To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

Your taking this far too personally because of your own issues of being an only child and have tried to push this more than they want.

Why can't you get in the car? Surely DH drives, then one adult in the front, two adults in the back and the child in the middle?

I think it's the OP's DH's sister, so the BIL isn't the one related to the grandparents.

How would your ND DD get on at a busy party where she didn’t know anyone apart from the birthday child, who would be busy with all their guests, not just your DD?

Read the OP’s updates, the PILs are too big to have more than one adult in the back with the DD’s car seat.

I expect they told everyone not to mention it and didn't share photos as they knew how you would react.
Would you have felt any better had they mentioned beforehand that they were having a party but your DS wasn't invited? You probably would have still been posting then about them excluding you and not letting him join in. I imagine they know how you react to situations, hence trying to keep a distance now.
Maybe the cousins aren't quite as close as you think. I know my kids and their cousin love seeing each other at first but after an hour or so they annoy each other and then don't want to be with them and ask to go home.

They are saying it. They're just not using words.

OP has picked up on their pulling back and it's made her pursue a smothering relationship even more.

SIL knew OP would go nuclear about their kid having a birthday party and not inviting OP's kid. That's why they kept it secret. They don't want to deal with her having a tantrum because she didn't get her way.

OP certainly feels rejection strongly and has issues from her past. But that doesn't mean she can ignore another kid's parent's no. She has to look at her own behaviour and work on that.

Some PP are saying what a ridiculous fuss about a birthday party. But the party was the last straw. The rellies had been doing the slow fade for many, many months. Or, it doesn't actually sound like a slow fade, it sounds like they were cut out pretty brutally, suddenly saying no to everything.

When people you have previously been close to just drop you, instead of telling you what the issue is, it's rude and immature. Not to mention really, really insulting. Also hardly practical considering they are family.

I doubt that it's come from the other DC, otherwise they wouldn't have let the cat out of the bag.

Either OP has done something, in which case these supposed adults should communicate with her, or the adults are envious of something about OP's lifestyle, or there's something about OP and/or her family that they don't like. I'm wondering if it's political differences, in these divisive times?

My kids’ cousin had a little family tea at the weekend this year (that we were invited to) and then a party on their actual birthday for some local friends. I was a bit hurt to be honest because the cousins are very close, but I wasn’t going to pick a fight over it. I think they have put your child in the family box rather than the friends box.

Rather than go nuclear, just stop back, stop making so much effort and see how things turn out. Maybe you were coming on a bit strong?

Based on the OP I'm not surprised that they're being excluded.

AHH sorry I still stand by her not being a good daughter, sister, auntie.

Is she ashamed of them for some reason? My friends sister is an awful snob has cut off all but a very wealthy uncle 🙄

OP you sound rejection sensitive which can be part of being neurodivergent that many NT people won’t be able to understand. They won’t get how much rejection you had to put up with before going nuclear becomes the safer option. I totally understand your reasons for walking away. It really hurts when you read of all the wonderful family relationships that are formed thro marriage and yours resembles nothing like that.

I don’t have the Disney SIL either. To be fair my brother has had so many wives now I barely get to know their names but in this I also learned the fuck em attitude much sooner.

Have you ever asked them what the problem is? I know easier said than done but it will make them far more uncomfortable than you in the long run.

Dont go all woe is me, see it as a lucky escape and work on developing local friendships for your child. These will follow her through school if she’s lucky.

I think you need to build your self esteem and stop placing so much emphasis on the approval and acceptance
of people who sound like self centred arseholes. (Not seeing a sibling is one thing ignoring their own parents? That’s another level)

feel free with the no contact and teach your child the rejection resilience you probably didn’t get the opportunity to learn in childhood.

Thanks I must have missed this comment.
Though what car do they have? I have a small car and can fit 4 adults and a child in a car seat in? You do need to plan logistically who sits where but it is doable.

Could be. She could also be a good mother who listens to who her kid wants at his party.

But the boxing day thing is very odd.

i think you're completely over reacting here.
im an only child from a small family. me, parents, 2 cousins (sisters) and their parents.
growing up i saw them on either christmas eve or boxing day. potentially on my mums birthday, as they are her brothers kids.
never thought to invite them birthdays nor did they come to mine.
we loved seeing each other when we did but just because someone is family doesnt automatically mean they should be invited to everything.
as an adult now, ive seen both of them the last time 5 years ago at my mums wedding. the slightly older one is getting married next month and ill see them both then.
my daughter has cousins from her dads side. she sees them twice a month at grandparents house. one is 2 weeks younger so completely the same age, they still dont get an invite for each others birthday things.

To be honest, the not-knowing why would do my head in, and if I was going to ‘go nuclear’ I’d just ask them to their face what the deal is..

DH drives. One adult with mobility difficulties in the front with a walking stick. One obese adult in the back with DC’s high-sided car seat. Basically if he’s taking PIL anywhere I can’t fit in the car with them. Maybe if we’re going five minutes down the road, but not if we’re driving for an hour. Not that I’d want to be sandwiched between FIL and a car seat anyway.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest.
Their actions are mean spirited and hurtful.
It says a lot about them.
No wonder you’re upset for your DC.
The expression ‘let them’
comes to mind as in let them act badly but don’t facilitate family visits any more. They can collect and drop off pils, you’ve done more than your fair share.
There’s no need for any conversation. Let them sort it.
It’ll be very freeing and you’ll feel better for not having to be around them.

Did you go down and see them before they left?

I’m not sure I’d be able to fit 4 adults if 2 were fatties in my hatchback along with a car seat.

What would be better is for the OP’s DH to drive his parents in their car and for her to drive her DD.

If it’s a 2 door car the mobility limited adult isn’t getting in the back as well.

My kids have a family party and a friends party, sounds like that’s what has happened here but you are avoiding them all!

I think you are missing the point of parties when your kids are school age. The parties are for kids and their friends from their class. Once they get to the age of doing these we don’t invite cousins or family friends as there are friendship groups in play that can mean school or family kids are left out. We also don’t invite any other family (unless they are helping). A class party is just that, for class friends. We once mixed it with our eldest and our kid was being expected to open presents from grandparents and spend time with them when their friends were playing and having fun. Most people I know now don’t mix groups for parties at all now. Ours have a tea party for siblings and cousins and family and a class or school friend party separate. This was not the hill to die on…….sorry ……

It’s really not! My kids have about 14 cousins. None were invited the last birthday party. They love seeing each other, but they’re just not that close when we’re apart.

Mainly because they are kids!

My boys are having two birthday parties. One with school friends and the other with extended family and friends. They also have only one first cousin - who they absolutely love - who will be going to the party for family.

My two best friends' children won't be coming to the party for school friends because my boys don't really play with their children. So we celebrate outside of that. They know and don't mind (they do the same with my kids). I think 7 is the age when children will want their own friends (mainly from school) rather than cousins or children of parents' friends.