To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

This is fantastic advice. Don't weigh up how much effort is being made in response to your effort, and drive yourself crazy with analysis and worry, simply match their energy. You will be a lot happier for it and the kids might end up having the relationship you picture anyway.

But what efforts have you made? You don't have parties, so don't invite them, you don't go to boxing day ( you definitely need it speak to your husband about that), you've invited their child away with you by himself, that'd be a no from me. Sleepovers, I assume they've asked the kid and he doesn't want to. He's a boy, you have a daughter, 7 or so is when their interests might diverge so it wouldn't be fun. What normal efforts have you made that aren't OTT?

I do feel for your child, they must be hurt in not being invited to the party when they see themselves as close cousins.

And I think it's great you've tried to nuture a good relationship. But I think you have to accept your SIL doesn't want the same.

I don't think it's your child. I just have a feeling they want to distance themselves from your PIL's.

I can’t believe you’re still having a tantrum hours later.

It is totally normal to have parties with just your friends, and it’s awkward if there is one guest there who knows nobody else. It means party girl has to look after that guest at the detriment of having time with all the others. Your in-laws have come over to celebrate today instead.

Aside from the keeping it a secret bit (which presumably was done exactly because of your petulant reaction), they’ve done exactly what most other parents of young kids do: friends party one day, family get together another.

Total overreaction on your part to flounce upstairs and vow to cut them off. I don’t think you’re making the matter any better. If, for the sake of the kids you want to try and maintain a relationship, you need to grow up. Harsh but true.

I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

This is so unhealthy. And weird.

They’re only kids FFS.

They’ll most likely grow up with their own circle of friends, meet partners, get married, have kids, get divorced, get step kids, become grandparents.

As sad as it is, you can’t force relationships and friendships.

You are making huge assumptions here! Very likely both cousins will as adults have partners and family of their own ,or even good friends whose company they enjoy, so won’t depend on their one remaining blood relative to keep them company at Christmas when you and your OH are dead and buried.

Stop being so dramatic, not surprised the sil and BIL are keeping their distance from such hysterical over the top foolishness,

You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face in a big way here. Sounds like maybe you’ve been bullied as a child and are reacting now as if it’s that situation all over again. But it’s not the same. By reacting like this you’re making your child out to be some kind of social pariah rather than someone who this year wasn’t invited to their cousin’s birthday party. It’s NOT a big deal, you’re making it into one and I suspect it’s because you want to take back the power and reject them.

It’s not healthy, it’s not about you. You’re the one causing a rift. Yes they’ve been shady here but they’ve not been horrible. Do you invite your cousins to all your birthdays/occasions? I’ve never been to any cousin’s birthday but I still love them. Don’t throw this potentially lovely friendship between the kids away because of this perceived slight.

Apparently we’re many kinds of terrible if we use gently! I would have used it in the way you mention here too, prior to that thread, but they were vicious on there!

You're making this all about you when it really isn't. I can see why they're not keen to interact with you.

I would probably have done something similar.
What your husband needs to do is ask them outright why they have distanced themselves
from your child.

It means I won’t be pissing about with crumbs any more. Sharing photos and visiting for 5-6 hours once every six months. If they don’t want a proper family relationship with my DC then fuck them, it’ll be no contact from now on.

OP I just wanted to give you some reassurance about your DD being alone and without family in the future. My Nan is an only child and she has never mentioned cousins so I assume she either doesn't have any or they aren't close.

By the time her parents died she had been married for decades, had two children of her own and 6 grandchildren. For a recent wedding anniversary we have a photo of everyone at a meal together. Once you factor in the children and their partners, the grandchildren and their partners and now a great grandchild it's a big group and my nan looks very far from alone.

But isn't you pulling back irrelevant in the grand scheme of things because your DH will just maintain contact and continue all the visits anyway?

Yes but, again, OP you have just got fixed in your head what a proper 'family relationship' looks like and have decided that everyone else has rejected this - seemingly without having had a single adult conversation with anyone involved about how you or they are feeling....

You do sound like you're chucking all your toys out of the pram @Pouticel. If you've always been this dramatic I can see why they may wish to distance themselves. From you.

Perhaps it’s been said, but if this was my family on Boxing Day, then another family member, sister-in-law or brother-in-law, would do a round trip to pick you or the PILs up / drop you home, or share the cost of a taxi for the PILs three ways.

Why don't you simply just ask them why they don't appear to want to see you and DC as it's very obvious really. Put them on the spot.

All or nothing.

Very mature.

Omg. You sound exactly like my brother. Huge huge over reactions to perceived slights. Then struggles to back down.

Just grow up and communicate

It sadly does seem that your BIL/SIL have distanced themselves from your family. I ask this in a kind way - you mention that both you and your child have Autism. Is there any behaviours that your child displays that could perhaps make your BIL/SIL not want their child around yours? Unfortunately, not everyone understands Autism, and if a child behaves in a different way, it can make others uncomfortable and wary. You've clearly tried very hard to have a relationship with your BIL/SIL and you have been pushed away. My honest opinion, this is a situation where your husband should be asking his sister what is going on. Your BIL/SIL didn't tell your PIL about their child's party, because they didn't want them telling you. The situation isn't just effecting your family, but also your PIL. It's all very well your husband ignoring the issue, but all he's doing is burying his head in the sand. You are angry, and I don't blame you, because you don't understand what your child could have possibly done to be shunned. Your husband needs to take the bull by the horns, and speak to his sister on her own, in a calm manner. If there is an issue, how can it be resolved if your SIL isn't honest or your husband doesn't ask???!! If your husband won't ask, then for your child's sake, you need to calmly speak to your SIL. I'm an only child myself, and have a lot of cousins, some I am closer to than others. All were invited to my wedding, as not having siblings makes my cousin's more special to me. However, my son is an only child, and he has 4 cousins - 3 older female cousins and 1 male cousin who is a year younger than him. I'd hoped my son and his male cousin might have been closer, but it hasn't happened. My BIL/SIL have never been bothered with my BIL's siblings and families. We've had to just accept that's the situation.

Honestly, you need to take a breath, @Pouticel.

But when you say “they” can all fuck off, doesn’t that include your DH? Because he does sound like a big part of this.

Are you still sulking upstairs or have you gone down and not completely ruined your DN tea party?
I would complete cut you off from this. And your foul language isn’t doing you any favours either.

Same, it's very much a way to centre op and take the 'focus' of the day away from birthday child.

Honestly don’t worry about the only child cousins thing. I’m an only and my Mum was always desperate to foster a relationship between me and my cousins for the same reasons as you but I wasn’t having any of it, even as a small child! As a very much grown adult now I feel completely fine with no
”blood” family in my life.

What a ridiculous thing to say. I have Asperger’s and have always had lots of NT friends who have accepted me as I am and treated me absolutely normally (just as I like!)

Why so rude about NT people?