To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

My DC and husband's sister DC are all girls and all four born within 3 years of each other. They have lived within a 30 minute journey all of their lives.

When they were little they weren't close. Me and husband's sister weren't close - no big issues, just very different people. DH and I both disliked her then husband (he was racist, homophobic and generally stupid).

It didn't matter that the parents weren't close. Those 4 cousins developed a bond that was nothing to do with us. They loved their grandparents and that transcended any parental bickering.

They are all late twenties/early thirties now. They love each other so much and have regular meet ups. Their closeness has had a positive impact on the older generation and we all see each other more now because of them.

Well if you're being excluded by mums and the kids get on, then it's you.

I was empathetic until you were all
"It's awful being an only child"
"They are the only family DC will have when we die"
"Neurotypical people don't like Neurodiverse people"

Nit being funny but

• they blank you in the WhatsApp group
• they have phased out Christmas visits
• they have collectively come up with the idea that PIL have to go with DH and DC to visit so - oh no - you can't visit

There are signs they don't like you.

Normally I'd say "gently" to try and get across that I'm not trying to be a nasty bitch but trying to help you see that they aren't excluding your son, they are excluding you, but apparently the mumsnet collective agreement on another thread is that is poor etiquette so hopefully they like this response better (even if it sounds ruder to OP IMO than I mean it to sound)

This is way over the top. It doesn't need to be all-or-nothing, you know. You can't force close relationships.

I agree - SIL /BIL should make the effort to come to you and/or PIL so you can all be together - I wouldn’t let them go and exclude you! How rude!

It is also rude of them to exclude your child from a party. You don’t do that to little kids!

As for only kids, we often had ‘onlys’ dumped on us on the holidays because ‘1 more doesn’t make a difference when you have 3’

Err yes it does, It s not the kid it’s the parent attitudes!

OP I think you need a clan discussion with your DH on this going forward.

Having two parties and then instructing their child to say nothing when they visit ? Yeah that’s gonna work. Of course they did something wrong. It’s perfectly obvious that OP was trying to facilitate a close relationship. If they didn’t want it why didn’t they just say ?

I'm really surprised your DH goes along with this, at your expense. Has nobody ever said anything about the fact you're left out? I find this very odd.

Massive overreaction in my opinion. My kids always invited cousins to birthday parties until they went to school and then it changed to school friends only. That's very normal. All the rest about you inviting the child on holidays etc seems a bit much too.

Probably because they know how she'd react if they did.

So instead they visit the OP knowing that the parties are inevitably going to be mentioned and OP’s child is going to be hurt. Nice.

OP I do understand how you feel, and why you feel that way. You sound like a people pleaser who has always tried hard to accommodate others and who really wants to be liked. Re the party, although I don't think it's unusual for children to only have school friends at parties, I do think the way they have gone about hiding it is not ok. They should have told you about the party and explained why DC wasn't invited. If they'd said they were having a party and unfortunately there's only enough places for their top few school friends, how would you have reacted?
Re not taking you up on visits, childcare and gatherings, it's really clear they are distancing themselves a bit. I'm sorry they are doing this and it must seem awful to you, especially if you feel as though you've tried really hard. All I can say is that perhaps you could reflect on your interactions with them and their DC. The only thing that is really obvious is they don't feel comfortable bringing up the reason with you. I think this is likely to be because they think you'll react badly. Could this be the case?

I think the best case scenario, logically, is for you to allow DC to continue spending time with them, but stop making the effort yourself and let DH deal with it all. This means you don't feel shunned / excluded / like you're trying to no avail, but your DC doesn't miss out on the benefits of their cousins and family if they do still enjoy their time together.

I really honestly do understand why you're feeling so hurt.

I do have experience of having to distance myself from a family member with ADHD. the only reason I've had to distance myself instead of bringing things up is because if I tried to bring things up it would always be met with anger, upset, defensiveness, dismissal as if it wasn't important, and I'd always then be the bad person for making them feel "stupid" or the good old "we're not all perfect like you". So the only way to protect my sanity while maintaining the relationship I desperately wanted to keep, was by holding them at arms length. It was a them problem, but they very much had no idea and couldn't be told or rationalised with, so talking or giving reasons always ended up with me having to apologise. I got sick of it.

If any of this resonates at all, please try and understand others perspectives. I know as an autistic person empathy and seeing different perspectives can be challenging - is this something you think could be the case?

I hope that whatever the outcome is, you find a way to resolve it. It sounds like you're genuinely very hurt, and despite being able to see a possible both sides I do think your family owe you an apology for lying about it - as this has now upset your DC when they have inevitably found out.

Not a great idea either, but i can't see how they can win here. Maybe they shouldn't have all met up today as it would inevitably come out about the party, but then how would that land.

Are you still upstairs, stewing on this, 2 hours after you first posted? What do you think your child and their cousin are doing now? I would bet good money that they are having a great time together with the rest of the family. What will you tell your child when they ask where you were?

So what, are you suggesting that they just shouldn't visit because of OP's potential reaction?

Or that they should invite the cousin to the party even though this is unusual at this age and often ends up being quite awkward?

Bullshit. You must have the smallest car ever. Just cram in and be a bit uncomfortable.

I can't imagine a mother being happy to spend Boxing Day alone rather than squeeze into the back of a car. They probably think you dislike them too.

Have you considered asking?

A small amount of food is the only extra expense. A party, on the other hand, costs hundreds of pounds

Hundreds of pounds? Only if you've got it to spend. I've never spent anything like that on my kids birthday parties.

OP you have this very rose tinted glasses idea about what family relationships should be. You cannot FORCE a relationship between cousins and insist that they are best buddies. It is perfectly normal for children to want school friends at their party not cousins who don't know the other guests.

Why would you be spending Christmas alone when you have a husband and child? Have you no friends to socialise with and spend time with?

I have 5 cousins, I last saw them at my dad's funeral 2 years ago and won't see them again until someone else dies. Despite being relatively close in ages we have absolutely nothing in common. You are being so unreasonable over this.

It's not your DC. It's you.
Stop the am-dram and grow up.

OP it's honestly not that deep. No need to block anyone. Archive the family chat. Post sparingly. Being able to react with an emoji has been a proper God send. Live your life. No stress.

I can completely see why you’ve had this reaction, as it certainly feels like there is an injustice against your child.

I wonder if you can opt out in a bit more of a neutral way - yes they can call round and bring pil and cake, no you aren’t going out of your way to host. It’s evident that sil is selfish and going to act in her own interests - what you can control is your reaction or not to it. I bet it’s in you/DH to manage the PiLs too.

Kindly - it also sounds like you are lonely/ feel excluded by others and are very hurt that sil who has a natural reason to include you as family simply doesn’t. She is in charge of her own decisions, just as you are. I wonder if your energy would better be invested finding friends or hobbies for yourself (and your child)?

You can’t use autism as an excuse for this, you’re behaving totally irrationally!!

You are hurt for your child and that is completely understandable. Your dh should be too and for me therein lies the problem. He'd rather keep the peace than speak to them about it. It doesn't have to be an all guns blazing argument but he could have at least commented that it was a shame your ds wasn't invited as he would have liked to have seen his cousin on his party.

You have acted quite childish by going off in a huff and actually to most you will look like the unreasonable one casuing 'drama'. When in actual fact you are just at the end of your tether. It would have been better to ask why your dc wasn't invited and if there is an issue what is it.

It is also unreasonable of your dh to keep acting like a wet blanket. I would be angry at him too.

For me personally the party situation wouldnt be an issue. The boxing day situation very much would be an issue.

Sounds like everyone has got very comfortable with excluding you.

I don’t think it’s good for your child to see that they have family meet ups with everyone except mummy.

SIL can travel to PIL on Boxing Day from now on. Say you’re happy to travel to PIL but they can’t take DC to SIL’s anymore on Boxing Day or any other day.

I was totally on your side until you said you wen't nuclear.
I wondering if your own reactions to things are part of the reason that they have distanced themselves.