To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

OP, you sound absolutely exhausting and having a full on tantrum doesn't help anyone.

You meant well, but you sound very.. "full on". No wonder they don't want their kid to go on holiday with you. You are being massively U to sulk about it. You offer, they decline, offer again in a few years when the kids are older.

YOU are ok with not having money for a party, but you expect the cousin to invite YOUR child instead of a friend?

Hasn't it occur to you that they are having a "family party" with a little cake -that's for you and the cousins

and a "friends" party, with .. friends.

You are so unreasonable and entitled to expect your child to be part of all the parties, it doesn't work like that.

The only one you are punishing with your unreasonable behaviour and over-reaction is your own child. Become an adult and stop the drama, or you will destroy all the relationship.

The only reason why your child won't have a cousin in his life is YOU I am afraid.

Have you ever tried to squeeze in next to a larger person when there's a fuck off car seat? I couldn't fit them in my car

I agree with other posters that you're taking this way too personally and massively over reacting by storming off and sitting upstairs having a pity party whilst blocking everyone on SM.

It's very much exhausting, immature behaviour.

I say this as an ND Mum with an ND child.

It wouldn't have hurt you to have openly said 'Oh, that's a shame. Was there are reason why DC couldn't have attended' and they may well have given a valid reason, or a bullshit one, but either way you would have dealt with it like an adult.

Whether you like it or not, there are sometimes valid reason for controlling numbers at kids parties, especially if held at eg a soft play centre or event space. We have certainly had parties in the past with a stringent number control (eg Nerf war, go-carting etc).

I never once invited a cousin or family member to DS's school friend parties, as is my right. Why? Because a couple of the school boys were proper little nob heads and could be vile. It was 'the done thing' to invite all of the boys in his primary class to all parties and boy did we know about it! At no point did I have to justify this to anyone, though.

Parties absolutely do not need to cost £300 and you don't have to hire anywhere.

You seem to have very fixed ideas about how things work and how others should be behave. You'd be a lot happier if you accepted that others do not need to do what you expect them to do and move on.

Your reaction to this is going to make your DC feel worse. You could have tried to brush it off and then make up a bullshit reason to spare their hurt but here you are, in the bedroom, throwing toys.

All this storming around, stamping feet and sulking will not make people more likely to want to spend time with you.

I may be one of the very few here, but I agree with you 100%, OP.
If what you say is true, and I have no doubts that it is, then to hell with them. Life is too short to spend any of it appeasing assholes.

And here's to you. 🙃

you expect the cousin to invite YOUR child instead of a friend?

OP never said she expected that a child be excluded, so stop piling on her with lies.

She’s had a realisation that SIL and BIL don’t want her in their lives beyond the bare minimum and she’s dealing with it by withdrawing. She hasn’t screamed or shouted at anyone, but she is allowed to be hurt and to withdraw.

They have BIL parents at their house for Christmas. The dad especially is quite elderly. It wouldn’t be suitable to try to bring them to our house for Boxing Day. We have to go there or not see them at all.

Several years ago they did used to come down here at Christmas, when BIL parents were more mobile. And we used to go up there in our car when PIL were capable of driving themselves. But now DH has to drive PIL and I can’t get in the car.

They do come here at other times when it’s not Christmas. Less and less though. We invite them regularly and we also offer to go there, but the last time we saw them was six months ago. It’s not just our DC not seeing their cousin - PIL also don’t get to see their granddaughter for six months.

At first I thought you were being a little bit unreasonable..but after seeing the rest of your posts.....fuck em. Nasty pair of wankers, tell them to amend their will and fuck off.

many parties have limited numbers, or a set number, you invite one cousin means you can't invite a friend. It's not a difficult concept.

They ARE having a little family party with cousins and uncle and auntie, how is that excluding anyone?

@Rosscameasdoody
Perhaps they told their DC not to say anything because they knew OP would overreact?

We only have OP's side of events but it's pretty clear how she responded was disproportionate.
Maybe this is death by a thousand cuts for OP and she just lost it as it has built up over time.
It is clear that she is overly invested in this cousin relationship when the feelings are obviously not reciprocated

It’s also not a difficult concept to ASK op about the party instead of just assuming and piling on her.

@Pouticel what kind of party was it?

Shocked at the amount of people defending this. It’s incredibly bad mannered of them. That said, I wouldn’t have stealth blocked them and sat upstairs, I’d have confronted them there and then.

I think it is quite usual for children or teenagers to have a party with friends and a separate celebration with family?

There are obviously many layers to this. You and your child are ND and you feel socially excluded at school, and from school mums.
You are also an only child and if I understand correctly you have struggled to make friends in life.
So I assume that when you and your SIL had kids at the same time you saw this as an opportunity. The rejection you now feel for you and your child is extreme. They don't owe anyone their friendship or their time. DH and his sister can be in touch without their children needing to be close as well.
You are trying to future proof your child's life, but this is not the way to go about it. He will, as a neurodiverse person have to find his own feet and make his own way in the world, and find his own peers.
Blocking them, going upstairs and sulking is not setting the right example for your son for the future in how to navigate difficult social situations.

OP your posts are very extreme. Have you voiced your belief that you want your daughter to have a relationship with her cousin because without her she will be alone with no family? Because that is alarming.

your daughter will make her own way in this world, she might marry and have children, she might build a close network of like minded friends, she might be comfortable in her own company.

but placing so much pressure on a relationship between two seven year old is suffocating. Yes it would be lovely if they kept in touch when they are older. But expecting them to be each others only company at Christmas after all their parents are gone is a huge and worrying leap. For many reasons.

I think you didnt take the hint when they refused play dates and sleepovers.

My kids have parties for school friends. Its a bit of a nightmare to mix school friends, other friends and family - kids feeling left out, dc then between different groups at party so we stuck to school friends for parties only.

@Pouticel do you all live close together?

How far is it to travel to your PIL and your BIL/SIL?

I don't understand the other posters? I'd be furious too and probably would take the same action and said if their kid didn't like mine to just say it so you can kinda try to cool your son off from them. What they've done is really mean, espythe party thing. We always prioritise family for parties no matter how many other kids are going to be invited.

I don’t see why your DH can’t drive his parents in their car and you drive DD to SIL’s. The fact that you’re excluded from a family Christmas gathering is pretty unpleasant, unless you’re happy not to go, of course.

You may have said this already, but are your parents still around? You haven’t mentioned them IIRC.

I don't understand why people are being so arsey to you, OP - except that the first reply often sets the tone.

If I'd lived closer to my son's cousins, then of course there would have been mutual invitations to birthday parties (the ones of similar ages, not the ones 20 years older!).

It's like they've got a two tier thing going on - the grandparents and family v 'people we like'. Is it not normal to have family and friends all around for the birthday (unless the GP don't want to be there)?

I think all families are different. For some, the cousin relationships are sacred and for others they don't mean very much at all (that's the case in my family growing up and although my kids are friends with their cousins they aren't like blood brothers).

It's absolutely fine to have a different view on it. Your view is that family should be prioritised at every birthday. I disagree. Op's view is more like yours, maybe her in-laws views are more like mine.

What isn't ok is going nuclear and blocking everyone. That's very dysfunctional and although you're trying to be nice to op, I wonder how helpful you and others making these sorts of comments are really being in the long run.

It was a Lego party in the welfare hall, they hired a Lego entertainer and a Disney princess. PIL were also disappointed at not being invited when they have been every previous year, but they were better at not showing it.

And if there was a limit on numbers I’d assume a family member would make the cut. It’s hard to see your child being rejected by family who are supposed to love them. Not just on this occasion, but repeatedly not being included. And then they purposely didn’t share any photos even though they share photos every five minutes. Because they knew they’d excluded us.

It's the way of the world that you get on with some people more than others. Would it be worth speaking to a counsellor about why this incident has been so hurtful to you and caused such a strong reaction? It does seem extreme.

However, I do find the orphan scenario odd. I'm surprised that they've nominated your family given the strained relationship.

Supposed to love them is an odd phrase. 'Love' isn't duty in the way you see it. It doesn't come automatically with blood. And if 'like' isn't even there, then it's no surprise they'd rather go their own way.

Boxing day is mad though, I'd be having words with your husband about that.

Well your BIL can't be assed to see his parents more than twice a year so grandparents don't see their grandchild. I'd say he's neither a good son, brother, nor uncle.

I don’t know.
we've always had the organisation you describe: one b’day party with friends, one with family.
We had some ‘joint’ parties but it quickly fizzled out. Children don’t know each other. It just doesn’t flow as well.

I really wouldn’t take it as a sign that they dint want to have anything to do with you etc….

Also I’m an only child too. (One reason why I have 2 DCs…). SIL+BIL have 3 dcs.
Weve never been very close. SIL and I never ‘jelled’. Dh doesn’t get on with his sister. So the cousins saw each other only occasionally a few times a year,
They are all adults now. Dc1 is planning a hols next year with two of the cousins.
dc2 has gone away with two of cousins last year too.
All that say that not seeing his cousin often as a child doesn’t mean your dc and his cousin won’t be close as adult.