is about your ds, not you.

Oh come on if they died surely you wouldn’t refuse to have their DC, it’s not their DCs fault.

If there was a limit on numbers then I think it’s fair to choose friends who they see regularly over a family member they haven’t seen for months. Keeping the party a secret was shit of them though, if they usually invite PIL and didn’t tell them about it then it does seem like they didn’t want your DC there (if it was due to limited numbers I think fair enough but they could explain this).

I don’t blame you for not wanting to bother with them in the future though, just stop trying to arrange things and leave them to it.

You are your daughter’s worst enemy. Unless you start behaving like a rational human being, and allow a friendship between them develop naturally (or not, as the case may be) I can guarantee that they will want nothing more to do with you.
It is you who is sabotaging your daughter’s chances of a normal relationship with her cousin. It is you who is modelling terrible social and conflict resolution skills for your daughter.

Sorry OP but this. You're embarrassing yourself and, by extension, your daughter.

Children's friendships can't be mandated or choreographed and just because people are family they don't have to like one another.

It's hard to know for sure what's happened or not between the children and whether this distancing has taken place because the cousin wants a bit of space or because the parents find you overbearing and entitled. You've very clearly pushed and pushed and failed to read the room when the parents wanted to take a step back. Maybe they got fed up of feeling they couldn't get away from you. Maybe their DD got tired of having your DD imposed on her.

It may be a bit of both. But if these children are going to have a genuine, life-long friendship it has to be on their own terms.

If you want to salvage any hope of allowing these children to remain friends, please for your daughter's sake take a step back.

Why have you got such an emphasis on family being more important than friends? Why should your child be more important than others hes actually friends with?
Why are you trying to force this situation so much?

Honestly OP you sound like a nightmare and I'm not surprised they dont want to leave their child with you or encourage a close relationship. You're upstairs swearing having a meltdown like a toddler instead of just talking to them.

OP why not ask the question ‘why was my DC not invited to the party? ‘

You may be surprised by the answer and it’s the least that should be done before blocking and going NC with family, particularly as family seems to be important to you.

If this is the way you behave and overreact frankly you and your child will continue to be left out because I wouldnt want to spend time with you or want my child near yours when you are such a drama llama

“If there was a limit on numbers then I think it’s fair to choose friends who they see regularly over a family member they haven’t seen for months. Keeping the party a secret was shit of them though, if they usually invite PIL and didn’t tell them about it then it does seem like they didn’t want your DC there”

And why haven’t they seen her for months? Because they keep refusing all contact. I’d happily put myself out on a regular basis to ensure DC had a family relationship going forward, but they just keep rejecting every offer. And clearly they haven’t invited PIL because they’d need a lift therefore DH would have to drive and they’d have to invite DC. Excluding PIL from seeing their granddaughter is awful imo.

OP none of us here can tell you why your child's family are doing anything. We only have your perspective to go on so all we can do is speculate based on your behaviour that you tell us about and the language that you use.

“Why have you got such an emphasis on family being more important than friends? Why should your child be more important than others hes actually friends with?”
The question is why is my DC not considered to be one of cousin’s friends? Because they keep rejecting all contact and not facilitating a relationship between the girls.

So my dc has 1 cousin who’s two years younger than him. When they were babies/toddler's we did family parties and vice versa . Once they got to school we did a party with school friends and then had a birthday tea with family and sil/bil did same. They don’t go to the same school, they live an hour apart it’s easier to keep them seperate but the cousins love each other to bits. It’s a totally normal thing to do.

To be fair, here the grandparents are excluding themselves by insisting on your DH giving them a lift. They could get a taxi or public transport. They shouldn't be sitting passively waiting to get a lift to see their grandchild.

you only reply to agree with you, but WHERE did you get they are excluding DIL to seeing their grand-daughter?

clearly they haven’t invited PIL.. because it's a kids party for 7 year old? No one invites grand-parents to THAT 😂

Keeping the party a secret was shit of them though
looking at how you react, it sounds very wise..

From the person who
never invite the cousin to a birthday party
refuse to go and visit at Christmas because "the car is too small"

Get over yourself. You should put your child first, and you are making it all about you, it's not fair. It's not fair on your husband either.

Don’t be so pathetic

I imagine the party was largely for school friends/classmates who all know each other. Your child would only have known the cousin by the sounds of things. Them being there could have changed the whole dynamic and meant the party child not being able to interact with friends.

Having cousins is lovely when they are small but it’s not unusual for them to grow apart when they get their own friend groups.

A sensible idea would have been to let the party issue go and maybe ask your DH to have a word with his sister about the other stuff.

Reading between the lines it looks though that you are forceful and controlling and they are trying to step back a bit.

So it's not all about you or your daughter?

Your SIL hasn't seen her brother or her parents for a while either.

OP, do they know you didin’t turn up in the past because of the car situation & not fitting in w PIL & your kid?
or could they potentially believe you don’t like them - don’t want to see them but WILL eg host their kid, take her on holiday etc, but just not see them?
If that’s the case, a conversation could probably solve all this out?

I've just spotted this in a previous post -

Once your parents and grandparents are dead, you have to spend Christmas alone and you have nobody. I don’t want that for my DC or theirs.

Wow!

They are perhaps perfectly content with the family relationships that their kid has.

No wonder they have stepped back if you are trying to force your way onto them.

This sounds tough. I know you can only get a snapshot of things here but I understand why you are feeling like this. I have an only child too and am keen for her to have good relationships with her cousins. Its my siblings kids which does make things easier. But I think you can’t force things, just let things evolve. Even if they were best mates now, there’s no guarantee of anything in later life (even if they were siblings rather than cousins).
I should add that I have done parties where I invited my DD’s cousins as well as best friend from nursery and school and other close friends. But felt it didn’t work that well as the kids didn’t all know each other and I think they felt a bit awkward. So we’ve often done parties with school friends and then something separate with cousins or nursery friends etc. just trying to say there wasn’t necessarily any ill intent here. Your child might have felt quite overwhelmed at a party in a hall with lots of kids she didn’t know and where her cousin might have not been able to spend much time with her.
My DD didn’t go to her cousins parties last year and vice versa but we’ve been round for cake and stuff. To me that’s the real celebration as parties are stressful and this is being with family, the kids are running round and we’re just chatting and eating bits and bobs without it being an extravaganza. I wonder if they may have hid things from you because they were worried about how you’d react as you have a different approach to things.
Re not taking up other invitations, they may just be really busy and it’s just practically easier to do local stuff. I know you’ve offered lots of things but I sometimes don’t accept offers because I’m not sure I can reciprocate and I don’t want to just take. I also am a bit last minute about things and don’t like to plan too much and can feel pressured with invitations- I realise that might sound a bit weird but I just feel overwhelmed with things. I just mean their actions again may not be meant in a negative way.
anyway, just some thoughts to possibly reframe things. Best wishes

I can see both sides of this. My DC is an only child and the cousin relationship is a very important one. And yes, it does seem they are pulling away, and how they've handled the party situation hasn't been great.

But you are cutting off your nose to spite your face here. You and your DH need to talk to them to find out if there's anything you're not aware of. For all you know there could have been an incident between the kids and their DC didn't want yours there, or to see them so much in general. As much as these relationships are important you can't force children to get on or be friends. Their future relationship will likely depend on how they get on as adults and how important they see it, completely independent of you.

BUT deciding they will never ever see each other again because you're done with them is very much a good idea way to ensure they don't have any type of relationship. You can pull away/make less effort without cutting them off completely. I have lots of family I only see every six months or less, that doesn't mean we don't love each other/are there for each other when it counts.

Not quite the same but I celebrate my bdays with my DO & DD - and my friends. They’re my chosen family & I afore them & vice versa.
my mom sends an ecard. Blood relatives send text messages. But my party/dinner/celebration is w my friends - friends can be just as valued/more so than family

Can I ask @Pouticel how your son is in new situations with new people? Autism obviously presents differently in different people so trying to understand how he’d be at a loud crowded kids party?

There are some situations where I just wouldn’t take my children. I am able to judge quite well what my children can cope with.

My children are a much poorer judges and I wonder if perhaps you are not open to the possibility that some environments might not be great for your child?

HOWEVER a conversation should be had, not hiding and asking children to hide their party from family.

If your son attends parties etc frequently without upset or incident then it seems like a really unkind choice.

I am very open and able to say ‘sorry - that’s not suitable for Littlegoat or Babygoat but have a brilliant time and we’ll do something else soon’. Are you tuned in to the things your child can cope with and open to conversations like this?

But you say they're all at yours today to celebrate the grandchild's birthday so clearly haven't been excluded?

@Pouticel going forward invite your daughter's friends to tea, let her build relationships there.

What if the answer is as simple as it was a class party. It’s entirely normal to have a class party & a family party/cake which they are currently having!

As the 7 year old moves further into primary school friends become a bigger part of their life, entirely normal & ok.