To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

But a party at that age can be pass the parcel, games, sandwiches, crisps, cake etc. It doesn't have to be 100s of pounds.

The last time we saw them was six months ago.

That's quite a big drip feed @Pouticel! Six months is such a long time when you're 7 – so there's a very good chance it was actually the cousin who wasn't fussed about your DC attending the party because they haven't seen each other for so long. I never used to see my cousins from one year to the next and could barely remember what they looked like.

@Pouticel
So does your SIL/BIL live over an hour away from you?

At my DCs parties, I tend to invite just the class friendship group. It's easier for everyone rather than inviting other DC who may feel isolated as they don't know anyone there.

I think it is completely normal to have a 'class' party and then a separate 'family' party. A cousin who they see a few times a year would NOT usurp a class friend who they socialise with most days.

I don't know why you think the above is so abhorrent. Genuinely, I do it, as do most of my friends with their DCs. We are not slighting our families, we are compartmentalising our lives so everyone is involved in some way.

I would definitely do the same. In fact we have,for something very similar.

I was asked to be my niece's godparent 16 years ago which I happily accepted. Heard nothing else since,when my nan casually asked if we were going to the christening a couple of weeks later. First we had heard anything about it. Lots of other things since so have been extremely low contact since.

You sound ridiculous

Your husband is an arsehole.

The more you post the more it seems this isn’t about your son at all, they just have no desire to be particularly close to either your family or you PIL.

@Pouticel Have you kept this idea of them eventually being each others ‘only family’ in your head and assumed everyone has the same understanding or have you and the cousins parents discussed this and agreed on this approach to nurturing their relationship and they seem to be going back on it? I get where you’re coming from as it really stings to feel like your efforts (and your child) are being rejected. At the same time they might not view the relationship in the same way. Growing up my cousins were distant relatives we saw once or twice a year and it’s the same for my kids. I know other people who view cousins as close family. I guess it depends if this is all coming from a narrative you’ve written in your head about how things will be for your DC and their cousin or if it’s a relationship that’s been encouraged on both sides and they’ve suddenly rejected your DC?

That's one thing I think we may all be able to agree on! Really shoddy behaviour from him, OP.

I voted YANBU because you are hurt on behalf of your child. You have tried to foster a good relationship but they are not interested so YANBU to pull back and stop bothering. Going nuclear was a bit much, though, as is asking to have a child come away with you on holiday if you rarely see them.

I understand you are trying to create a strong family unit for your DC but it may not work, despite your best efforts. I am an only child with lots of cousins, I spent loads of time at their houses, going on holiday with them and birthday parties. I am not in touch with any of them now. Once my granny died, the extended family just drifted apart and we just don't have anything in common anymore. As an adult I moved away for work and it was very much, "out of sight, out of mind" for my relatives. I miss being part of a big family but you can't force it. If you stuck myself and my cousins in a room now, we would be bored rigid with each other's company once the small talk was over.

“Is she ashamed of them for some reason? My friends sister is an awful snob has cut off all but a very wealthy uncle”

We have similar education, house value, lifestyle, interests. So not a situation where they are snobby. We do have less money because I haven’t worked for a few years due to breast cancer treatment. So we only have one salary whereas they have two. Honestly I don’t know why they want so little to do with us. I’ve tried my best for DC and just finally got sick of being rejected.

You’re projecting @Pouticel . Just because you feel you’ve been bullied doesn’t mean your in laws have to be Bessie mates, frankly I’d want to keep my distance if my SIL was that intense.
You’re hurt, fine,but going nuclear makes you look unreasonable. Try to calm down and then your kid at least has a chance of a relationship with their cousin.

@Pouticel please can you answer how close you live to your BIL/SIL?

I sense you actually don't live that close together.

Because they might not have sold their car? I’m not a mind reader, I don’t know how long the situation has been like this.

And, you know, maybe because someone in your DH’s family might have realised you can’t all fit in one car together.

And you don’t need a car in that you have a car. They need a car. So perhaps an Uber or a hire car that fits the whole family would be better, if any of them, including your DH, thought it important for you to come to family gatherings are your SIL’s.

Your thinking is very black and white and reactionary OP.
For example, you say that:
"They’ve put in their will that if they die we get their DC though. Well they can fuck off. Let one of their precious friends do it".
Surely that is a far greater indication that they like you than an invitation to a party?!! You're selecting the evidence to support your assumption rather than looking at it properly. And, if something were to happen to both parents, would you really refuse to look after an orphaned child?
Also, you seem to feel rather sorry for yourself. For example you have said how horrible it is being an only child. There are pros and cons to this. There are also many people who unfortunately are estranged from their siblings or their siblings have died/terminally ill. Unfortunately, falling into this category myself, I feel it's so important to connect and maintain good relationships with wider family. I really think that you just need to be less reactionary, talk to your husband about your feelings and try to weigh up both sides and not just jump to the worst case assumption and react to it. Life simply is not that black and white.

Ah okay, I’ve just seen you’re autistic. I am too. I often have a fixed view in my head that I assume everyone else is ‘in on’ (usually based on my own experiences or my hopes for how I’d like things to be) and then it catches me off guard if something different happens. I wonder if this might be what’s happening here. My husband’s relationship with his family is very different to mine and it took years before I accepted that the stopped trying to make him have the relationship to them that I thought he ‘should’ do

Maybe it's worth reframing it. Not being chosen and being rejected aren't necessarily the same thing. You could say I was rejected from the England Rugby team. In reality, I was never in the running as I don't play and am in my 40s. Maybe your kid and you weren't rejected exactly, just not picked. Just as you don't pick them.

if you were having 5 friends round for tea, would you invite you SiL? No, but she would never have been on your list, so she's not rejected.

So your response to your dc being excluded from one party is to cut off the relationship (that's so important to you because one day they'll be the only family each other has) permanently and so be excluded from all parties going forward? Makes sense

Honestly I don’t know why they want so little to do with us.

But your "so little" is obviously enough for them.

It sounds as if you saw them every (?) Christmas until your ILs could no longer drive.

It doesn't sound as if you have been excluded.

Roughly 45 mins. Less if I’m driving. More if PIL are in the car because they like to crawl along at a snail pace.

I’m sick of making an effort and being rejected. I’m not bothering any more. They can fuck off.

It doesn't sound as if you like any of them which is totally fair enough, but you can't expect them to like you.

I think the party thing is an over reaction, but I get why this may be the straw that broke the camels back, when you take into context everything else which has happened. I wouldn’t necessarily fall out with them, but I would match their energy and and take a couple of steps back. You tried.

Wow.

And what does them "fucking off" actually look like?

Probably pretty much as things are atm!