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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP not enjoying our “Special time” before the baby arrives.

512 replies

LaniJen · 21/09/2025 14:15

Me and DP agreed in the early weeks of my pregnancy that we’d spend from 39 weeks onwards at my parents’ home, a little way out of the city, so I could relax before the baby arrived. Everything is sorted for a home birth there. I was really looking forward to this – time to just slow down, cook together, chat, and just enjoy being the two of us before everything changes.
DP can run his business remotely so it wasn’t an issue. I honestly thought we were having a lovely time.
But earlier, while trying to connect his phone to Bluetooth, I saw messages between him and a female family member (and her DH – they both work for his business). He was moaning about how bored he is here.
I feel a bit crushed. I thought this was a special time for us, but clearly he’s not feeling the same.
AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby? Or do I need to accept that he might just find it boring, even if I don’t?

OP posts:
MaybeIf · 21/09/2025 14:56

User987439 · 21/09/2025 14:51

Sorry to be brutally honest but him being bored instead of "enjoying the time before everything changes" means he has no idea how much is actually going to change. He probably feels holed up in a house he doesn't feel comfortable in without even realising that a bomb is going to detonate in his life. Once the baby is here, he won't even have the luxury of being bored. If he can't handle being in a different house for a few days, then he doesn't sound like the sort of man who can pull his weight with a new baby for very long.

Well, being female I was obviously the pregnant person in this scenario, but I’d have hated to spend weeks hanging around at my PILs before I gave birth.

Because I commuted weekly by air, I had to go on mat leave at 36 weeks, and we spent as much time as possible before DS arrived soaking up as much theatre and music as possible, and eating out in formal places, knowing we wouldn’t be able to do it for ages.

I couldn’t have coped with that you’re doing.

Whaleandsnail6 · 21/09/2025 14:56

User987439 · 21/09/2025 14:51

Sorry to be brutally honest but him being bored instead of "enjoying the time before everything changes" means he has no idea how much is actually going to change. He probably feels holed up in a house he doesn't feel comfortable in without even realising that a bomb is going to detonate in his life. Once the baby is here, he won't even have the luxury of being bored. If he can't handle being in a different house for a few days, then he doesn't sound like the sort of man who can pull his weight with a new baby for very long.

I disagree with this..lots of people struggle with being away from home... Doesn't mean they won't pull their weight as a parent

It sounds like there isn't a lot of activity going on at the moment... Maybe he struggles with the lack of stimulation but will enjoy the hands on parenting of being a new dad

KilkennyCats · 21/09/2025 14:56

User987439 · 21/09/2025 14:51

Sorry to be brutally honest but him being bored instead of "enjoying the time before everything changes" means he has no idea how much is actually going to change. He probably feels holed up in a house he doesn't feel comfortable in without even realising that a bomb is going to detonate in his life. Once the baby is here, he won't even have the luxury of being bored. If he can't handle being in a different house for a few days, then he doesn't sound like the sort of man who can pull his weight with a new baby for very long.

Nonsense. The baby hasn’t arrived yet, and he’s been spirited away to a cabin in the woods (or something like it) away from all the normal aspects of his daily life and he’s bored. I would be too.
Doesn’t suggest for a second that he’ll be unable to cope when the baby’s here.

ShesTheAlbatross · 21/09/2025 14:57

User987439 · 21/09/2025 14:51

Sorry to be brutally honest but him being bored instead of "enjoying the time before everything changes" means he has no idea how much is actually going to change. He probably feels holed up in a house he doesn't feel comfortable in without even realising that a bomb is going to detonate in his life. Once the baby is here, he won't even have the luxury of being bored. If he can't handle being in a different house for a few days, then he doesn't sound like the sort of man who can pull his weight with a new baby for very long.

I think that’s a massive leap. I’d have found this boring. It doesn’t mean I’m a shit mum!

Anticipation of the baby coming is probably adding to his sense of boredom. I was so bored the days before having DD1. Everything was ready, everything was done, I knew I was meant to be “enjoying the last few days” but really I was just unsettled, couldn’t get into any activity, found everything boring because I was just like “come on come on come on let’s get this done!”

BaronessBomburst · 21/09/2025 14:58

Are you in the US?
And what about a midwife etc? Do you have professional care arranged?

mindutopia · 21/09/2025 14:58

Honestly, having had 2 babies (and 2 home births as well) the last place I would have wanted to be is basically in a holiday cottage. I’d want to be relaxing in my own home, doing my own things, living my normal life before it all gets turned upside down. I suspect this is familiar and relaxing to you, but quite stifling to him and he misses home.

BeanQuisine · 21/09/2025 15:02

It doesn't seem deeply puzzling to me.

Presumably the parental home is in a pleasant and peaceful spot in the country, and may be a more comfortable house than their own, with many positive associations for the OP.

Her husband might just be feeling a bit irrelevantly displaced, and missing his normal everyday life and its interactions.

I expect once the baby comes along, they'll soon find more compelling things to worry about.

NamelessNancy · 21/09/2025 15:03

I'm another home birther who can't imagine wanting to be in a home other than my own for it. That said it's OP's birth, not mine, and if that's where she feels comfortable and relaxed that's fair enough. Sounds like the DP is trying to be supportive in the circs even though it might not be his own most comfortable and relaxed place. Try not to take things to heart too much OP. 39 weeks is an emotional time!

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/09/2025 15:04

But why is everyone all so ‘of course he’s bored out of his brains’? Ignore the pregnancy, they went to the parents place at 39 weeks, she’d have mentioned if she’s a week overdue- who doesn’t expect their husband to be able to spend a few evenings in their company without being bored? Yes without their own friends and hobbies right there to entertain them, I don’t know anyone who doesnt expect this of their dh. Why even marry someone if you can’t do that??

TallulahLikesHoola · 21/09/2025 15:04

MoveOnTheCards · 21/09/2025 14:39

Is it just me who thought OP was using “special time” as a twee way of talking about having sex?

Nope! Which is why I was even moreso 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫!!

WonderingWanda · 21/09/2025 15:05

He's allowed to feel bored op, presumably he's too far away from friends and hobbies so it is literly just waiting for the baby to arrive. You said yourself that it was meant to be so you could relax. Now you've turned it into some sort of "special time" which sounds very much like enforced fun. Surely the special time is about to happen, when your new baby arrives and you all get to know one another.

Are you doing anything like going for counter walk, going out for dinner / cinema etc if not then why the need to leave where you live and give birth there?

QueenClinomania · 21/09/2025 15:08

Why couldnt you do all those things in your own home?

Talk to him.

OverTheWater28 · 21/09/2025 15:08

I think you just need to accept that whilst it’s what you wanted, he’s just not enjoying it. It sounds like you’ve devised the time to meet your needs (perfectly valid in end stages of pregnancy) but that he had very little say in the matter. He’s entitled to vent to family about not having a good time.

TallulahLikesHoola · 21/09/2025 15:09

BaronessBomburst · 21/09/2025 14:58

Are you in the US?
And what about a midwife etc? Do you have professional care arranged?

Also this, assuming not UK, as @LaniJen are you giving birth outside of your area and been readily accepted by home birth team?

ACynicalDad · 21/09/2025 15:12

This sounds awful, don’t know why you’d do it to him. Move home home as soon as you can, even if that needs to be after the birth.

smallpinecone · 21/09/2025 15:13

He’s gone along with what you wanted, he’s there - what more do you want?

You can’t force him to enjoy it if he isn’t. He can’t help being bored. This is what you wanted. Not him, but he’s trying. It’s weirdly controlling to think he has to force himself to enjoy it just because you are. You sound incredibly precious. I’d be bored too.

MaybeIf · 21/09/2025 15:14

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/09/2025 15:04

But why is everyone all so ‘of course he’s bored out of his brains’? Ignore the pregnancy, they went to the parents place at 39 weeks, she’d have mentioned if she’s a week overdue- who doesn’t expect their husband to be able to spend a few evenings in their company without being bored? Yes without their own friends and hobbies right there to entertain them, I don’t know anyone who doesnt expect this of their dh. Why even marry someone if you can’t do that??

Because it’s not for a few nights — it’s from 39 weeks until whenever the baby shows up. Which, in my case was 43 weeks!

WannaFOffOnHoliday · 21/09/2025 15:14

So why did you have to go to your parents house? Surely it would be more comfortable to stay in your own home?

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 21/09/2025 15:14

AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby?

It's not "just us" though, is it? It's you two plus your mum and dad, there to do the washing and hoovering and bring you tea and biscuits on a tray while you waft around like a princess, waiting to give birth. It's a bit of a weird set up and one I don't understand at all. I'd have thought you'd be far more comfortable in your own at this very personal and uncertain time, not living out of a suitcase at your parents. It makes me think you and your parents lives are enmeshed to a slightly weird and unhealthy degree and your DH just has to go along with it.

OrangeAxolotyl · 21/09/2025 15:15

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 21/09/2025 15:14

AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby?

It's not "just us" though, is it? It's you two plus your mum and dad, there to do the washing and hoovering and bring you tea and biscuits on a tray while you waft around like a princess, waiting to give birth. It's a bit of a weird set up and one I don't understand at all. I'd have thought you'd be far more comfortable in your own at this very personal and uncertain time, not living out of a suitcase at your parents. It makes me think you and your parents lives are enmeshed to a slightly weird and unhealthy degree and your DH just has to go along with it.

They're away on holiday, apparently.

fishtank12345 · 21/09/2025 15:15

KilkennyCats · 21/09/2025 14:25

But why do you want to be in someone else’s home instead of your own?

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Its in a nice area I presume? Quite area .

OrangeAxolotyl · 21/09/2025 15:16

At some point you'll have to go home, and sort everything out, and start your family life there. I don't understand why you're delaying it.

IkeaJesusChrist · 21/09/2025 15:16

Sounds like absolute hell to me.

mamagogo1 · 21/09/2025 15:17

Seems an odd thing to do, I found the last weeks a bit boring as you are just waiting so we went out lots, went to cinema, meals out, saw friends etc not hide away

popcornandpotatoes · 21/09/2025 15:18

LondonLady1980 · 21/09/2025 14:49

"Me and DP agreed in the early weeks of my pregnancy that we’d spend from 39 weeks onwards at my parents’ home, a little way out of the city, so I could relax before the baby arrived. Everything is sorted for a home birth there."

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Ah I skimmed over that.