To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

Why would his parents have a car when they can’t drive? FIL gave up his licence five years ago due to glaucoma and sold his car. They get around locally on the bus but you need a car to get to SIL’s house.

@Pouticel I once lied to my flatmate about going on holiday with a friend - it was awful of me to lie but I did so because I didn’t want to have to deal with the fallout from her of my decision. It was incredibly toxic and the relationship broke down a year or so later
and that is why they have lied and pulled away because it is too much because they wanted to have a party in a hall for school friends and as I said it is very difficult for a 7 year old to manage different groups by that age separate parties or just a school based one is common it was only this year for her 16th she had all of her friends together

I can understand why you’re upset. But I think the way that you’ve reacted suggests to me that this is cutting a lot deeper than your child being rejected, and is triggering you and perhaps your loneliness from childhood? Or being rejected yourself as a child.

I’m saying this as rationally, it’s not just your son who isn’t seeing that part of the family, it’s your PIL too?

It’s really not fair you getting left out when they go to your SIL, and they should have been upfront and honest about the party.

You say family should come first, but I rarely find that’s the case. Sadly, family are often the ones who hurt us the most.

Where are you now OP? Are you still upstairs. My advice would be to stay put and try and bring yourself back to a regulated state. What comforts you? You could try writing it all into a note on your phone then deleting? Punching a pillow? Hugging a pillow? Some people find cold water run on the wrists helps.

Then go back down when you’re calmer. You need to have a chat with your husband about how all of this is making you feel. And next time they all bugger off to your SIL and leave you alone, make sure you’ve got something extra special planned for the day.

@Pouticel I think you're right to be angry and support your DC. Not sure why MN crowd think you've over reacted - every parent is a mama or papa bear, so protect your DC how you like. F everyone else's opinion.

Read OP's first few posts and it exhausted me tbh. The drama, sulking going nuclear wta?
I couldn't be doing with a friend who acted this way and certainly wouldn't take it from anyone in the family.

I have had cousins in am close too and others i wouldn't recognise if I saw them in the street .it would not occur to me to force a relationship between my kids and there cousins. Just because your related dosnt mean you have to be friends.

We have two DC. Lovely rapport with their cousins but never have we (nor they) had birthday parties with cousins invited. We have parties for school friends. Whole class parties till about year 1, then smaller. Cousins meet up for family gatherings. I just don’t understand why you’d expect party invites to a cousins party with their actual friends from school.

also your child is 7 and has never had a birthday party?

Going ‘nuclear’ makes me wonder if there are other reasons they want distance. Sorry!

Grow up and have an adult conversation with your in-laws. Tell them why your DC is upset and ask why they weren’t included.

I get that it’s upsetting (I would be upset too) but flouncing upstairs and blocking everyone makes you look ridiculous and is not modelling good behaviour to your DS.

OP you sound like a bitter vindictive and somewhat strange person.

You keep putting the emphasis on family but this year we were in a similar position and didn’t invite the family member. My child adores there cousin, have a great time when they see them etc but when they were given a limit of 10 friends, they didn’t chose them. It wasn’t a snub at the cousin, they wanted their school friends there. I also, rightly or wrongly, hid that we had, had a party because I would have been faced with the reaction that you’ve given, and I honestly didn’t want the hassle and have to explain myself. Maybe you make them anxious, this family member makes me anxious because they question everything I do, so i see them not as often as the kids would like but its for my own well being

Most kids have 2 (or more) birthday parties, since when is it a big deal?

Imagine if every sister-in-law reacted that way, gosh you are exhausting.

Kids I know have: a "home party" with parents/ siblings and presents
a "family party" with .. family 😂, grand-parents, cousins etc..
and most of the time a "friend" party, of any kind - already mixing school friends/ club friends which is already a lot

Can you imagine SIL having a full on meltdown because she expected to be invited to all?

Ridiculous, But what is wrong is cutting all link and depriving your own child of his cousin. Maybe they're not close now, but they'll be cousins for life. Keep them in contact at family event, and that's how the relationship grows.

They don't have to love each other for now, it's not fair to impose kids you don't really like at any opportunity.

Bit cheeky to call not being invited to everything - when you don't throw a party yourself! so it's never reciprocated - when you are invited to a party anyway

People can’t invite all family over to birthday parties because they usually want friends there at that age. Maybe they limited it to that.
We did it many a time and didn’t invite cousins etc else numbers get out of hand.
i wouldn’t be offended.

As a grandparent we're delighted to have a cup of tea and a piece of cake with our grandchildren. The parties though, no thank you. They're noisy, manic events and not for us.

Many 7 year olds don't want to stay over, let alone go on holiday with another family. I'm not surprised that they said no to that. Re her party, usually at that age they just have class parties and don't tend to mix things up with family or outside friends. Why on earth would you completely cut them off. You have no idea also their reasons for saying no to some of the proposed plans. Perhaps there is other stuff going on in their lives that you do not know about. Why assume that they want nothing to do with you? Why not at least ask before deciding to break up a family? If you cut them off you will also drive a wedge between you and the pils and then your husband will be put in the middle.

OP I have a 7 year old. For starters, I wouldn’t want him going on holidays with his cousin’s family. I’m not especially over protective but he’s only 7.

My 7 year old has a birthday party with his class in school. It happens to be a joint party we do every year & we don’t invite kids not in the class. I have done a second party for neighbours etc and invited cousins the past couple of years. This year I explained to the cousins that I didn’t expect them to come to the second party as it was only watching a movie in our house and they’d have to travel a fair distance. They were fine with it.

Only one of the cousins (out of 2) could come last year and she was completely overwhelmed by the noise and all the kids she didn’t know.

They have come over with a cake and included your child and you are being extremebly rude.

You sound like you are protecting a sense of rejection onto this family. If I were you I’d apologise.

And if there was a limit on numbers I’d assume a family member would make the cut.

Why would you think that?

Your daughter is part of the family party.

Why isn't that enough?

@Pouticel doesn't do parties for her child because of the cost. I sincerely hope that her child is allowed play dates.

Yes, the first reply does tend to set the tone because people are like sheep on MN.

The cousin could have other cousins on their Dads side too, or other extended family. So the dynamics may be different for them.

Have you actually asked them why they have been distancing themselves and why they chose not to include your child for the party? Has your DH asked them, have your PIL asked them? This is a spectacular fallout without any of the relevant information. I understand that the Asperger's probably has an effect on your social interactions and that you are probably focusing on this intensely but as an only child myself with family members with Asperger's I would like to suggest that you take a step back from the anger, go back downstairs and speak to them about how you are feeling about your child not being included. There may well have been a very good reason and they didn't want to upset you. Your child will be the person most affected by this fallout so I would try my best to see if anything can be salvaged by having a chat about it.

I can see why you are annoyed. I think life is different now though as parents are more in contact with whatsapp groups etc

I had 2 class parties when I was 7 and 8 and none of my cousins were invited. I am sure they probably had parties but I didn't go to them. I would say I am close enough to my cousins now in that we all meet up at least once a year (although I do see one cousin more frequently. Ironically as we go for playdates with their child and they came to my child's party and we went to their child's). So actually it's understandable how you feel but I would just get on with your own life. There's nowt as queer as folk.

I feel sorry for the OP's kid who has never had a party as the OP can't be bothered to organise one but expects to attend other people's.

Host a party, OP, and don't invite the cousin, then all will be square. Of course, the cousin probably won't mind, but you'll feel better.

I understand where you're coming from, at a big party in a hall I can't see why they'd exclude your child, unless your child is quite overbearing/bossy/wants their cousin to talk to them only etc. We always invite our kids cousins to their parties, until they had sleepovers with a couple of school friends at which point they didn't always want their cousins there as it can be awkward when the other kids don't know the cousin.

A party really doesn’t have to cost that much. We had games at home, with cake, a ‘pizza making station’ at the table in the kitchen, no entertainer (that’s where the games came in!) with lots of music and dancing. Made the cake myself. Party bags were cheap, maybe £1 per child. Way cheaper than a holiday - we don’t really have holidays as can’t afford the several hundred pounds it would cost, but always have a birthday party.